Gin's Notebook
by Totoromo
Summary: Gin has been collecting stories, pranks, and jokes in his notebook. He's given it to Orihime to pass away the time in Hueco Mundo. T rating just in case, I will be adding lots.
1. Introduction

**Title: **Gin's Notebook

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Rating: **T, just to be safe since I'll be adding a lot. Swearing, mild adult situations, I assume.

**Description: **Gin's been keeping a book of funny jokes and pranks, he's letting Orihime borrow it.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

* * *

"Orihime, Gin Ichimaru has leant you this book to ease the boredom of your stay at Heuco Mundo," Ulquiorra said.

"What is it?" Orihime asked.

"It appears be paper, loose bound with scraps of smaller paper tucked into it. There also are words," Ulquiorra answered dryily.

Orihime sighed deeply. "Just let me see it, ok?"

The title read:

* * *

**Gin's Book of the Best Jokes and Pranks:**

**Everything from notes about odd things I've found out to terrible one liners to supposedly true stories others have told me!**

* * *

_A/N #1: Some of these are journal like entries, some are straight up jokes, or joke routines, some are just amusing observations, and some are tales that don't originate from Gin but are stories that he's found out about and has recorded._

_A/N #2: This is an ongoing series. I will be updating regularly as I get inspired, hopefully about once a week._


	2. Light Bulb

**How to Change a Light Bulb**

* * *

A light bulb goes out just before a captains' meeting.

Captain Soifon and Captain Hitsugaya refuse to help because it is boring, not because they are too short to help.

Captain Kurotsuchi takes a reading with an odd device and runs off to his lab. He estimates it will take seven days to fix.

Captain Kuchiki feels it is below his rank to fix such things.

Captain Tosen helpfully points out that it's not bothering _him._

It is bothering Captain Komamura, but he decides to say it's not to be sensitive to Captain Tosen (who doesn't care).

Captain Ukitake isn't there. He's "sick" hanging out naked at a mixed sex bathhouse resort "for his health".

Captain Kyoraku isn't paying attention. He's day dreaming about hanging out naked at a mixed sex bathhouse resort.

Captain Zaraki reaches up to fix it, but then realizes it one of those stupid kido ones.

Captain Yamamoto has been sleeping through the whole thing, so Captain Unohana sighs and fixes it with her eyes closed.

Captain Aizen claims that he fixed it ten chapters ago; he just didn't allow you to see it.

Captain Ichimaru breaks it again just to see what happens.

* * *

Twenty-four hours later, Central 46 charges one of the captains at random with failure to adequately deal with the issue. They also declare Monday to now be Funday and refuse to change it back, stating that their orders are absolute and cannot be overturned.


	3. Pink Birthday for Soifon

**Pink Birthday for Soifon**

**(a story that Shunsui swears is true)**

* * *

Lieutenant Soifon stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at the front door of her office.

It had been painted bright pink. She checked to make sure, and yes it was actual dried paint, and in the most hideous shade of neon pink imaginable.

Inside wasn't much better. There were white lacy doilies EVERYWHERE, especially under all of the new brightly colored flower pots that now occupied her usually sparse and clean office. Pink frosted lace curtains hung over her windows and her futon was covered with a giant fluffy blanket covered in pink smiley faces.

Everything in her was recoiling. Gaw, it was awful. She actually felt bile rising in her throat.

A pony walked in.

An actual pony.

White, of course, with a pink satin saddle and large bow.

Soifon was starting to feel dizzy when she spotted a box on her desk. She took off the top. What in the world was that? Was it…a pink and marabou…negligee? She lifted it out of the box and gasped as pair of very very tiny panties fell to the ground.

Someone was going to die for this!

There was a card too, which she read as soon as she calmed down enough. "Happy Birthday Soifon!" the outside read, and inside was just a signature…Lady Yoruichi.

…Lady Yoruichi…?

"Lady Yoruichi," Soifon whispered to herself.

* * *

"Thank you so much for my birthday presents!" Soifon was enthusing.

"I loved every part of it! I can't believe you thought of me," she finished, smiling widely.

"…"

"What was that Captain?" Soifon asked.

"What…are you wearing?" Captain Yoruichi asked.

"This…this is one of the things you gave me," Soifon said, pointing to the sheer pink marabou babydoll she was wearing. She had even put on the matching feathery heels, though they were hard to walk in.

"I…haven't given you anything yet…" Captain Yoruichi answered.

FLASH

Kisuke Urahara paused a moment, then decided to take another picture in case the first didn't come out.

FLASH

"Perfect! Hey, you look great!" He added.

"KISUKE!"

Kisuke was a smart man and as such had already jumped out the window and was flash stepping to safety by the time Soifon realized that she should be chasing him. She dove out after him, but didn't get far. She stopped shock still as she realized she was in the middle of squad two wearing practically nothing aside from pink feathers.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: I don't get it, who are these people?_

_Orihime: Soifon is a captain, Yoruichi is a cat, and Kisuke is candy store owner._

_Ulquiorra: This story now makes approximately 100% less sense._


	4. Notes to Self

**Gin's Notes to Self**

_(Quick stories about odd facts about some notable shinigami)_

* * *

**Fact: Remember that Byakuya is ticklish behind his knees!**

I was wandering the halls when a friendly cat began to rub against our august Captain Kuchiki. He tried to ignore it; I suppose it was too below his dignity to react like a normal person. However, I realized that he was beginning to shake ever so slightly. A tiny grin began to appear and he stifled a chuckle. Eventually he edged the cat away with his foot. As I thought about it I've become fairly certain that as the cat was rubbing on the back of his legs, its tail was tickling the back of his knee. I must test the hypothesis. I have to figure out how to do it without winding up getting Senkonzakura-ed into Squad 4.

* * *

**Fact: Shunsui will drink anything, even if you tell him it is poison. If you tell him it is poison, but it's actually sake, he will be disappointed.**

I was honestly just trying to get him to not drink all of my sake but he gladly took it from my hand and began to down it anyways (that is NOT the way to drink sake). After a couple of minutes he looked at me as though he was hurt.

"You said it was poison," he said with a slight pout.

"God lord, just talk to Mayuri!" I said angrily, taking back my now empty sake bottle.

* * *

**Note: Make sure to order more fake stuffed cats to place around Sajin's office.**

I thought that this would annoy him. I suppose I was being unfair assuming that he'd hate cats. I would say that I stereotyped him, but since I've never met anyone like him I doubt that it's possible in the strictest meaning of the word. In fact, he actually quite likes them. I find it just as amusing to come into his office and find it full of cute plushie kitties than I would have if he torn them all up angrily.

* * *

**Note: Aw, Kira's so cute! I feel old always telling him to get his hair out of his face though. I think I'll cut it while he's sleeping tonight.**

I wonder how mad he would get about it? I know he would get a little peeved, but he'd cool off about it eventually I think.

On second thought, Yachiru offered me a better solution; to secretly dye it. I wonder what color I should go with?

* * *

**Fact: Shuuhei's tattoo is, sadly, not an advertisement.**

Well, it's a little awkward between us now, but I was just dying of curiosity. Besides, it pissed off Kaname, which should be anyone's goal of the week.

* * *

**Fact: Toshiro comes up with the dirtiest double entendres.**

It wasn't until I was visiting him at Squad 4 that I realized what a very dirty mind that little kid has. Sure he had a fever and was delirious, but it's good to know that behind those cold eyes there is a string of exotic curses and filthy insults lurking in his thoughts.

* * *

**Fact: That makeup (he calls it "body paint") that Mayuri wears is SPF 95. He says he's really fair skinned and burns easily.**

After this conversation he asked if I wanted to come and see what he looks like without the makeup. I wasn't sure if that was an honest invitation or a slight come on, but either way I'm absolutely never stepping foot in his quarters without an army of armed guards.

* * *

**Fact: I caught Kaname making laser noises while pointing that visor of his at random objects.**

I stood very still to not disturb him. I even took a picture, but it doesn't really do it justice without the noises.

* * *

**Fact: Retsu wears those braids in the front because her lover likes giving her hickeys.**

As to who her lover is, well ah, he threatened to beat me to a pulp so fine that no one would find my corpse if I talked about it so I'm holding my tongue.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: What is Shuuhei's tattoo?_

_Orihime: …_


	5. Questions and Ideas Concerning Espada

**Gin's Questions and Ideas Concerning Espada**

* * *

For some reason seeing Espada every day is different than when I was fighting smaller hollows. You look at a hollow, it looks like a monster; you kill it. It feels different than when you kill a shinigami. You kind of feel a sense of pride in that, while with a hollow it's just a duty, usually a boring one at that.

In any case, there are all of these hollows that I'm supposed to at least semi-consider to be allies or companions, which had raised some questions. I suppose Aizen knows the answers, but I'm bored out of my mind, so to try and figure it out on my own has become one of the ways of distracting myself. I have the added benefit of sometimes asking questions that are evidently offensive and getting a rise out of someone. I asked Charlotte Cuuhlhourne (one of Baraggan's Fraccion) if he ever had to clean his hole (I assumed you might scrub it with everything else when bathing), and he instantly released his resurreccion in response. _My_ response was, of course, to fall down laughing. Have you seen his released form? I decided not to kill him because he really was too precious a resource. Next time I'm feeling down I'll just have him attack me a couple more times, yelling crazy things at me like "Beautiful Charlotte Cuuhlhourne's Lovely Cutie Fanatic Aquatic Dynamic Domestic Thunder Punch". I'm surprised he doesn't try to kill people by throwing kittens and rainbows at them.

Once I came across Coyote Starrk lounging in pile on the ground, which isn't unusual in itself. It was the fact that he claimed he was drunk that got me confused. Was he lying to me? I didn't think that hollows ate anything, aside from souls. Wouldn't it leak out his hole on the way down?

During one of our routine meetings, Ulquiorra had his shirt zipped down lower than usual. The way he was leaning forward, I thought I could probably just…I had a piece of paper in front of me, which I shredded and balled up in many tiny pieces. Nnoitra watched with me with interest, but mostly everyone ignored me. I took one of the pieces and threw it at Ulquiorra, through his open shirt, but missing his hollow hole. Damn.

Ulquiorra doesn't like things to affect him, or let other people know that things are affecting him, so he stayed stock still with his eyes locked on Aizen. Aizen continued speaking, completely aware of what had happened. He never cares what I do when I'm bored, as long as I'm not being particularly disruptive. Well, sometimes he doesn't mind that either. I imagine he was finding the whole thing at least slightly amusing.

The second piece of paper also didn't make it. I frowned. Nnoitra reached over and grabbed a piece and took a shot at it. He almost made it. It would be unfortunate if he made it before me. I got my third shot straight in, perfectly. I almost cheered, but restrained myself. Nnoitra looked grim but shot his shot, making it in as well. The competition had begun.

At the end of the meeting, Ulquiorra calmly leaned forward, dozens of balled pieces of paper falling from his chest. Nnoitra suggested next time we try paper clips. They have additional heft. Or maybe coins? We could pretend he was wishing well.

The whole thing has given me a dream to aim for. I really want to throw a paper airplane through Grimmjow. I would do it from the back. I can just imagine his face seeing it float out his belly. I might start with something smaller though, like a pencil. Though, then he'd be on his guard if I tried to do again with the airplane.

Just something I've been considering. I do keep both a pencil and a small paper airplane in my pocket at all times, just in case the opportunity comes up.

* * *

_Orihime: Who won?_

_Ulquiorra: What?_

_Orihime: Gin or Nnoitra?_


	6. Knock Knock Jokes

**Knock-Knock Jokes (Are the Worst)**

* * *

**Orihime:** Reading this notebook has given me some ideas!

**Ulquiorra:** Oh?

**Orihime:** I have a knock-knock joke…

**Orihime:** Knock-Knock.

**Ulquiorra:** Who's there?

**Orihime:** Kuchiki.

**Ulquiorra**: Kuchiki who?

**Orihime**: Kucki-kucki-coo!

* * *

**Ulquiorra:** Why are you tickling me?

**Orihime:** That's how the joke works.

**Ulquiorra:** I have one then…

* * *

**Ulquiorra:** Knock-Knock.

**Orihime:** Who's there?

**Ulquiorra:** Orihime Inoue.

**Orihime:** Orihime Inoue who?

**Ulquiorra:** Orihime Inoue if you do not refrain from tickling me I will severely injure you.

* * *

**Orihime:** That's not funny at all.

**Grimmjow from background:** I don't know, I laughed. You should have gone with a Hitsugaya one where you punch her at the end. Get it? Hitsyou?

**Ulquiorra:** Perhaps I should redo it then.

**Orihime**: …

**Wonderweiss enters room:** Arrwwwwwaaaa!

**Grimmjow:** Hey Wonderweiss want to hear a joke?


	7. High on Happy

**High on Happy**

* * *

I was wandering the corridors of La Noches when I came across Grimmjow. Thinking this was my chance to put a previous plan into action (involving a paper airplane), I began to stalk him. I noticed that something was off though. He was whistling. It was fairly catchy and upbeat and he had a fairly good whistle, but still, the entire thing was more than a little creepy. I decided to put off my prank.

"Hello Grimmjow!" I waved with a grin.

"Hey Gin!" he grinned back.

Well, I didn't really know where to go from there. Maybe I should point out the differences between psychopath and sociopath and mention that instead of one he was now acting like the latter?

"Where are you going?" I settled for a question.

"I'm supposed to stop by Szayel's lab," he finished this line with a long chuckle, for no apparent reason. I shuddered.

"I don't suppose you've ingested anything unusual recently?" I inquired.

"Oh yeah, Szayel snuck up and stabbed me with something earlier, then told me to find him around noon," Grimmjow replied.

"You just let him walk away?"

Grimmjow didn't respond, just started walking again, with a jaunt in his step. There was no way I was letting him out of my sight, it was just too truly bizarre.

* * *

At the lab, Szayel didn't seem thrilled with my presence.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"Oh Aporro," I said, calling him by his middle name. It's just something I decided to start doing on a whim one day, and it drives him batty to no end. Who knows why, but I enjoy it. "Don't you know that Grimmjow and I are best friends?"

I placed my hand on Grimmjow's shoulder, trying to not feel as though I was dipping my feet into a tank of piranhas.

He just smiled at me. My god what the hell did Szayel do to him, I wondered.

"Grimmjow, you must know that I'm not allowed to test on you without your permission," the scientist said.

It was a law that had been put in place fairly quickly. It's very annoying to have to keep replacing people, even if they are just fraccion. He did of course have access to anyone outside of Las Noches, or anyone that had been discarded for whatever reason, or of course anyone he could steal away without drawing suspicion to himself.

"I am going to inject you with this," Szayel said, holding up something that couldn't possibly be a needle unless you had veins the size of pipes. "It will hurt, you might die. There is no reason for it. Do I have you permission?"

"Of course," Grimmjow said.

I blinked.

"No," I said.

I could, technically, see the point in this. Szayel had obviously created something that suppressed the will and allowed others to control you. It would be very effective in questioning, or in making someone an assassin even against their own friends. However, as much as I don't actually have affection for any of these hollows, I doubt that Aizen would want one taken out so close to our actual battle. Mere shields and props they might be, but what was the point if we didn't even have them around for distraction? Also, I hate Szayel. Let me rephrase that, I love to make him hate me.

"He told me that you had previously injected him with something, so you have already broken the law," I said.

"It will wear off," he said. "There will be no permanent damage."

"Not now, but surely there would be from whatever else it was that you were planning," as was obvious by the various horrid looking pokey things laid out on the table around him. What was that one that looked like sharpened egg beaters? I refrained from asking, but decided to surreptitiously pocket it for further examination.

"Sorry, he's my toy for the day," I finished, walking Grimmjow out.

Today was going to be fun after all.

* * *

I escorted Grimmjow off to test the limits of his drugged up happy-go-luckiness.

We ran into one of Tia Harribel's fraccion. I don't ever remember their names, the one with the smallest boobs. On my direction, Grimmjow approached her jovially, extending a hand out towards her as if to shake her hand. She looked at his offered hand as if it were a snake and dove out window. Grimmjow poked his head out and looked down at her with concern.

"Are you all right?" he called down.

I imagine she was wondering if the best course of action was to simply pretend that the fall had killed her, because she didn't open her eyes. Or perhaps she didn't want to see his frightening happy face again. In either case, I decided to have pity on her and call him away. No, I'm lying, I just felt the presence of a new victim approaching us.

We spent the whole afternoon dodging Szayel, who was persistently following, perhaps hoping I would get bored and leave Grimmjow alone, and scattering various fraccion we ran across with Grimmjow's grin. I think the worst part was, it honestly seemed like such a genuine, happy, _caring_ smile. His eyes sparkled, he laughed with ease.

Finally, we ran in someone I could have a lot of fun with.

"Hello Ulquiorra!" I greeted him.

He stopped walking and gazed at my with those filtered eyes of his, no expression visible on his face.

"Gin Ichimaru," he acknowledged. He paused. "Is there something wrong with Grimmjow?"

"There is nothing amiss," I said. "I'm just spending time with my good friend."

I slung my arm around Grimmjow, and he turned and gave me an almost endearing smile. I had to restrain myself from grabbing my zanpakuto and stabbing him on the spot. Such was the force of his fake sincerity, that it somehow rankled the very core of my being.

Ulquiorra himself couldn't quite ignore it, although he just stiffened a bit.

"Grimmjow," I said. "Isn't Ulquiorra your best friend?"

"Yes," he agreed.

Ulquiorra shifted his weight.

"Grimmjow," I continued, "Don't you love Ulquiorra?"

"Yes," he agreed again.

He walked over to Ulquiorra and embraced him in a hug.

"I love you, Ulquiorra," Grimmjow said.

Considering my response to Grimmjow earlier, I wondered how Ulquiorra didn't use a cero on him instantly.

"You do not," Ulquiorra corrected, looking straight ahead, over Grimmjow's shoulder.

"I love you, Ulquiorra," Grimmjow repeated.

"You do not," was he starting to sound a little strained now?

"I love you, Ulquiorra," Grimmjow said.

Did Ulquiorra just twitch? How beautiful.

"Let me go," he asked.

"No. I love you," Grimmjow said, resting his head on the smaller Espada.

I was wondering why Ulquiorra didn't just force Grimmjow away from him. Did he not want people to know he could be annoyed to such an extent? Did he not wish to attack a fellow Espada who was obviously under the influence of something? Was he merely following the letter of the law in not attacking an Espada unless for treason?

"…I…" Ulquiorra was working himself up over something: I could practically see it whirling in his mind.

"I love you, Ulquiorra," Grimmjow said again.

"I love you too, Grimmjow," Ulquiorra said, like he was being put to death.

Grimmjow let him go.

I suppose it would be undignified for Ulquiorra to run away, but he did walk very very quickly.

I imagined that this was the best I was going to get, so I locked Grimmjow in Kaname's room and called it a day.

* * *

___Orihime: Oh, how sweet!_

_Ulquiorra: It never happened._

_Orihime: Why would Gin lie in his own notebook?_

_Ulquiorra: If it did happen it was purely from necessity._

_Orihime: So it didn't happen but if it did then you didn't mean it._

_Ulquiorra: Yes._


	8. Mural

**Mural**

* * *

It was a particularly rare occurrence for me to be at Kaname's home. So rare that I had never actually done it before. He had been ill and out of the office for a couple of days, missing a captains' meeting. I had volunteered to update him on what we had discussed (clue: nothing of importance as usual). I was curious about his abode, never having been invited since I hate his self-serving over righteous smug attitude, and he hates my…everything, I suppose.

"I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better," I told him.

He said nothing, most likely hoping I would get the point and leave.

I looked around his sparsely furnished living room. "A little stoic don't you think?"

"I do add sitting cushions when I have my poetry reading group over," Kaname answered.

It seemed like such a Kaname thing to do to have a poetry reading. I imagined how joyless an affair it must be. I'm not a big fan of poetry, aside from the particularly lurid kind that I doubt Kaname has ever touched. I got an idea.

"You could use a new coat of paint," I suggested.

Kaname had to mull that one over. "I have never repainted since I have moved in," he eventually replied.

"It shows. It's very drab and faded."

"Hm," he said.

"You know, you should hire someone to come and paint it before you have your next meeting."

"I don't know anyone who paints."

"Get your lieutenant to find someone," I replied.

"That's not within the purview of his duties," Kaname stated.

Good lord, he's annoying sometimes. "Purview"?

"I know someone who would do it," I said.

"I don't want strangers in my house," he said firmly.

"He's my 9th seat. He just got married and I know he would be very happy to have a little extra spending cash. He's been doing chores and home improvements for me the last couple of weeks."

"I…" he hesitated. "I imagine that would be acceptable."

"Good, I'll let him know. If we do it right away the paint will be dry and the smell will be gone by the time you have your poetry thing," I assured him.

The facts about my 9th seat I had of course made up out of whole cloth. I didn't have the artistic skill to pull off what I wanted to do, so I would have to go searching to find someone with the talent I needed.

* * *

Two weeks later and everything was set. Except that I needed a pair of eyes on the scene or else I would be missing half the fun.

"Kira," I whispered, having silently gotten behind him while he was distracted with his paperwork.

"AHHHH," he yipped.

He always makes the cutest noises when I startle him…or drop things on him…or place live animals in his desk drawers.

"I need you to go to Captain Tosen's poetry reading tonight," I told him.

"Why?" he asked suspiciously. Not without reason, obviously.

"I don't think you know this, but I love poetry," I said.

"You do?" Kira looked dubious.

"Oh yes, but you know how lazy I am. I wouldn't want to waste my time on this meeting if it's not something I'm into. I want you to go and report back to me exactly what happens."

"I'm already going," he answered.

I was momentarily worried that he was a regular attendee and would now explain the club, or whatever in the world the meeting was, and I would have to come up with a new excuse. However, it was my luck that it was his first time going, someone had just invited him along.

* * *

The next day I laid myself across Kira's desk, making sure to casually knock his neatly organized folders onto the ground.

He sighed.

"So, how did it go last night?" I asked.

"It was…awkward…" he said, his face red.

"Oh?" I said, delighted, "Please be a lot more detailed."

He hadn't gotten very far before we were rudely interrupted.

"Gin!" Kaname said, coming through the door.

"Yes?" I said, sitting up.

"What did you do to my walls?"

"Your place seemed so dreary so I thought I'd add a little art," I replied.

"What _kind_ of art?" he asked, beginning to lose control of his calm.

"Wouldn't you agree that love is one of the purest of all emotions?" I asked.

"Yes," he agreed, hesitantly.

"I had a renowned artist come and paint a mural on your walls depicting love."

Kira made a choking noise. Kaname looked towards him.

"When you say that, exactly what do you mean?" he asked. "My group last night could barely function, they all made excuses and wound up leaving."

"It was a little…explicit…" offered Kira.

"Explicit?" Kaname was beginning to get the idea.

"Gin! Did you paint a bunch of naked people on my walls?" he asked.

"Don't be such a prude, there's nothing wrong with the natural body," I said.

"They weren't just naked, they were…doing things to each other," Kira said, blushing even more.

"YOU PAINTED MY WALLS WITH PEOPLE DOING SEXUAL THINGS?" Kaname yelled.

"Not just people," Kira said in a hushed voice, "there were lots of…animals…and objects…"

"GIN!"

"Oh don't worry so much about it, Kaname. It was just a practical joke, even right now there's someone over at your quarters painting over it," I said.

"I want it gone!"

"It's going," I said in a calming matter.

After he had left I turned to Kira. "When is Captain Tosen's next poetry reading?"

"It's on the 15th."

"Can you schedule me off on the 16th?" I asked.

Kira paled. I expected him to ask what it was I had done this time, but he surprised me.

"I think I will take the 16th off too," he said.

"Oh good!" I said cheerfully as I walked into my office. "We can play hooky together. Let's go to the hot springs!"

* * *

_Orihime: I wonder what Gin did wind up doing?_

_Gin, popping his head in: Well I hired a bunch of..._

_Ulquiorra, interrupting: Does this mean you are responsible for the paintings that appeared in my room?_

_Gin: Well, it was your birthday after all._

_Ulquiorra: I don't have a birthday._


	9. Rumors

**Rumors**

* * *

I had a good vantage point and was able to watch Grimmjow walk through the halls of Las Noches without being noticed myself. I could even tell when he began to get irritated with the way that people started running away from him. I'm sure that's he's used to people moving out of his way or avoiding him, but this was more along the lines of timed sprints in the opposite direction whenever he approached.

Finally he got fed up and grabbed someone. I quickly moved in so I could hear the conversation.

"Please don't rape me!" Apache said, slightly cowering

"Whoa, what?" asked Grimmjow confused, loosening his hold on her shirt but not letting her go completely.

"I know that you're in heat but I don't really think that…"

"WHAT!" he growled. "WHO THE HELL SAID I WAS IN HEAT?"

She didn't say anything.

"Look, I'm a hollow, not a freaking cat," he said angrily, "and it's female cats that go into heat, not males. DO I LOOK LIKE A FEMALE TO YOU?"

She nodded no, and he released her, still glowering.

"Grimmjow," I intervened. Apache used the distraction to get the hell out of Dodge.

"What?" he turned, looking particularly feral.

"Well, she is Tia Harribel's fraccion; I assume she heard that rumor from her."

He grunted and left, presumably to do unpleasant things to his fellow Espada.

I followed from a distance. It's no fun if you don't actually get to see what's happening. I can always just watch the video feed from our cameras, but I like being there firsthand if I can.

* * *

"What the hell are you doing spreading rumors about me, you big boobed half naked nitwit?" Grimmjow didn't pull any punches in starting his conversation with Tia.

She looked confused. Angry as well of course; I assume about the nitwit part, since the rest is fairly accurate.

"I don't spread rumors," she sniffed.

"You also have fake breasts!"

"What?"

"How else do explain how they defy gravity? You're obviously not wearing a bra. Exactly how ugly are you that you have to show almost all of your boobs and hide your face?" Grimmjow continued his rant.

"Look here, pig…"

"Grimmjow," I stepped in. "I just received a report that Ichigo Kurasaki is planning on invading Hueco Mundo."

"He is? When? Is he here?" Grimmjow said eagerly.

Gesh, he's not a cat, he's a dog, waiting for the arrival of his master. I laughed to myself at my joke, but decided it was better to not provoke Grimmjow further at the moment.

Grimmjow took off to my wholly fabricated but probably going to happen anyways lie (seriously, that Ichigo kid has a rescue complex a mile wide).

"Well, I don't think your boobs are fake," I said to Tia. I would know; I've met several pairs of magically perky breasts over the course of my life.

"I…I just don't like wearing bras," she said. "They're uncomfortable."

"Huh, the things you don't know as a guy I guess," I shrugged. "Although, Szayel seems to be able to deal with it."

"Szayel?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, for some reason he wears a bra. Sometimes you can see it if his shirt gaps a little wide," I mentioned innocently. "It's pink, like his hair."

"Huh," she said.

* * *

"I do _not_ wear a bra!" Szayel yelled at me.

"Oh really? Prove it," I said.

"Is this just an excuse to get me half-naked?"

"Oh I'm sorry, I'm not really interested. I would definitely say you're not my type," I replied. "I'm sorry I can't return your affection."

"What? I wasn't hitting on you!"

"You do wear a woman's thong though right?" I questioned.

"NO! NO WOMAN'S UNDERWEAR! Also, I'm not gay, and if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't go for you!" Szayel responded.

"Oh, what kind of guy would you go for?"

"I'm not stupid enough to answer that," he said, calming down a bit.

"Well, I only mention it because I thought you wore a bra because Nnoitra told me that he saw you wearing one the last time he watched you undress," I said casually.

There was silence.

"He…watched me undress?" Szayel said.

"Yes, I thought you knew. I assumed that maybe you two had a thing going. You can see how I'd be confused."

* * *

"I am _not_ a peeping tom," Nnoitra said firmly, appearing in front of me in the hall. "If I was, I sure as hell would be looking at women and not some freak like Szayel."

"So, you prefer to spy on women?"

"That is not what I said!" he said gruffly, standing over me. He _is_ pretty tall, but he can't intimidate with me while he's wearing a spoon on his head.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that Tia said that she had caught someone watching her change. She thought it might be you. She only saw black hair," I explained soothingly.

"…black hair…could it have been Ulquiorra?" Nnoitra thought aloud.

"He doesn't really seem like the type," I hedged. "Although, I do know that he and the human girl are involved."

"Involved?" Nnoitra repeated.

"Yes, and I wouldn't have expected that either, so maybe I just don't know him very well," I waved and walked off.

This time I was going to have to watch from the cameras, unfortunately.

* * *

"What the hell…" breathed Nnoitra huskily as he approached Ulquiorra.

"Yes?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Who the hell did you have to screw to get your own sex slave?"

Ulquiorra took a moment to process that.

"That doesn't even make any sense," he said finally.

"You're having sex with that human all the time and you expect me…"

"Are you referring to Orihime Inoue? I assure you no such thing is taking place," Ulquiorra said, cutting Nnoitra off.

"Like I believe that? Grimmjow said that last time he came by she had her hands all over you!"

"She was, unfortunately, tickling me," Ulquiorra replied.

"Yeah, right. If there's nothing between you, why won't you let me in to see her?"

"Aizen has given responsibility of her care over to me. You are a threat and I will not let you approach her."

"Aizen…?" murmured Nnoitra.

* * *

"Did you find anything?" I asked Nnoitra the next day.

"I…do you think that Ulquoirra and Aizen are a little close?" he asked.

I gasped. "Why?"

"I just…something that I was thinking about yesterday," Nnoitra said.

"He better not be! Aizen knows that I am a very jealous man, I don't like sharing," I tried to look sufficiently peeved.

Nnoitra practically jumped back, I suppose to escape the gay rays now encircling me. Evidently such things can be catching. I managed to restrain my laughter until he made a lame excuse and took off. These Espada can be such children sometimes.

* * *

"I hear you got a little problem," Yammy said to Ulquiorra as they walked to their Espada meeting.

"What problem is that?"

"Gin wants to kill you. I can't blame him, I'm a fairly possessive man myself," Yammy said with a smirk.

I could see that Ulquiorra was confused. I quickly walked past, letting waves of angry spiritual pressure waft off of me.

* * *

I could tell that Aizen was wondering about the odd tension at the table. None of the Espada were looking anywhere near him, studying their tea or staring intently at the ceiling instead. All aside from Ulquiorra, who was staring at me trying to get me to meet his eye.

"May I make a quick comment before we start?" asked Kaname.

Aizen nodded his consent.

"You are all beyond mentally incompetent. Gin is not sleeping with Aizen. Ulquiorra is not sleeping with Aizen. Gin does not want to kill Ulquiorra," he said tonelessly.

There were murmurs around the table. Aizen lifted an eyebrow at me. I smiled and shrugged.

"Well, the rumors I heard about you being a killjoy are true," I said.

"At least I'm not morally bankrupt," Kaname replied.

"Don't worry kids, just a lover's quarrel," I said to the table of Espada.

Kaname visibly stiffened.

"It is not!"

* * *

_Orihime: So does this mean that what I heard about you liking old black and white movies isn't true?_

_Ulquiorra:…_

_Orihime: Ones with detectives and things?_

_Ulquiorra: They're called "noir"._


	10. Wild Night

**Wild Night**

* * *

"Gin," Rangiku said, lounging on the futon in my office. "You _have_ to help me with my captain. He's always complaining about me being drunk or showing up with a hangover."

Considering that right now she was laying down with a pillow over her head to block out harsh light from her pounding "morning after drinking all night" headache, I might have to concede the point to Captain Hitsugaya.

"Well, he has a poi…" I stopped mid sentence when she glared at me.

"What was that?" she said.

"I said you're beautiful."

She smiled. "Thanks! Anyways," she continued. "I thought you could help me teach him a lesson."

"Oh really?" I was all ears now. "Give me a moment to think."

A couple of minutes later I had a plan. It was going to require some recruitment though. I laid out the idea to Rangiku, as well as list of possible conspirators to help us.

I should mention that for this plan to make any sense I've complied the reports from all of our little helpers. We had a big party afterward so I was able to get a good idea of what had happened. Of course, Captain Kurotsuchi recorded a lot of it which helped consolidate all of the viewpoints as well.

* * *

"Lieutenant Ise," I began. "I was wondering if you help me with something?"

"What would that be?" she asked.

"How sad. A normal lieutenant or officer would have said 'of course Captain', but I imagine you've learned a long time ago not to do that."

She blushed.

"I am very aware of how misogynistic your boss is, and how he sexually harasses you while also avoiding doing his job," I continued.

She just looked at me.

"I have a way for you to get him annoyed _and_ get him to do some work with only about two minutes of effort on your part."

She definitely looked interested.

* * *

It wasn't too long before Shunsui poked his head out of the office, just like I knew that he would. I'm sure the sound of Nanao laughing has to be pretty rare.

I was sitting casually on her desk, making small talk, while she did her best to look relaxed and happy, laughing heartily.

"Um…" Shunsui said. I could tell the wheels were turning. "Hey!" he said finally.

"Yes?" I answered.

"You can't come in here and distract my lieutenant! We have important work to do!"

"Actually Captain, I've finished all the paperwork for the day," Nanao said. "I was thinking of taking the rest of the day off," she looked over at me.

"No!" Shunsui said. "There's a bunch of papers sitting on my desk that need to be worked on."

"Well, since they've been sitting there all week I just assumed that you weren't going to get to them today," she responded.

"Nope. In fact I'm working on them right now!" he said, walking back towards his office.

"Captain Kyoraku, may I have a word with you?" I asked.

Inside his office I laid out what I wanted from him.

"Why should I help you?" he asked. I had expected that, which is why I had arranged the little charade outside.

"One, it will be fun. Two, I promise to leave your little lieutenant out there alone," I said. "In addition, I'll tell you her favorite flower."

"How do you know her favorite flower?" he said with a frown.

"Shouldn't the question be to yourself? 'Why don't I know her favorite flower'?" I asked.

"I'm in," he agreed.

* * *

"It sounds more like a prank than an experiment," Nemu commented.

"Oh come now, there is valuable research to be gained here," I said. I really needed all of those hidden cameras that Mayuri had hidden about.

"He's right, it's viable," Mayuri agreed. "Do you know that I can give someone sugar water, tell them it is poison, and have them die when they drink it?"

I was intrigued. "Really?"

"Oh yes, it's not a guaranteed thing by any means, but it does occasionally happen; reaction without cause."

* * *

"So, did things go well on your end?" I asked Rangiku that evening.

"Yes, I got Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa from Squad 11 involved, and Shuuhei Hisagi…" she paused.

"Your usual drinking buddies I assume," I commented. "Why the pause?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted me to bring Kira into this."

"Of course, he needs his fun too."

* * *

"Captain!" a random shinigami ran up to Captain Hitsugaya. "Captain, something's happened to Lieutenant Matsumoto!"

"What? Where is she?"

* * *

"Captain Hitsugaya!" a crowd of voices cheered as he walked into the door of the bar.

"Rangiku," he said. "I heard that you were injured. If I had known you were just drunk I would have just known it was Wednesday."

"Ouch Captain, that's just mean!" she said.

"DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!" the crowd chanted at the little captain. "Oh come now Toshiro," Shunsui said, sliding up next to him. "How about one drink?"

"You should know that I don't give in to peer pressure, and I couldn't care less what you think of me," he said.

"That sounds like a challenge," Ikkaku said, smiling at Yumichika.

"I bet you we could make him drink," Shuuhei said. "Kira! Grab another glass!"

Kira brought an empty glass up to the captain.

"Not going to happen, in fact, I'm leaving now," Toshiro turned to walk out.

"Sorry," Shunsui said, blocking his path. "Here, you can have Rangiku's," he said, taking the glass from her.

"Hey!" she said.

"Hold him boys!" Shunsui said. Toshiro was held in place while the glass was forcefully poured down his throat.

* * *

I would love to know what it was that ran through Toshiro's mind when he woke up in a strange bed. Unfortunately, asking him probably wouldn't get me an answer. Regardless, Yumichika reports that for all intents and purposes, Captain Hitsugaya wore an expression of mixed confusion and terror when he walked into the kitchen.

"Do you like eggs?" Yumichika asked.

"I…I don't think I'm hungry," Toshiro replied. I doubt he could have handled food; the drug we gave him leaves a strong nausea afterward. "Um…" he trailed off. "So, why am I here?" he finally asked.

Yumichika had been delighting in the awkwardness; he almost took it further but decided to stick to the plan.

"Last night you started yelling at my captain's quarters. You kept yelling something about him being a coward and wanting a rematch. I don't know you very well, but that doesn't mean I want you dead," Yumichika said, not looking up from cooking.

"I did what?" Toshiro asked. "Nevermind," he said on second thought, "I just need to get home and take a shower. Do you know where my haori is?"

"No."

Captain Hitsugaya walked out.

"Little brat didn't even say thank you," Yumichika thought to himself. "I bet he doesn't even remember my name, and he didn't bother asking. He deserves today."

* * *

"Hey, you!" Ikkaku yelled. He almost laughed when he saw Captain Hitsugaya stiffen at the casual way he was being addressed. "You! What the hell did you do?"

"Excuse me?" Toshiro asked.

"Why the hell are you leaving Yumichika's place right now, huh? You said you were gonna walk him home because he was too drunk."

"I…" Toshiro didn't respond. Ikkaku had to smile at that. He'd had lots of mornings when he'd woken up and had no idea what the hell had happened the night before too.

"If I find out that you've taken advantage of my best friend, I swear I'm going to cut you down!" Ikkaku yelled.

"Are you drunk?" Toshiro asked.

"YES!" Ikkaku yelled.

"It's breakfast time," Toshiro mentioned.

"I didn't stop from last night yet," Ikkaku explained. "Hey, you can't get out of this! If you've…"

"Nothing happened," Toshiro assured him, leaving quickly.

"I thought," Yumichika said from his doorway, "That you were supposed to pretend to be a jealous lover."

Ikkaku blushed. "There's…people around. It worked out fine this way."

"No breakfast for you then."

"Wait, what? Come on."

* * *

When Captain Hitsugaya arrived at his office, there was a small bundle at the outside of the door. It was his haori. "Thanks Toshiro! I can't wait to do it again!" a small note said. He picked up and put it on, and walked into his lieutenant's office, where I was sitting at Rangiku's desk.

"Where is my lieutenant?" he asked.

"Captain Hitsugaya," I said, standing up, looming over him. "She is at Squad 4, and you are not allowed near her. If you somehow do see her, I will go out of my way to break your nose."

He just blinked at me.

"People like you disgust me," I said. "She doesn't want to do anything about it, but if I had my way I would certainly bring it up to the other captains for a formal inquiry."

The look on his face was so delicious. I had nothing left to add so I left in a huff, leaving him to his devices.

* * *

"See anything?" I asked Mayuri.

"He has his head on his desk. He might just be sleeping."

"We should send someone in to talk to him so we can see how it's going. He's close with the lieutenant of Squad 5," I suggested.

"Not yet, let's wait until the rest plays out," Captain Kurotsuchi said.

* * *

"Hey Toshiro!" Shuuhei called out, being way too chummy. He decided to go the extra mile and put his arm around the captain's shoulder. Kira walked along the other side.

"Wow, that was pretty great last night!" Shuuhei said with a grin.

"Why are you touching me?" Captain Hitsugaya said, trying to push Shuuhei off. Shuuhei pretended like he didn't notice and latched on hard.

"I was pretty surprised that you could dance like that," Kira mentioned.

"Danced?" Toshiro ignored Shuuhei's arm for a moment.

"Yeah, that was pretty wild," Shuuhei grinned. "We're going out again soon. You should talk to Rangiku if you want to come."

"You don't know what happened to her?" Toshiro asked.

"Why, did something happen?"

"We left early," Kira explained.

"By the way, what in the world was going on with you and Captain Kyoraku?" Shuuhei asked.

"W…What?" Toshiro responded.

"It was kind of awkward, I wasn't really sure what to do," Kira said.

"Yeah, but who knows, maybe you're into that sort of thing," Shuuhei shrugged. "See you later!"

* * *

Captain Kyoraku hadn't told Nanao what was going on yet, but he had gone out of his way to harass and annoy her that morning so she'd be especially angry when Captain Hitsugaya came knocking.

"I need to see Captain Kyoraku," Toshiro demanded.

"Why the hell anyone would want to see that pervert is beyond me!" Nanao said. "If you can stand to be alone with him, by all means, be my guest!"

"Um…maybe I should come back," Toshiro decided.

"Toshiro!" Shunsui said, beaming. "Come in!" He walked into his office and sat on the couch. "Have a seat," he offered.

"No thanks," Toshiro said.

"You know, last night was really great. I mean, it's not very often that I get to really enjoy myself like that," Shunsui said, smiling at Toshiro.

"I don't really remember…"

"It's so great when you can really connect with someone," Shunsui cut him off. "It's like everything else falls in place when you're with someone really special."

Toshiro choked.

"Toshiro, I really hope you enjoyed yourself to. You're just such an amazing person," Shunsui kept talking. "In fact, I know it's a little…unconventional…but I was hoping that you'd..."

"MEETING!" Captain Hitsugaya yelled.

"What?" Shunsui looked confused.

"I have a meeting with Rangiku that I forgot about," Toshiro replied.

"Oh yeah, what the hell was that with Rangiku?" Shunsui said. "I mean, that was intense, she looked pretty injured."

"She's at Squad 4."

"I thought you said you had a meeting with her."

"I do, I'm checking up on her to see how she's doing," Toshiro said over his shoulder as he bolted out the door.

"Captain?" Nanao poked her head in. Shunsui was practically rolling around on the couch laughing.

"Nanao, want to hear a funny story?"

* * *

"Nemu," Mayuri commanded. "Go to Momo Hinamori and alert her that her childhood friend has had a bad day."

"Yes, Captain."

"Make sure to turn on the sound," I suggested.

"I'm not stupid, Captain Ichimaru," he responded.

* * *

"Momo," Captain Hitsugaya said, raising his head off of his desk.

"Toshiro…I mean Captain Hitsugaya, what's wrong?" she said, rushing to him.

"I…I don't even know what happened," he said. "Somehow last night I guess I got really drunk and danced around at the bar, attacked Rangiku, got hit on (or worse) by Captain Kyoraku, tried to start a fight with Captain Zaraki, passed out in someone else's bed in Squad 11 and…"

"Wait, was this supposed to have happened last night?" Momo said.

* * *

"Damn it," I said. "She's going to ruin the whole thing."

"Let's get plan B into place," Mayuri suggested. I agreed and headed over to Squad 4.

* * *

"Last night I felt your presence in the Seireitei around ten at night. I doubt you could have done all of that by then," Momo was saying.

"What? I didn't even leave until…" Toshiro said. "That drink they gave me! RANGIKU!"

* * *

"Quick, on with some bandages," I said, helping Rangiku. "How did you convince them to let you have a room and bed?"

"How do you think I did?" she said with a warm smile, batting her eyes at me.

"Here he comes," I warned, sitting down in a chair trying to look dour.

"YOU…" Captain Hitsugaya started, stopping presumably because Rangiku actually looked injured.

"I thought I told you not to come here!" I said. "How could you leave an obviously drugged woman behind like that? Anything could have happened to her! Aren't you supposed to be her captain, aren't you supposed to look out for her?"

"Drugged?" he asked.

"Last night someone must have slipped something into my drink. I don't really remember anything, although I leaned on to you for support. You pushed me off and I fell hard."

"I…" he paused. "I drank part of your drink, remember?"

Rangiku gasped a little. "I remember, I was so mad about it too!"

"I guess that maybe I got drugged as well," he seemed unsure. "You're ok though?"

"Yes, I was having trouble walking and fell a couple of times but I'm getting taken care of."

* * *

"You said I challenged Captain Zaraki to a fight," Captain Hitsugaya said, glaring at Yumichika.

"Not a fight, specifically," he replied. "We both weren't feeling well so we left. You seemed really out of it, mumbled something about a game that you had lost to Captain Zaraki, that you asked him to play another but he refused. All of sudden you started yelling 'Kenpachi you coward'! I assume that you didn't actually want to fight my captain, so I hushed you, and you completely passed out. I would have taken you to Squad 4 but I thought you were just drunk and didn't want to embarrass you so I brought you home."

* * *

"Liuetenant Hisagi," Captain Hitsugaya said. "You said I danced last night."

"Yeah, you said it was some world of the living dance called the chicken dance. It was pretty funny. You mentioned that your grandma had taught it to you."

* * *

"Captain Kyoraku," Captain Hitsugaya began.

"Toshiro!" Shunsui greeted with a welcoming smile. "I'm glad you're back!"

"Are you the one who wrote the note on my haori?"

"Yes, you left it when you went home sick with Yumichika, I didn't want to wake you up early if you were still feeling under so I left it at the office."

"Oh."

"You know, sometimes I forget how much stress it is being a captain, it's so nice to just chat about all of the little things that come up with someone now and then," Shunsui said.

"Considering how often you avoid your job I'm surprised you feel any stress at all," Toshiro responded.

"Well, I do delegate a lot. Too much probably, but you need to do it more, not take so much on yourself. You agreed, said that you'd talk to Rangiku about it."

"We talked about work?" Toshiro asked confused.

"Yeah, everyone else was looking at me like I was crazy, considering how often I avoid the office, but it was good to finally get some stuff worked out," Shunsui said. "We should do it more often."

* * *

"Well?" I asked.

"He's just sitting at his desk tapping his fingers," Mayuri reported then.

"How interesting."

"Yes," Captain Kurotsuchi agreed. "I'm a paranoid person myself; it would be a lot easier for me to believe that there had been a conspiracy against me than to assume that it had all been a series of miscommunications. That means that Captain Hitsugaya is the type of person who values normalcy above other things, trying to make facts fit into a more ordered view of the world. That sort of thing can be dangerous. It's much safer to assume that everyone is trying to kill you."

"Yes, it is," I said with a smile.

* * *

_Orihime: Once I had some sake and I laughed all night at things that weren't even funny and made all sorts of bizarre food and almost burned down my kitchen._

_Ulquiorra: Isn't that what you do every night?_


	11. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

**Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?**

* * *

"Why did the Espada cross the road?" Orihime asked.

"I wouldn't," Ulquiorra answered, "I would just use a cero."

"I didn't say you wanted to kill something, I just said cross," Orihime pointed out.

"What possible reason could I have for crossing a road?"

"Also, I just said Espada not you," Orihime sighed. "Just listen to the joke."

"Ok," Ulquiorra conceded.

"Why did the Espada cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Because Gin Ichimaru was on this side!" Orihime answered.

"You are right, a suitable course of action."

"So cruel," Gin said, walking in.

"Gin! Why are you here?" Orihime asked.

"Well, I was making dinner and I must have gotten distracted because I let the fish burn," Gin replied.

"I'm not going to make you dinner," Orihime said firmly.

"I disagree, please make him dinner. In fact, I insist," Ulquiorra said, remembering the last meal Orihime tried to feed him.

"Ulquiorra, your attempts to kill me are not as subtle as you think!" Gin said with a wide grin. "No Orihime, I want you to use your powers to reject the burned part and make it good to eat again."

"You want me to…I'm not sure that I can…," Orihime was flustered at the odd request.

"Let's go!" Gin said, grabbing her by the elbow.

"Wait! A joke first!" she said.

"Fine, if you can make me laugh I'll let you stay and cuddle with Ulquiorra."

"That is not what we were doing. That is not what we _ever_ do," Ulquiorra said sourly.

"Um…ok, maybe I have something," Orihime said, trying to think quickly. "Why did the Captain cross the road?"

"Which one?" Gin asked.

"It doesn't matter," Orihime replied.

"I say all of them!" Gin decided.

"What?" Orihime said, startled.

"Lady Yoruichi challenges Captain Kuchiki to a flash-step contest and they race off, pursued by Captain Soifon, who wants to keep a close eye on her former Captain. Captain Kyoraku follows, hoping to catch a little woman on woman…er woman on cat, action. Captain Ukitake runs after him to tell him to mind his own business and start acting like a captain already. Captain Unohana dashes after Captain Ukitake because the poor man really shouldn't be doing that much exercise in his current condition. Captain Kurotsuchi sees Captain Unohana running and follows, thinking she's off to heal and hoping to loot injured or dead soldiers for spare parts needed for his experiments. Captain Yamamoto doesn't trust Captain Kurotsuchi enough to not follow when he sees him running, especially considering the open investigation into how he runs Squad 12. Captain Komamura runs after Captain Yamamoto out of loyalty, and also because Captain Yamamoto has steak'ems in his pocket. Captain Zaraki sees all the other captains running and joins them, hoping for an epic battle," Gin said without even taking a breath.

" …That's a lot to follow…," Orihime said.

"I wish you had said "swallow"; then I could have made a "that's what she said" joke," Gin grinned.

"That's what she said jokes are lame," she countered.

"Says the person who likes knock-knock jokes!"

"I don't get it. That _is_ what she said," Ulquiorra said.

Orihime and Gin just looked at him.

"Wait, what about Captain Hitsugaya?" Orihime asked.

"He's in the world of the living pretending he doesn't like Rangiku's boobs, he doesn't count."

"Plus you didn't include yourself, Aizen, and Tosen," she pointed out.

"We're not captains anymore, and my flow chart was getting complicated," Gin admitted.

"You made a chart for your joke?" Orihime wondered out loud.

"Being this charming and clever is pure talent, but a little planning goes a long way too!"

"Did you plan to burn your dinner?" Ulquiorra mentioned.

"Which brings me back to me dragging you off to fix my fish. And we're off!"

"Is this really going to work?" Orihime asked.


	12. Entertainment

**Entertainment**

* * *

It was an already unquestionably boring day before I had to go to a Captain's Meeting, which didn't bode well for the meeting itself. Once I got there it was soon apparent that we'd be killing time waiting, since Head Captain Yamamoto and Captain Aizen both hadn't made an appearance. Presumably they were somewhere together for some reason.

"Why would I do that?" Captain Kurotsuchi responded to my question.

"I'm bored. You must have something on you that is odd, bizarre, startling, or slightly entertaining," I said. "Well, or do something I suppose."

He just stared at me for a while and then let loose an odd whistle. There was a rustling noise and then I noticed it. A small white mouse had crawled out of his sleeve and onto the palm of his hand, which he was holding out.

We had definitely gotten the attention of the other waiting captains.

"Does this mean that you have other small animals on you?" I said, trying to spy into his haori.

"Yes," he replied simply.

That was creepy, and yet I found it slightly endearing.

"Soifon dear, you're next," I said.

"What?" she said, offended.

"So sensitive," I sighed.

"I am not…fine, I'll show you something," Captain Soifon said. "That mouse seems to be fairly well trained and calm."

"Actually, he's drugged," explained Captain Kurotsuchi. The mouse did seem very placid, perhaps even asleep.

"Startle it," Captain Soifon told me. I shrugged and yelled at the poor thing. It took one look at me and did the mouse equivalent of yawning, turning around to face its back towards me.

Soifon meowed and then hissed at the mouse. I've never heard a mouse make a noise, but this one practically shrieked before burying itself somewhere in the recesses of Mayuri's clothing.

"Bravo," I said. I wasn't being sarcastic, it definitely fit within the confines of the rules I'd set out.

"Captain Unohana?" I asked.

She pulled her hands out from behind her hair.

"Knitting? You've been knitting a scarf back there?"

She said nothing, just smiled.

"I refuse to participate in any of your ridiculous games," Captain Kuchiki said.

"If you don't, then I will be forced to do something for you," I warned. He said nothing.

I had heard something about him but had never had a chance to test it out. I bent over.

"Hehehehehehe!" Captain Kuchiki said, before hitting me over the head in a very un-Kuchiki way.

"See, you are ticklish behind the knees!" I said.

Byakuya looked like he was about to pull out Senbonzakura, when Captain Ukitake stepped in between us.

"I had some interesting candy but I gave it to Toshiro," he told me.

"Oh?" I looked at our newest captain. "Something I should know about between you two?"

"And people assume that I'm the childish one," Captain Hitsugaya responded calmly. I have to admit I was disappointed, I had heard he could be hot-headed. I was going to have to work on getting a better response from him later.

"Captain Komamura?" I asked. Honestly, if he taken off his helmet it would have made my day, but unfortunately he just tossed something at me. I examined it.

"A lucky rabbit's foot?" I asked.

Captain Kyoraku pulled out a bottle of sake on his turn. "It's supposed to be surprising. There is nothing surprising about you sneaking in liquor to an official meeting." He smiled and pulled out a second bottle, tossing me the first.

"Oh, well that's better," I took a swig. "Anyone else want some?"

"Me," Captain Zaraki chimed in. I passed it off to him.

"Drinking on the job is very unprofessional," Captain Tosen said.

"What do you have?"

He paused, and for a moment I thought that he wasn't going to play, but then he pulled out a strange device.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Shuuhei said it's an ipod. He kept listening to it in the office, dancing around and singing, so I took it away." Kaname really is no fun. I'm not sure what I would do if I spied Kira dancing around the office but it definitely wouldn't be to make him stop.

"It plays music?" I examined it, toying with it. I could hear music playing from the small devices on the end of the long wires that ran from the main part and put them up to my ear. "I think I'm stealing this," I said after a couple of moments.

Kaname quickly grabbed it back. "I'm giving it back to him at the end of the day," he said.

"Oh I wouldn't," I said.

"You haven't asked me if I've got anything," Captain Zaraki said, finishing off the sake. I was impressed; it had been almost full when I had given it to him.

He pulled out something completely odd. It was circular in shape with smaller circular object embedded in it.

"I…" I didn't know what to say.

"Don't ask me what it is, I have no idea," he said, giving it to me.

"It is a musical device," Captain Kuchiki said, taking it up in one hand and smacking it against the other. It made a pleasant jingling noise. "I believe it is called a tambourine."

We all looked at Kenpachi. "Yachiru gives me all sorts of things to hold for her and I have no idea what half of them are," he shrugged.

"I haven't shown you what I have!" I said, pulling out something and beginning to blow it up. "A beach ball!" I tossed it in the air, hitting it towards Captain Kyoraku, who automatically hit it back. "You're supposed to keep it in the air," I said, as it floated by, hoping someone would hit it again. The door opened at the time though, and everyone tried to act captain-like again. I was amused to see Byakuya forced to hide the tambourine in his haori. I decided to follow him after the meeting to see if he made jingling noises with each step.

* * *

_**Orihime:**__ I play the tambourine! And I sing! _

_::sings:: Just what makes that little old ant think he'll move that rubber tree plant? Anyone knows an ant can't move a rubber tree plant! But he's got high hopes, he's got high hopes, he's got high apple pie in the sky hopes!_

_**Ulquiorra:**__ I wasn't aware that humans held ants in such high esteem. However, your knowledge of general physics seems to be wrong, unless perhaps the apple pie was falling, in which case it makes a poor metaphor for hope. Or an excellent one, since hope is a useless emotion. I get it now; you are comparing your power to that of an insignificant insect and your hopes and dreams to that of something unnaturally high but falling quickly to its certain destruction. I am beginning to enjoy that song. What are the rest of the lyrics?_

_**Orihime:**__ I think I'm not going to sing the rest._


	13. Orihime's Questions Concerning Espada

**Orihime's Questions and Ideas Concerning Espada**

* * *

"Your mother is so fat that when she sits around Las Noches, she really sits _around_ Las Noches!" Orihime said. She had been trying to explain types of jokes to Ulquiorra only to find he was extremely unaware of jokes in general. She was beginning to wonder if he had ever laughed in his life.

"I do not have a mother, although the logistics of such a large creature as you described are remarkable," he replied.

"No mom? I guess I can't use any of those jokes then," Orihime said. She tried to think to think of more jokes but her mind went blank. "Well, I do have some questions," she said finally.

"I have no reason to answer any of your questions," Ulquiorra answered.

"When Yammy is changing from one size to another, and going up in rank, what happens to the person who rank he takes?" she asked, a finger in the air.

"Explain."

"When he gets to number 4, does that make you 5?" she asked.

"Next question."

"I thought that hollow holes were supposed to represent where the person lost their soul. So why is the hole in odd places on some Espada? I mean, Nnoitra's soul wasn't in his eye was it? Maybe it was his brain? Then again, if he has a hole in his brain, how can he think? Is the part of his brain that is missing that part that would make him not crazy, because he seems pretty crazy to me. Also, if he's so tall, why does he wear that giant dome spoon thing over his head, it just makes it more noticeable. He should try to balance his body type by having something larger and wider near the base of his body. Maybe he should try a skirt with a large petticoat!"

"I did not think that I had included caffeine in your nutrients for the day," Ulquiorra said with a deep sigh.

"Guess what?" Orihime said cheerfully. "I made a list of all the Espada and their fraccion in order of who I think is the cutest to who is the scariest! Want to see?"

"No," Ulquiorra answered.

"Are you sure? I think you might be surprised!"

" …" Ulquiorra paused. "Yes."

"Haha, just kidding, I didn't make a list!" Orihime said with a laugh. "You know who would be at the very bottom of the list though?"

"I don't care."

"Aaroniero. Isn't he gross?" Orihime shuddered.

"Yes," Ulquiorra agreed.

"Look, you did answer one of my questions!"


	14. Duo

**Duo**

**(Some classics)**

* * *

"Ulquiorra, I want to try out some jokes," Gin said. "I need you to be my straight man."

"…if I'm the straight man, then what are you?" Ulquiorra asked with a completely straight face.

"Don't be so daft. A comedy duo needs one completely humorous, clueless sap and one charismatic, charming, funny, gorgeous, amusing, witty…"

"I get the picture."

"Ok, just remember, whatever I say goes," Gin said.

"Please talk to yourself then," Ulquiorra urged.

"Hey, I'm supposed to be the funny one!" Gin complained.

"What will it take to make you go away?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I'm guessing a powerful bankai and a lot of luck."

"Would a resurreccion work too?"

"You have no sense of humor," Gin pouted.

"I thought that's why you wanted my help," Ulquiorra mentioned.

"I'm trying," Gin sighed.

"Yes, you are very."

"Hey, did you hear that for an experiment Szayel put a live penguin and a live pig in a refrigerator? When he opened the freezer up several days later they'd found that the penguin had died and the pig had survived. Do you know why?" Gin asked.

"No," Ulquiorra answered.

"The pig doesn't know either."

Ulquiorra sighed and stared at the ceiling.

"Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?" Gin asked with a grin.

"No."

"Joke. Joke. Joooooooooookkkkkkkkkkeeeeee."

"I am betting that you stole that from Orihime. It has her…quality…about it," Ulquiorra said.

"Are you saying it's not funny?" Gin's grin faded slightly.

"It is not funny in the least."

"I want a second opinion," Gin said.

"You're annoying too," added Ulquiorra.

"You know, you are the type that would insult a perfect stranger," Gin complained.

"You are far from perfect but close to strange."

"This next joke will really make you happy!" Gin insisted.

"Why, are you leaving after it?" Ulquiorra responded with a little hope in his voice.

"I'm ignoring that," Gin said. "Here's the joke: What do you have when you have Aaroniero buried up to his neck in sand?"

"What?"

"Not enough sand!" Gin said with a laugh.

"A passable joke," Ulquiorra agreed.

* * *

_Orihime: Wow, and then what happened?_

_Ulquiorra: I told Gin that Kaname was having a bad day and that he should cheer him up. The next time I saw Kaname he had brightly colored streamers attached to the end of his braids._

_Orihime: Well, was he happier?_

_Ulquiorra: I didn't ask._


	15. Gin's Terrible Medical Advice

**Gin's Terrible Medical Advice**

**(Even if he has a point you probably shouldn't listen to him)**

* * *

I am nothing if not helpful. After hearing that Captain Tosen had a slight cold from his lieutenant, I decided to stop by his office.

"Why are you here?" Kaname said. I'm sure he was trying to seem off putting but with his stuffed up nose the statement sounded endearing, especially with the sad little sniff at the end.

"Oh poor dear, I brought something for you," I replied.

"There is no universe in which I will tolerate you calling me dear."

"I can see that being sick has made you cross," I suggested. "Why don't you use this?"

"What…what in the world is that?" Kaname said, appropriately horrified by the large slimy creature in the jar I was holding up.

"It's just a leech, I'm sure you've seen them before…whoops…I mean, I've sure you've uh…'sensed' them before? How would you say that?" I wondered.

"It seems to be the size of my head," he said.

"Oh yes, when he's out and about he'll be about the length of your arm from fingers to elbow."

"Why in the world would you have such a thing on hand?" Kaname asked.

"Oh well, they're very helpful. I'm here to lend him to you. I guarantee you'll feel better afterward. Just don't let him stay on too long or…well, you know," I said with a grin.

"No thank you," Kaname said firmly.

"What about fire cupping? Have you heard of that?" I inquired.

"Yes, actually I have. How does it work?"

"I have no idea, but I imagine that it must work through heat, so I imagine that if you stand perfectly still and I let off a couple of kido spells…"

"You want to set me on fire," Kaname said dryly, interrupting me.

"Well yes, but for you health," I offered.

"I'm actually feeling quite better. This tea that Shuuhei made for me is quite soothing."

"Oh, _Shuuhei_ didn't make that tea," I said suggestively. Kaname actually gagged a little. I of course was joking. I really wish I had thought ahead to dope Kaname's tea. I wondered if Shuuhei was bribable. Rangiku would go out drinking with him occasionally, I think he was rather enamored of her "assets" and would frequently pay her way. Considering how much she could drink, it was probably a heft investment on his part. I decided to look her up.

Rangiku was looking a little green, her face flat on her desk. She almost didn't sense me in time and I started sneaking up behind her when she perked up suddenly. "Ha!" she said. "Not this time!" which was immediately followed by "Ow! I moved too fast!"

"Darling, you really must take better care of yourself," I suggested.

"She's just hung over, like most days," Captain Hitsugaya said, coming into her office.

"No, Captain! I swear it's not!" she lied.

"What are your symptoms?" I asked.

"I'm just so nauseous," she said, putting her head down again.

"Maybe you're pregnant then!" I said.

"WHAT!" Rangiku's head popped up. "Of course not! How could you even suggest such a thing! Gin, what's wrong with you!"

"Then you're just hung over," reiterated Captain Hitsugaya.

"Heh, yeah," she admitted.

"I've heard of a great remedy for being hung over," I said.

"Oh? I think I'd try anything at this point," Rangiku said sadly, massaging at her pounding head.

"Deep-fried canaries!"

I'm surprised she didn't vomit right there, although it seemed close for a couple of minutes.

"GIN!" she yelled at me.

"I'm not lying," I said. "Although, I've also heard that chocolate works too."

"Chocolate? Well that's not so bad, I can just go out and…"

"No you can't, you are on duty," her captain said sternly. "Keep working. Or start working," he said upon further reflection, seeing how little of her workload she had gotten done.

"Can't you bother someone else?" Rangiku said to me, when it was apparent I wasn't leaving anytime soon.

"I wanted to ask a favor from you involving Shuuhei," I said.

"Later. Hey, I heard that Captain Ukitake is sick again, you should go bother him, I know how you like making all of the Squad 4 members run around while your torture them," she said.

"What an unkind thing to say! I would never do such a thing," I answered. I still got up to leave for Squad 4 though. They really did scatter in an amusing way whenever I visited.

When I arrived at Jushiro's room in the main medical plaza in Squad 4 I was delighted to find that one of my favorite people was there as well.

"Rukia Kuchiki," I said with a wide grin. "What a pleasant surprise!"

She looked at me the exact way that you'd look at a boa constrictor that currently had most of your arm down its throat.

"Captain Ichimaru," she managed to get out, giving me a slight bow. "My captain has just been given tranquilizers and won't be able to talk with you."

Jushiro did look to be sleeping peacefully.

I looked around. "Did you bring those flowers?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Did you know that flowers suck out the oxygen in a room?"

"I really don't think that…" Rukia began. I grabbed the vase full of flowers off of the stand and moved to the window, dropping them swiftly. I heard one or two scattered shouts and a satisfying crash. Glass always makes a very nice shattering noise.

Rukia said nothing, just stared at me.

"Oh no, it looks as though you have a small scratch on you!" I said, looking at her face more closely. She backed up a little under my scrutiny.

"Um no, I just have a little bit of a zit," she admitted.

"Did you know that honey will help that?" I recommended.

"I hadn't heard that no," Rukia responded cautiously.

"If you want I can come over later and drop some off, for some reason I have a lot of honey on hand," I said with a smile. "In fact, if you want I can show you how to use it, application can be tricky if you do it by yourself."

Her already pale complexion got even whiter. "No reason for that!" she laughed nervously. "Thanks for the offer though!"

"Well, you could also try some mercury, there's sure to be some lying around here someplace," I replied.

"Captain Ichimaru," Captain Unohana said as she walked in through the door. "Mercury is poison."

"That doesn't mean it's not good for other things," I said. I excused myself and left, knowing that my likelihood of fun had significantly decreased the moment that Captain Unohana had showed up. I went back to my office.

"Captain!" Kira said. "Where have you been? This whole stack of papers needs your signature!"

"Calm down, Kira," I said. "Are you ok? You look a little out of sorts."

"I have a bit of a headache," he admitted. He gasped when he saw that I had drawn Shinso.

"Captain!" he yelled.

"Just stay still, there's a technique called trepanation that is supposed to be for getting rid of headaches," I answered.

"Why does it involve your zanpakuto?" he asked, still wild eyed.

"Well, you just put a small hole in the head to relieve…"

"NO!" he yelled.

"Ok, fine," I said, putting away my zanpakuto. "Want a dried persimmon?" I offered.

Kira sighed at the fairly normal request and reached for the fruit, which I often bring with me to the office.

"They're supposed to be aphrodisiacs you know," I said over my shoulder as I walked into my office.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: That is ridiculous. It seems like they say everything is an aphrodisiac and they never are._

_Orihime: So…you've tested this?_

_Ulquiorra: Not myself of course, I usually just feed them to Grimmjow._

_Orihime: Why?_

_Ulquiorra: Curiosity of course._

_Orihime: Whatever you say…_


	16. A Day in the Life

**A Day in the Life**

* * *

"We have to what?" Captain Kyoraku asked.

"Keep a journal. It's just for one day," Head Captain Yamamoto said.

"Shunsui's will be easy. Slept, ate, got drunk, slept more, drunk more, ate more," Captain Hitsugaya said. "Gin's will be: made a small child cry then…"

"Hey," I decried. "You seem to have made a bad impression of me already," I said to our newest captain.

"No one will see these aside from you, but I do want you to do them so that you can see how your time is being spent and be able to organize yourselves and your squads better in the future," Head Captain Yamamoto stated.

We all agreed to do it, most half-heartedly.

* * *

11:30am: Kira pounds on the door of my quarters trying to wake me up. I've actually been up since 8 but stayed in because I know it drives him batty. Besides, I like lounging around in my pajamas a lot more than my uniform.

12:30pm: I try to leave for lunch but Kira has blocked the door with his desk. There is an odd noise coming from his shirt. He refuses to tell me what it is until I swear that I will sign all the papers on my desk. I consider my options but then his shirt actually moves and I'm done in and concede. It was a kitten! Who thinks of stuffing a kitten down their shirt to make their boss work? I'm actually incredible proud. I decide to play with the kitten instead of signing the papers.

1:45pm: Kira brings me in some food and sees that not only have the papers not been signed but they are now shredded. I try to blame the kitten but he points out that I've left the scissors on the desk.

2:15pm: Kira brings me tea. I yell out my window to a passing by squad member and force him to drink it. There is nothing wrong with it, but he is so unnerved by my intense gaze that he practically chokes before rushing off. I'm sure he probably checked himself into Squad 4 afterward.

3:30pm: The kitten is asleep on me, I've thrown the shredded parts of paperwork out the window and all is right with the world.

3:45pm: Shunsui shows up with some sake. I'm not normally a drinking partner of his but he sadly claims that no one will drink with him because they don't want to have to write "got drunk with Captain Kyoraku" into their journal. I have no such compunctions and we proceed to drink heavily.

4:45pm: What in the world is Shunsui's personal stash made of I wonder? Potent stuff whatever it is. I can't write but I'm making Kira do it. I hope he's actually writing down what I'm saying about the other captains right now because it's really funny and I want to remember later. (Kira's note: I am just writing anything so he'll leave me alone and I really wish he and Captain Kyoraku would stop trying to sing duets).

5:30pm: Feelingssss betterish but still a little toasty. Haha, I like how Kira thinks he's getting out of here at 6.

6:00pm: I yelled "Oh no my office is on fire!" and started running. Kira didn't follow me. He looked into my office and found out that I had just set my paper basket on fire. I wondered if I was becoming too predicable. "You left the kitten," he said. "Even you wouldn't leave the kitten." Whoops. Guess I need to sober up a little bit more before trying anything else, he's getting too good at this.

6:10pm: I told Kira I needed him to stay late and help me look over my Victoria's Secret Catalog and pick out something for my girlfriend's birthday. He had no idea what I was talking about until he saw it. Even the tips of his ears turned pink. He then remembered that I didn't have a girlfriend, took the kitten, and left for the night.

6:20pm: I miss the kitten. Both of them.

6:45pm: I'm going to glue all of Kira's desk drawers shut and call it a night.

6:50pm: Decided to take out the screws in his chair as well.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: What a waste of day._

_Orihime: Yes, I'm sure that it's much better to do what you do: stare a wall for 6 hours, bring me food, and occasionally be pissy to Grimmjow._

_Ulquiorra: That is not what I do. Sometimes I'm also "pissy" to Nnoitra._

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Sorry for the wait. I have the flu and it makes the funny leak out my brain. _


	17. Getting in Trouble

**Getting in Trouble**

_A/N: Happy late birthday G. Ai Inoue!_

* * *

"I mean it," I told Captain Kyoraku. "I don't even have to do anything. Problems just more or less go away of their own volition. I'm beginning to think that it's not possible for me to get in trouble."

"Now that's just silly," Shunsui said. Not to mention a dare, he thought to himself.

I smiled, secure in thinking that he had probably taken my bait.

* * *

I think that perhaps when one becomes a certain age they become predicable, or perhaps it's just easier to guess your moves when someone knows all of your vices. In either case, I was well prepared for the coming week. One of the basics is spies. Spies are remarkably cheap for all of the mayhem they can do. All I had to do was give a bottle of sake and box of chocolates (I gave both just in case) to each of the receptionists at each of the main squad headquarters. Ok, so they would probably fall down if you called them receptionists, but they are minor perfunctionaries that run around when you walk in the door and direct you where you should go or try to confuse you so that you can't find their captain, depending on who you are and what squad you are visiting. So I knew that a package arrived for Rukia supposed sent from me at the Squad 13 main building before she did. At that point it was simply a matter of bribing the rest of the office staff to forward anything supposedly from me (Shunsui) back to me (the real one). They saw nothing wrong in it, even if it was bizarre. That's what having a certain reputation will do for you though. They just shrugged it off and accepted my fruit and tea baskets (I make the tea myself; it's a nice summer blend).

I didn't know that he had visited Captain Zaraki, but I wasn't caught off caught when Kenpachi angrily entered my office either.

"What the hell, Gin," Kenpachi said. "I know Yachiru likes hanging out with you and sometimes you're a laugh, but that's it."

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Shunsui tells me that you told him that you love me, and that you sit around writing poetry about me or something stupid like that," he growled.

"Well, it is true that I admire you," I replied. "I suppose a man like him easily confuses romantic love with other types of affection."

Kenpachi just blinked at me.

"Haven't you said before, 'I would love to get me hands on that guy' when talking about an opponent or said 'man I loved that' after fighting someone? Surely you didn't mean you wanted to run up and kiss them," I elaborated.

"Of course not," Kenpachi replied. "I also don't write poetry about them either."

"Have you ever seen me work at all, Kenpachi?" I asked. "Have you ever even seen me hold a pen? I'm pretty sure I don't even have one in the office." I pulled out my drawers looking for one. "Do you really see me wasting my time on something like that? Besides, we're men. If we liked someone, we'd just say so, kiss them, punch them, whatever, and get on with it, right?"

"Yeah," Kenpachi agreed.

I knew that because Shunsui was Shunsui there would be a third thing, because he liked balance.

"Anything happen today?" I asked on when the week had almost run out and nothing else had happened.

"Captain Kyoraku came in and dropped off some papers. He also stole one of your seals," Kira answered, not looking up.

"He…you just let him?"

"It seemed odd that he had come at all when he was sure to know that you'd still be in bed, so I checked out everything after he left and noticed it then."

Well now, my little lieutenant was becoming more wily than his sweet naïve face would suggest. "Don't lose it all, though!" I yelled at him as I left, not explaining at all what I meant.

Captain Kyoraku tends to leans towards romantic things in general, or what he considers romantic. I tried to think of what he would use my seal for. A letter, obviously. A love letter? To who? I jumped up. He wouldn't send it to Rangiku would he? That would be just mean. Not that he would know it was mean, or maybe he did, but still. I got over to Squad 10 quickly.

I knew that he would have already delivered the letter; it was just a matter of hoping that Rangiku hadn't read it yet. Considering that she likes to shove all her papers into a giant pile and ignore them as long as possible, the hope was valid.

"Gin," Rangiku said as I walked in. I heard Captain Hitsugaya sniffling in the other room. I forgot that he had been sick.

"Hello, Rangiku," I said cautiously. She didn't seem particularly perturbed.

"Captain Ichimaru," Toshiro said walking into her office, "if you're just here to say hi to her go away, she has to catch up on a lot of things."

"I got in late," she whispered.

What luck! Now I just had to destroy the evidence. Setting it on fire would be too easy. In fact, anything I did Toshiro was sure to blame me for: that little tyke has it in for me.

I did have one long shot of an idea though. Captain Hitsugaya, like most of us high powered shinigami when we are young, didn't have full control of his spiritual pressure. When he was sick his control became erratic.

"Toshiro, would you like some tea?" I suggested.

"I don't want anything from you," he answered.

"Oh, Gin's tea is the best," Rangiku vouched for me. "I always make myself some when I'm feeling sick."

"You mean when you have a hangover," Toshiro said.

"It's multipurpose," I pointed out.

I had already gone ahead and started making the tea and had it prepared by the time he was finishing his conversation with Rangiku about some form that she had filled out improperly.

"I said I didn't want it," he said as I placed three tea cups on the desk.

"Oh come now," I took a cup for myself and handed one to Rangiku and filled all three of them.

Toshiro sighed and sipped the tea. For a moment he looked like it had done him good, and I admit I was saddened. Then however… "AAAACCCHHHHOOOOOO!" he sneezed violently, freezing half of the office. Rangiku and I had jumped out of the way of course.

"Oh, I should have mentioned that he's allergic to rose hips," Rangiku pointed out, a fact that she's told me more than once. "Oh no, guess I can't do paperwork until it thaws out," she said happily.

"When it thaws out it will be soaked and unreadable," I mentioned.

"Oh darn!"

"I'm going home," Toshiro said miserably.

* * *

"That's my captain's handwriting all right," Nanao said as she read the card. "How many of these did you get?"

"I just showed up and they were all in my room. Flowers and candy and…well and all of these loves notes," Rukia wasn't sure whether she should blush or hit something, she kind of felt like both. Gin had been very diligent in removing his name in every place it had been mentioned. It usually had just been on the end anyways or even just as "Your Love" or something equally corny.

"So, what should we do girls?" Nanao asked the Shinigami Women's Association.

* * *

I waited until just the right time, which took a bit of planning I assure you.

"Shunsui!" I called out.

"Why hello," he said to me. "Have any trouble this week?" he asked with a grin.

I knew that Captain Kuchiki was above us someplace, where he had been watching the moon.

"I think that you should leave Rukia Kuchiki alone," I said. I knew I'd have Byakuya's attention now.

"Ah, it's just a little fun, I'm sure she took it in stride," he grinned to me. Ha, I thought, he wants to know what she did, he doesn't know that she never got the gifts. Well, not until tonight at least.

"She's a good girl, but you can push these things too far," I said.

"I'm sure you explained the situation to her," he replied.

"It's not really my place to," I answered, walking off, leaving him very confused I'm sure.

I could feel Byakuya seething in the dark and wondered if Shunsui didn't feel it or if he just assumed that the good captain was farther away and upset at something else. Byakuya being a man of fairly good judgment, decided to go home immediately and ask Rukia what exactly was going on.

I can only guess what happened when he came home to find the women's association trying to discreetly remove all traces of the various gifts of love from Captain Kyoraku.

* * *

I waited a couple of days before I visited Captain Kyoraku in his office. He was hiding behind his couch.

"Oh, it's just you," he said.

"Well, thanks for the confidence booster," I said, pretending to be put out.

"That's not what I meant, I just meant you're not Byakuya…" he stared at me for a moment. "Now why would Captain Kuchiki think I was after Rukia anyways?"

I just smiled and he cursed.

"Oh, it's a little too late to be mad," I laughed.

"What?" he said woozily as he feel to the ground. "How did you…"

I didn't explain to him but I like to keep small packets of knockout dusk in my sleeves. Very handy in general and I've built up an immunity to them myself.

I would like to know Captain Kyoraku felt when woke up in Ms. Rukia Kuchiki's room naked as a blue jay, but I haven't had a chance to ask. Getting the timing perfect on him waking up and Byakuya coming at the same time home was hard too, but I managed it.

* * *

"Did I ever tell you that I never get in trouble?" I asked Captain Ukitake at the next captain's meeting.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Shunsui yelled at me. Everyone just looked at him like he was crazy.

"Poor dear, I hear that too much alcohol can do that to the brain," I whispered loudly.

* * *

_Orihime: I remember Captain Kyoraku, he's the one who asked how old I was and then fell over when I told him._

_Ulquiorra: I hope you hit him for asking._

_Orihime: I don't see why I would. Although his lieutenant hit him so hard with her book that he didn't get up for ten minutes._


	18. Birthday Party for Aizen

**Birthday Party for Aizen**

* * *

"So what are you going to get him?" I asked Ulquiorra.

"Get who what?"

"What are you going to get Aizen for his birthday?"

There was silence.

"I really don't think that it would be appropriate to get him anything," Ulquiorra finally replied.

"Perhaps you are right. I know," I said. "Let's throw him a birthday party!"

* * *

The group of espada that I had called into an informal meeting didn't look like they particularly trusted what I was saying, and who could really blame them?

"Here's a picture!" I said, holding one out.

They looked.

"Is he…smiling?" Grimmjow asked in confusion.

"Are those things the things called balloons?" Stark asked.

"Yes and yes," I confirmed. I could tell that they would agree.

* * *

"Baraggan was having me do some research on the birthday party…" Charlotte Cuulhourne said.

"And?" I asked.

"And I want to jump out of the cake!"

I nearly fainted but decided to be diplomatic. "We won't need such a very large cake, just a small one. Sorry."

Crisis adverted.

* * *

"I don't understand the game," Ulquiorra said.

"Why am I not surprised at that?" I replied. "Let me look at it."

It was pin the tail on the donkey.

"Ok, you do this blind folded and you are testing you ability to test spiritual pressure versus your desire to stab the person who is acting as the donkey," I explained.

"Oh, then we shouldn't put someone everyone hates as the donkey."

"Or we _should_, up to you," I shrugged.

* * *

"The balloons on the backs of the chairs are fine," I took Stark. "The longer shaped ones though," I looked at where Grimmjow was wrestling with bending them.

"What's wrong with them?" he said defensively.

"They look…phallic…" I said, picking one up and holding it suggestively.

"The book says that's a sword shape. It's a sword not a…swords look phallic, that's not my fault! It's not my fault you're a pervert always thinking about men!" Grimmjow yelled at me.

"Fine, then make some boob shaped one to even things out and we'll be fine."

"Well," Stark pointed to the regular balloons already around.

"Oh, yeah," I said. "Problem solved!"

* * *

"Tia, this music is making me want to kick someone's teeth in," Grimmjow said.

"I can change it."

"No, I kind of like it," he said.

She changed it.

* * *

"Here," Aaroniero said, giving Zommari a bucket.

"What is this?"

"The pony."

"I believe that you misunderstood the concept."

* * *

"That's probably enough confetti, Yammy," Ulquiorra said.

Yammy ignored him and continued to throw fist full after fist full at the table. "It's kind of fun," he admitted.

* * *

"I hate you all and will kill anyone that laughs," Nnoitra said.

"The point is laughter," I mentioned.

"Yeah, make a joke," Yammy said.

"He is the joke," Grimmjow said with a coarse laugh. "How much makeup do you have on?"

"It's not woman make up it's makeup makeup!" Nnoitra said.

Grimmjow sniffed. "You smell like a woman."

"It's stage makeup," helped out Szayel. "It's a very specific form for clowns. I did extensive research to get it the way it should be."

"I'm sure that your makeup is just perfect, Szayel," Grimmjow said with a smile. "You can only make him a woman, you can't make him a lady."

"Clowns aren't woman!" Nnoitra yelled.

"Except when they are," I pointed out.

"Except when…" he stared at me.

Kaname Tosen had entered the room. "What is going on here?"

"Oh just being a little festive," I said.

Aizen had finally arrived.

"Happy Birthday!" They all yelled like I had told them to.

Aizen just looked at me for several moments. "It's not my birthday," he said finally.

"What?" Grimmjow said, turning towards me.

"If it was, I'm not sure why you think that this," Aizen made a gesture towards the decorations and costumes, "would be what I would want."

"We saw a picture of you at party like this one," Stark said quietly.

I had the picture handy and passed it along to Aizen. He looked at it for a moment. "I suppose none of you has heard of Photoshop?"

They nodded their poor naive little heads.

"He's altered the picture," Aizen said. "He's actually fairly good at it. Do you have anymore on you that I can show them?" he asked me.

I had one.

"Wow," Grimmjow said upon seeing it.

Tia and Szayel just started giggling. By the time it had gotten to Nnoitra… "What! That's not me!"

"Well, obviously," Grimmjow said. "I'm fairly sure we would've noticed if you had a body like that," he continued with a leer.

"I just used photo manipulation to put your head on another person's body," I explained.

"Can I have that photo?" Grimmjow asked me.

"NO YOU CANNOT!" Nnoitra said, shredding it.

"I have more," I said in a mock whisper.

"So…you made us do all of this for nothing?" Zommari asked.

"Well, there is cake! Nothing is too bad if there's cake," I sat down behind the large slice that had been placed on my plate. Triple layered chocolate with cherries and… "WAIT!" I yelled just before we all dug in. "Who made the cake?" I asked.

"Szayel. We're never had a cake before, we had to look it up."

I looked at his radiantly innocent (seeming) face and then at my completely delicious (looking) moist cake and sighed. I pushed it away.

"I'm eating it anyways," Yammy said.

* * *

_Orihime: I can make him a cake if he wants._

_Ulquiorra: I don't think you should be making things for someone who is imprisoning…On second thought, yes, make him a cake. What will you need?_

_Orihime: Well, eggs, lots of bean paste, obviously! Honey, some mustard…_


	19. Overhearing Things

**Overhearing Things**

* * *

I had recently acquired a special friend and was eager to show him to someone. It was with great joy that I saw Ms. Rukia Kuchiki coming down the hall. She's so cute when she sees me coming; she freezes like a little rabbit, her eyes all wide.

"C…Captain Ichimaru," she said, bowing, moving aside for me to pass her.

"Hello, Rukia," I said in a friendly tone.

She was still looking downward, probably hoping that I didn't want to chat. She managed to catch eye of my friend though and gasped.

"What is that in your hakama?" she asked. _(hakama = pants)_

The funny thing with drunken people is that they have a distorted perception of things. I'm very sure that Captain Kyoraku thought that I couldn't see him, but he wasn't taking into account the angle. He instantly put his back to the wall. I almost laughed right there and ruined the whole thing. Of course he would jump to the wrong conclusion about Rukia's comment, considering his reputation with women.

I decided then and there that I would be having fun with our good captain that day.

"It is a snake," I replied.

"You have a snake in your hakama?" Rukia questioned.

"Want to see?" I asked.

I heard a thunk as Captain Kyoraku fell down.

From where Rukia was she could clearly see that there was a snake wrapped around the top of my hakama and going up my sleeve and out it at the end. I reached out with my hand so that the snake lightly flicked at her with his tongue. She shivered, quickly made an excuse and left. I made a quick check on Captain Kyoraku who was still lying in a pile, making sure that the snake was completely hidden in my clothing first.

"Shunsui!" I exclaimed. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine…" he said, pulling himself up.

"See you then!" I said, wandering off.

I began to think of what else I could do. I had to lay down my plans quickly, because I imagined that it would be too long before Shunsui decided that maybe he should follow me. I was right because it was less than an hour later that I saw him again.

"Lieutenant Hinamori," I greeted Momo with a smile. "Can I talk to you for a minute over here?" I pulled her into a recess so that Shunsui wouldn't be able to see us clearly but would still be able to hear us.

"Captain Ichimaru?" she said confused.

"I wanted to give you your undergarments back," I said.

She started to blush when I suddenly held up a pair of her tabi socks.

"I…I guess I must have left them out drying…" she said confused. "How did you know that they were mine?"

"Oh, I just picked them up and figured that they were yours," I said with a grin. "Mine, on the other hand, are rather distinctive. Do you want to see?" Before she could respond I raised my foot exposed the top of my socks, showing that they had two bright green bands around them.

"Captain I…" I have no idea what she was going to say because I could tell that Shunsui was making a move.

"See you later," I said as I flash stepped over the roof.

Shunsui was following closely but that was ok, because I didn't need a lot of set up for the next play.

"Rangiku, I just thought I'd drop these off," I said once I got into her office. I could feel Captain Kyoraku's spiritual pressure nearby and hoped he could hear us.

"Gin! I told you to get rid of these," she said.

"They are such lovely pictures that I hate to destroy them," I replied, looking over the pictures that someone had taken of one of her most recent drunken binges. The reason she was so on edge about them was because they had taken place the Squad 10 offices and she definitely knew that her captain would go up in flames if he found out.

"I was stupid to agree to it," Rangiku said.

"Oh come on, at least let me keep the one of you at your captain's desk," I replied.

I heard a thump outside. The two of us looked around the corner and found Captain Kyoraku completely passed out.

"Do you think he's ok?" she asked, worriedly.

"He's fine, he was kind of drunk anyways and then he had a sudden lose of blood to his head," I said with a smirk.

I needed to wait for him to be awake for my last encounter so I played cards with the snake for a couple of hours. If you think you can't do that you're wrong. It's like solitaire, only more bitey.

It was time so I moved myself to the Squad 8 offices. Captain Kyoraku came in just as I was approaching Lieutenant Ise's desk.

"You!" he said. "Why are you here?"

"I'm here to pick up Nanao for our date," I replied.

"WHAT?" he yelled. "No you are not!" he said to me. He turned to his lieutenant, "I order you to not go a date with him!"

"Oh really?" she said with simmering anger. "Do you really think you can give me an order like that?"

"He's a pervert, stay away from him!" Shunsui said.

"Ha, _you're_ calling him a pervert?" she laughed.

"He flashed Rukia earlier today!"

"I talked to Rukia just an hour ago and she didn't mention anything aside from the fact that she thought it was creepy that Captain Ichimaru walked around with a snake in his sleeve," Nanao answered.

"He stole Momo's underwear!"

"I gave her some socks of hers I had found," I replied.

"He had naked pictures of Rangiku…" here he paused, probably distracted by the prospect. While he was zoning out I made a drinking motion with my hand to Nanao. She actually had come and helped clean up that particular party so she could probably guess what pictures they were.

"YOU are the pervert, not…" she paused for a moment as if to brace herself, "Gin." She grabbed my hand and we left, with Shunsui practically sobbing behind us calling out for Nanao.

As soon as we got out of view she dropped my hand.

"Magnificent," I said, clapping for her. "Done on the fly too."

"He's very annoying sometimes," she said. "And it was obvious that you were just trying to drive him batty as opposed to actually going after me."

"Are you going to go back and console him or just leave him there?" I inquired.

"I haven't made up my mind yet."

* * *

_Ulquiorra: You would think that a man like Captain Kyoraku would learn to just avoid Gin all together._

_Orihime: You would think that a woman like Lieutenant Ise would learn to just avoid Shunsui all together._


	20. What Are You Scared Of?

**What Are You Scared Of?**

* * *

"I'm bored Kira," I said, barely having arrived in the office.

"Uh-huh," he answered, not looking up.

"Give me the names of four people and what you fear the most," I asked.

"What?"

I waited.

"Um, Renji Abarai, Momo Hinamori, Rangiku Matsumoto, and Ikkaku Madarame," he finally replied.

"And your fear?"

"I don't know. It's not something that I think about."

"Oh well, I'll be out for the rest of the day. If there's any paperwork that needs to be done put in on my desk, then sigh at it, then take it back and bury it in the garden," I said.

"What garden would that be?" he asked, confused.

"We don't have one? Ok, plant a garden, and then bury the paperwork in it."

* * *

I figured that Rangiku was probably going to get mad at me, but I could always make it up to her. I had to wonder about whether Captain Aizen was going to be ok with me messing with Momo though. Oh well, we all learn by doing, right?

I decided to get Rangiku out of the way first. Her I knew the best and I could very easily figure out what to do to get her riled.

I peaked into her quarters. Excellent, she was still home and asleep. Then again, considering the time, her pipsqueak of a captain was bound to come by sooner or later to yell at her to get to work. I made quick work of my prank and snuck back out, knocking on her door to wake her up.

"Gin?" she said blearily as she answered the door with a yawn.

"Rangiku, you look terrible. Let me make you some breakfast," I offered.

"I don't know that I want to eat breakfast," she replied, looking a little green around the gills. "My stomach hasn't really settled from last night."

"Well, I can at least make you some tea while you get ready for work."

"Thank you."

I heard her go into her bedroom and grab some things and then make her way to her bathroom. It wasn't too long before she came out to me, tears in her eyes.

"GIN!" she said. "I…I'm beautiful, right?"

"Of course you are," I assured her.

"It's just that I...I seemed to have gained quite a bit of weight recently."

"You look fine," I said.

"My scale says I've gained 15 pounds!"

"Nonsense."

"And my hair, when I was brushing it I was noticing…" she paused. "My hair is graying!" she said, crying a little.

I kind of felt bad, but oh well. I'll make sure that she's pretty drunk tonight when I tell her it was just a joke. Then she can adjust her scale back and wash the dye out of her hair and be fine.

* * *

For my next victim I needed to hang back and observe from afar, because there wasn't really any reason for me to be around Squad 11. Luckily, Ikkaku was lounging around outside, seemingly having just finished some training rounds against Yumichika.

"Baldy!" Yachiru said, bounding up.

"What?" Ikkaku asked.

"Got something for you!" she handed him a letter, which he opened. The color faded from his face.

"What the hell is this?" he yelled at her.

"Something wrong?" Yumichika asked.

"It's an approval for a request to transfer to Squad 12," Ikkaku said.

"WHAT!" Yumichika said. "You can't leave…"

"I didn't ask for this!" Ikkaku replied. "Yachiru, did you do something?"

She nodded. "No. Kenny would be sad if you left. Most everyone else just keeps dying. It's hard to keep remembering everyone's name."

"Damn it," Ikkaku said staring at the piece of paper. "What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry, I can work it out," Yachiru assured him.

That was probably true, I thought to myself. Mayuri basically puts the place on lockdown anytime the little lieutenant approaches. Besides, it's not like it was an actual transfer.

* * *

"You must be pretty excited," I said to Renji.

"What?" he replied, looking up from his desk. If I had startled him, he didn't show it. He wouldn't be nearly as fun as Kira. I felt bad for Byakuya.

"I mean about this," I held out a card.

He flipped it open. "To announce the marriage of Byakuya Kuchiki and Rukia Kuchiki on the date of…" he stopped reading and didn't say anything for what had to be five minutes. They would have been awkward for anyone else but I was enjoying watching the wheels turn in his head. Poor guy. I do have to wonder, because I am like that, which he was most upset about? I mean, rumors are rumors for a reason.

"Captain Ichimaru," Byakuya said as he walked into the room. "Did you need something?"

I know when I'm no longer needed, so I got out while the getting was good. I do wish I could have heard the conversation that Renji must have initiated after I left, but I also don't want to have "died by cherry blossoms" on my grave either.

* * *

"Momo, dear, can you give this to Sosuke for me?" I asked, handing her a kosode.

She blushed slightly at my use of her first name and calling her dear.

"You see he left them over at my place last night and forget to take them with him this morning when he left," I said.

"Yes, I'll make sure that he…" she paused as my whole sentence sunk in a little. She turned a little redder. "Um, yes," she finished, staring at the shirt in her hand.

"You know he…" I began.

"Captain Ichimaru," I heard from behind me. I guess other captains spend a lot more time in their offices than I do in mine. "You do realize you might have given her the wrong impression with that?" Aizen said.

"Oh, really?" I laughed, thinking quickly. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean anything of the kind. You see Momo, I missed the last captains' meeting and Captain Aizen came to fill me in on the details. I spilled some tea on his uniform and gave him a change of clothes. He came by in the morning to pick up his laundered clothes but we wound up in a deep discussion and he left it behind before he headed into the office."

"Oh!" she said, looking relieved.

"Well, I guess I should go now," I said.

"I imagine so," Aizen replied.

* * *

Kira hadn't told me anything he was scared of, but I could still mess with him. I waited until it was fairly late at night, when he had been home for awhile but wouldn't be asleep, before I sent the message. Kira is a good lieutenant; he always tries to do whatever work he can on his own before bothering me, so I was sure he's stop by the office rather than go to my residence. Besides, having to form a quick away mission on the fly sometimes just happens, and it wasn't that unusual for him to have to come in after hours to look through files.

"Ca…captain?" he asked, walking in the door.

"Kira? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"What…are you wearing?"

"Oh I just thought I'd clean the place up a bit," I said, flicking my feather duster.

"You don't need to wear a maid's outfit to clean…" he said flustered, backing up. "Especially with such a short skirt…" he stepped backward again, tripping over a brick I had laid there. Now, I'm not psychic, I had laid several around. It still was a pretty satisfying fall though. Kira always is pretty light in the head, a good whack puts him right out. I checked to make sure that he was actually unconscious and slung him over my shoulder, dropping him off at home back in his bed.

* * *

"Captain?" Kira asked in the morning.

"Yes?"

"Did I…come by here last night?"

"Why would I know that?" I replied.

"It's just that I thought I did, but then I woke up in bed," he said, struggling.

"A dream, maybe? You should work less if you're dreaming about being in the office."

"A dream? But why would I dream about…" he stopped suddenly, blushing. "Ha ha! Anyways, here's some things for you to sign. Oh, and I did think of something I'm scared of."

"Really?" I was all ears.

"Babies."

"Babies?"

"Yes, they cry and you don't know why and they're so small that they look like they could break but people always try to make you carry them anyways. Why would I want to carry a baby? And you're supposed to think that they're cute and adorable but they don't have teeth and have soulless eyes and weird chubby fat arms," he finished.

"Wow," I replied. "You are really messed up."

I wonder where I can get a baby?

* * *

_Orihime: Babies ARE adorable! How could you possibly be frightened of them?_

_Ulquiorra: ::shudders::_


	21. Who is Playing Who?

**Who is Playing Who?**

* * *

Everyone knows that we have cameras everywhere in Los Noches: what they don't know is that I have personally bugged a lot of public (well, let's be honest, also some private) places for my own personal amusement. That's why I was able to find out ahead of time that Grimmjow was up to something. I would normally put him down as a smash and grab type, so for him to actually plan something out piqued my interest. The fact that his target was me only made the game more interesting. I couldn't hear the details of the plan he was laying out to an uninterested looking Ulquiorra but there was no need for me to; I could think on my feet enough to avoid whatever he threw at me.

So I was surprised but not shocked when I woke up one morning with a warm kitty snuggled up in my arms, and by warm kitty I mean a psychotic killing machine with a personality disorder, bad temper, and electric blue hair.

Luckily I am one of those people who wake up completely lucid, it would be unfortunate for me to have to explain to Aizen why I killed one of his Espada, especially one as fun as Grimmjow is. We were both mostly naked, but luckily at least partially dressed. I had to wonder at his game but played it cool.

I waited until he woke up, which wasn't too long. How cute, he stretches like a cat too. I'll have to remember to annoy him with that fact the next time I'm trying to piss him off. He looked me in the eyes. "Good morning," he said.

"Good morning," I replied.

"My head still hurts from last night, I think I'm going back to sleep," he said, snuggling back into my arms and instantly starting to snore.

So that was it. I had drunk with several people that night, but I was sure that I hadn't drunk enough sake to wind up in bed with Grimmjow, since "infinite amount of sake" doesn't actually exist. That meant that this was his plan to get back at me for some various mundane pranks I had played on him. Well, two can play at this type of game. I curled my arms around him, pulling him closer to me, feeling his body stiffen as he tried to not pull away. He was still actually awake then. I nuzzled his ear and he stifled a shriek.

"Sorry, cold nose?" I asked.

"Ha ha, yeah. You know, I think I'm going to change," he said, jumping up quickly.

"Are you sure? There's not really a lot going on today. There's no reason to no just lounge around in bed," I let my voice drip a little with an open invitation.

I really wished his back wasn't towards me, because I wanted to see his face.

"Er, no. I'm supposed to meet Szayel," Grimmjow replied, leaving quickly.

I smiled at the ceiling.

* * *

"Darling," I said, wrapping my arms around him from behind.

"Gah! Don't touch me," Grimmjow yelled.

"Sorry, I'm not letting you go until you promise to join me for dinner tonight," I said huskily into his ear.

"Fu…" he stopped abruptly when he got a quick look from Szayel. "Um, yeah, of course."

He stomped off. I pity whatever lower arrancar he would be running into throughout the day because he already had Pantera half drawn just in case.

Szayel gave me a wide smile. "I told him that if he confessed that he played a trick on you that he'd get in trouble since he drugged you."

"Oh, and where did he get this drug?" I asked.

"I'm sure he just grabbed some plant from the desert," Szayel said vaguely.

"I'm sure," I replied.

* * *

"So we're just hanging out here?" Grimmjow looked around my quarters.

"Why not? I'm a good cook," I replied.

"I doubt that you make food that I want to eat," he said.

True. Espada are still hollows after all.

"Well, we can always do something else then," I said, leaning in close, my lips almost touching his.

He jumped quickly into the corner. I almost had to put my hand to my mouth to restrain my laughter.

"I was thinking that maybe this whole dating coworkers thing isn't a good idea," he said. "So…I'm leaving now…" he bolted.

* * *

The next day I was woken up early by knocking on my door.

"Yes?" I asked.

It was Grimmjow.

"I was thinking about last night, and I'm sorry. I guess I just freaked out a little. I mean, I know that it seems like I hate you, but that can be kind of hot, right? I'm willing to do new things. I'll try anything once," he said.

Uh-oh. Not good.

"So can I come in?" he continued.

"Er," I said.

He didn't wait for an answer, just stepped forward and kissed me.

"Gaaaahh!" I said, falling backward, landing on the ground ungracefully.

He stood over me, looking angry. Angry and…happy? That's when I realized…

"Dick," he said, leaving with a laugh.

I sighed to myself. In the end he did get me anyways. I guess that means I need to plan something special as a "reward" for him.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: The odd thing about this story is that Grimmjow loves telling it because he gets the better of Gin but then gets mad when I mention that he's kissed Gin._

_Orihime: Well, it's about context._

_Ulquiorra: I went around all week going, "Nnoitra, did you know that Grimmjow kissed Gin? Aaraniero, did you know that Grimmjow kissed Gin? Zommari, did you hear…_

_Orihime: I get the point._

_GRIMMJOW ENTERS_

_Ulquiorra: Hey Grimmjow, we were just reading about that time that you kissed Gin._

_Grimmjow: Damn it Ulquiorra one of these days I'm going to…_

_Ulquiorra: What? Kiss me?_

_Grimmjow: Screw you, jerk._

_Orihime: Um Grimmjow, I think you should choose your words more carefully._

_Grimmjow: I hate you all._


	22. Mortification

**Mortification**

* * *

_A/N: Mortification: __A feeling of shame, humiliation, or wounded pride._

"You look very tired today, Kira," I said. "Do you want to go home early?"

"I'm fine," he said.

I felt the spiritual pressure of Lieutenant Hisage approaching. Shuuhei comes over fairly often, delivering reports by hand instead of having someone else do it so that he can chat with Kira.

"You are being stubborn. I think I will make you go home and sleep, even if I have to carry you there myself," I said, picking him up in my arms bride style.

"Captain!" Kira yelled, turning red.

That of course was when Shuuhei walked in. "I…" his face blanked. He turned around and walked back out.

"Shuu…Shuuhei!" Kira tried to call after him.

"Sorry," I offered my fake apology.

I was so impressed with how very mortified Kira was that I finally figured out how I was going to spend my day. Other captains already have their days planned out for them, doing paperwork and running their squads. Since I don't do any of that I have to be more creative. Sure, Shunsui and Kenpachi don't run their squads either, but since they spend all their time drinking and fighting (respectively), they more or less have their work day allotted as well.

* * *

I saw Captain Hitsugaya approaching and leaned against the railing, staring into space. I knew from past experience that although Toshiro never actually wants to have a conversation with me, he feels it is polite to at least acknowledge and greet me when he passes.

"Good morning, Captain Ichimaru," he said to me.

I ignored him completely.

There was a long pause and then he tried again. "Captain Ichimaru," he said again, louder this time.

I stared into space.

"GIN!" he yelled.

"What?" I turned and looked at him. "Oh sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. I guess I didn't see you down there."

I could see him already start to simmer at the phrase "down there" so I thought I'd take things to a boiling point.

"Here you go!" I said, putting my hands at his hips and easily lifting him to sit on the railing, like you would helping a child to a high place.

"You…" he said dangerously.

"C…captain?" Rangiku asked hesitantly as she walked up.

"Rangiku…" Toshiro replied, not really sure what to say after that point.

I decided that was the best time to leave.

* * *

"Why hello, Rukia," I said.

"Um, wha..." she said, waking up from her nap under a tree. "Captain Ichimaru!" she said, once she gathered her wits. I always do love the way she says my name, like she's invoking an elder god's curse.

"How is your captain doing?" I asked.

"He's fine," she said warily, not elaborating.

"Really? He's always so sickly. I do wonder why Head Captain Yamamoto keeps him around at all," I said.

"Excuse me?" Rukia responded, already beginning to lose her cool. I had been right to choose her captain as one of her hot spots.

"I mean, he's not really captain material anymore, is he? He's not really leading his squad and he's nothing really more than an invalid, and old man trying to not die while…"

Her hand flew forward, but I had been expecting it and caught it.

I had actually waited around watching her sleep for some time until I felt her brother coming near, so I wasn't surprised at all when I felt him very close.

Rukia gasped. "Brother!" she called.

Now, she was probably worried thinking that he would be mad that she was attacking a captain, but she didn't see the way she looked. Her hair was slightly messy from sleeping, her face flushed and eyes flashing from anger, her hand in mine.

"I will come back when I am not interrupting anything," Captain Kuchiki said, turning and leaving.

Rukia's jaw dropped so much that I'm amazed she didn't dislocated it. She removed her hand from mine as quickly as possible and took off after her brother.

* * *

"Gin, why are all these women here?" Jushiro asked me.

"I'm not sure. I'll go ask around," I said, effectively ditching him and loitering outside.

I had, of course, invited them all on the pretense that Captain Ukitake was looking for a "special someone". I had also made sure to provide lots of sake while they waited for him to show up. I waited for awhile outside before finally going to get Captain Kyoraku. I'm not sure what I said to him, I think I more or less said the word sake and pointed in the general direction of the party and he was off like a hound dog on a scent.

He was greeted with a roomful of women, all trying to vie for Jushiro's attention.

"You seem a little put out, Shunsui," I said.

"I…," he started. "Hey, Ayane, I thought you said you didn't want to date anyone and wanted to focus on your career?" he asked a nearby woman.

"Well, that was my answer to you at least. Captain Ukitake is a little different," she said unabashed.

"He's so dreamy," another woman said.

Shunsui started to look seriously depressed. He took some sake and went to sit outside.

Now, there's a surprising thing that happens with groups. For instance, probably not one of these women would have the nerve to even speak to Jushiro in their day to day life, but get them in a large pack and pour some sake down their throats and they had become positively predatory. Jushiro was a friendly person, and had been able to hold his own engaging in casual conversation, but was obviously getting more and more uncomfortable as the women around him began to get a little more obvious in their attentions. Several women made some very lewd observations about him and one began to stroke his hair.

I went outside.

"Shunsui, it looks like Jushiro is drowning in there," I commented.

"What? In women?" he said sadly.

"Actually, yes."

As Shunsui and I went back in we heard Jushiro yelp and jump forward.

"Did…did someone just grab his ass?" Shunsui said shocked.

"Looks like it," I replied.

Shunsui darted behind Jushiro. "I'm sorry ladies, but there's been a misunderstanding." He wrapped his arms around Jushiro from behind and planted a kiss on his temple. "You see, Jushiro is mine."

Jushiro had already been red before, but at this point I was seeing veins pop from his neck. "What? No…we're not…there's nothing…"

Shunsui was already laughingly dragging Jushiro from the room though.

"Oh come on, I just saved you. You can't be that mad at me," I heard Shunsui say as they left.

* * *

I went over to Squad 4 to find some more candidates. Captain Unohana would be hard to get, but I could probably get her lieutenant. I looked her over.

"No," a voice said from behind me. I turned.

"Hello, Retsu," I said in a friendly voice. "No what?"

"Just no," she said pleasantly, walking away.

I sighed. Oh well, it was already four, I never liked working past four anyways.

* * *

_Orihime: You and I never do anything fun like this._

_Ulquiorra: Why would you being doing anything fun when you are a prisoner and what makes you think I'd be a willing participant?_

_Orihime: Oh come on!_

_Gin: He just knows he can't come up with anything as good as I do._

_Orihime: Maybe he's just scared of what Grimmjow will do to him if he gets caught._

_Gin: You're right, he's lacking the creativity AND the balls to…_

_Ulquiorra: I will not be goaded into this._

_Orihime: But you're going to do it anyways, right? _

_Ulquiorra: No._

_Gin: Orihime?_

_Orihime: Let's do it!_


	23. Mortification: Espada Style

**Mortification: Espada Style**

* * *

"So, you have a plan?" I asked Orihime.

"Yup. I just need you to get me one thing and the rest I can do on my own," she answered.

"My only condition is that I get to watch," I added.

"Gesh, voyeur much?"

"Excuse me?" my smile dropped ever so slightly. Where do these children get these ideas?

* * *

"Why are we here?" Nnoitra asked. I noticed that Orihime had gone out of her way to invite the espada that Grimmjow has the most problems with. In addition to myself and Nnoitra there was Ulquiorra and Szayel.

"I'm going to make everyone pancakes!" Orihime announced.

"What are pancakes?" Nnoitra asked.

Orihime ignored him and knocked on Grimmjow's door. There was no answer.

"Allow me," I said, moving her aside. I knocked once, briefly waited, and then kicked his door in.

"What the holy hell are you…" Grimmjow fumed.

We had obviously just woken him up. His hair was going in all directions, his eyes were slighty groggy, and he was only wearing a pair of boxers. Orihime retreated out into the hall while the rest of us forced ourselves in, enjoying Grimmjow's tantrum.

"Not a morning person?" Szayel asked.

"Do ya think the blue hair is natural?" Nnoitra grinned, looking pointedly as Grimmjow's boxers.

"So you woke up and decided you wanted to die this morning or what?" Grimmjow said angrily. He looked around, probably trying to find Pantera. Either he is a real slob or else he had fallen off the bed and knocked a couple of things over when I forced in his door, because there were objects and bedding everywhere.

"Mew!"

Grimmjow stood stock still.

"Meeewwwwww!" the cry came again.

"Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked. "Is that a cat?"

"Of course it's not a freaking cat!" Grimmjow said.

A tiny orange striped kitten poked his head out of a tangle of sheets. "Meeeeww!" he called plaintively.

"Aw, how cute," Nnoitra said with a malicious grin. "Is he yours?"

"What? Why the hell would I have a kitten?"

"I meant YOURS," Nnoitra said, putting emphasis on the word.

"Oh, did you have a litter?" Szayel said in a mock serious tone.

"GO TO HELL ALL OF YOU!" Grimmjow screamed.

"Well, if he's not yours, I suppose you don't mind if I take him," Szayel said, scooping up the kitten and looking at him analytically. "I can always use him for some experiments."

Grimmjow paled. "No!" he said, taking the cat back. "What the hell is wrong with you? He's just a baby!"

* * *

A couple of hours later I stopped by Grimmjow's room.

"The meeting is going to start soon," I called in.

"Damn it, I know what time it is. You don't have to come and remind me like I'm a child," Grimmjow replied.

He started to leave but then noticed that Szayel was hanging out in the hallway.

"What are you doing here?" Grimmjow growled.

"What? Oh nothing," Szayel said unconvincingly.

Grimmjow sighed and went back into his room, through the broken door. From my vantage point I could see him pick up the cute little orange kitten and stick him down his shirt. I smiled to myself and then left for the espada meeting.

* * *

"Next, I want to address the fact that people having been being mean to Wonderweiss," Kaname continued.

"Mew!" Grimmjow's shirt said.

There was silence around the table.

"Something you wanted to add, Grimmjow?" Aizen asked.

Brilliant! I couldn't have asked for anything better. Grimmjow looked chagrined.

"Um…no…" he replied.

I could see him reach under his shirt and try to pet the kitten to make him shut up.

"The fact of the matter is that he simply can't…" Kaname stopped as a loud purring filled the roomed.

Grimmjow froze.

I got the most evil idea. "Exactly where is your hand, Grimmjow?"

I got the reaction I wanted. He jumped on the on the table and reached for Pantera. Unfortunately, that is when Mr. Killjoy stepped in.

"Grimmjow, why don't you just let the kitten sit on your lap instead?" Ulquiorra suggested.

Damn it, things were getting to be so much fun.

* * *

"So?" Orihime asked me.

"It went great, I'm impressed. A lot of it was luck though," I told her.

"Oh, and your pranks don't rely on luck?"

"Of course not, they rely on my wit, ingenuity, and genius," I said modestly.

"Hm," she replied. "Oh, so can I get the kitten back?" she asked hopefully.

"I think that Grimmjow has actually taken a liking to him."

She looked sad. "I got that one because he kind of reminds me of Ichigo."

* * *

Later in the evening I decided to check in on our little captive.

"I…" I was briefly at a loss for words.

Ulquiorra has arms wrapped tightly around Orihime, her head resting on his shoulder. His eyes were closed, and he _almost_ had a smile on his face. They pulled away as soon as they heard me.

"Oh, I get it," I said with a smile. "Well, I'm not fooled that easily."

Except...except that Orihime, who is not a good actor by anyone's standards, had a very visible blush and Ulquiorra was speaking to me very quickly.

"I assure you that this in no way hinders my ability to follow Lord Aizen's orders in taking care of my prisoner. I do not think that there is any reason to mention anything to him," he said.

I began to second guess myself. "Sure," I said, wandering back out. There was absolutely no way…right…?

* * *

_Orihime: Ha, and he said we couldn't do it!_

_Ulquiorra: Don't think I will help you again._

_Orihime: Oh come on, you did it to get back at him, not because you were doing me a favor._

_Ulquiorra: Why were you blushing so much?_

_Orihime: Um ::blushes again:: well when you pulled away you accidentally brushed your hand across my…uh…_

_Ulquiorra: …_


	24. Manly Kira

**Manly Kira**

* * *

This story isn't one of my own, but you really should have seen Kira's face when he was telling it to me. He looked both worried that I was going to get mad at him, and yet still a little proud. I'm not sure what he was concerned about, it's exactly the sort of stuff I enjoy and it turns out that he had quite a string of good ideas. Perhaps his worry stemmed from the fact that his actions were directed at Rangiku. In any case, I laughed heartily, told him not to think about it too much, and then promptly wrote it all down. Then I took Rangiku out for some dinner, because it did look like she had had a rough week, not that she didn't deserve it.

"It's so boring when there are no men around," Rangiku said with a sigh, looking around the bar.

"I'm here," Kira protested.

Rangiku laughed. "Ha, I barely consider you a man really." To be fair, I don't doubt that she wasn't trying to be mean. It just that there are some things that you don't really say, even to someone who seems to be as meek as Kira.

"Excuse me?" Kira asked.

Rangiku ignored him. "I meant, you know, a real man," she said.

Kira decided now was a good time to get up and call it a night.

"Um, Rangiku," Momo said. "That's seems a little…"

"Oh what, like Kira is going to do anything," Rangiku said drunkenly. "He'll just pout a little and get over it."

Kira was still close enough to hear that part though. She was right; he probably would have just blown it off. However, hearing that last part made him upset that people would just expect him to do it. He wasn't a doormat, was he? So he made his plans.

This is the part where you can tell that he has been spending too much time with me, although I have to give him an A for creativity for some of his pranks, which stretched out for the whole next work week.

* * *

**Monday**

Rangiku came into the office late on Monday morning, like she always did. Mondays were more bothersome than every other morning. Well, aside from Thursdays because that was before Fridays, and Fridays because then it was almost the weekend, and Sunday's because those usually hurt at first because it was immediately after Saturdays.

She wasn't paying too much attention when a bucket dumped liquid down on her. It's an age old prank, I'll admit, but Kira put a little spin on it. Instead of water, it was sake mixed with glitter.

Rangiku was shocked, but after waiting for a couple of minutes nothing else happened so she grabbed a rag and dried the floor, wondering if she should…

"Rangiku, could you…," Captain Hitsugaya stopped talking. He glared at her. "Did you not even think it was necessary to go home and shower before coming in like that?"

"What?" Rangiku replied.

"I think I'm pretty lenient to you but you can show up like you've been on a two day bender, which you probably have, and expect me to not get upset," Toshiro continued.

"I'm not…I'm not drunk," Rangiku said.

"You reek of sake. Go home, and come back clean. You're staying late to make up the difference," Toshiro ordered.

* * *

**Tuesday**

Once again, this one is a riff on an old prank, but it's so originally done that I almost patted Kira on the head. There is a vent over Rangiku's desk, which is what allowed Kira to lower the frog. I'm not sure how he made a frog harness, but he did. I assume that he caught the frog himself, unless he collects them. Actually, now that I think about it, he seems like that type that would have fish, snakes, frogs and lizards in various aquariums and terrariums at home. In any case, he had frog hovering over Rangiku's head while he remained hidden in the air duct (I guess being tiny counts for something, not that Kira is really that short, it's just that I could never fit in the Seireitei air ducts, I've tried).

From the point really all it would take was time. Eventually, Rangiku looked up. In my mind's eye, it's because the frog croaked. She did what most people would do when unexpectedly presented with a hovering frog, she screamed and fell over backward. Kira quickly drew up his frog, so that by the time Captain Hitsugaya rushed in, there was nothing but a crazed looking Rangiku.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" Toshiro asked, helping her up.

"There's a flying frog! He attacked me!" she wailed.

Toshiro just gave her one the patented "my patience for my lieutenant is wearing thin" look that he and Captain Kuchiki seem to have perfected. I've never seen them do it side by side; I wonder which one is icier? Toshiro has the advantage but Byakuya has the experience to maybe pull ahead. I'm thinking Toshiro's would be slightly more incredulous and Byakuya's slightly more haughty.

"There is nothing here," he said finally. "You should stop drinking," he mentioned as he left.

"What? This has nothing to do with…" she said to his closing door.

* * *

**Wednesday (morning)**

Kira had figured out by this point that he was going to need a little help, so he met with our little captain and had a pow-wow. He explained the situation, which Toshiro was surprising (or not surprisingly, when you think about it) sympathetic.

"Why would I help you?" Toshiro asked, still not completely willing to help.

"I heard that you want Rangiku to drink less. If you convince her that she's going crazy…" Kira suggested, leaving it open to Toshiro.

"Hm…"

* * *

**Wednesday (afternoon)**

I should probably jump in here and mention that this one seems particularly harsh to me. I guess just because I know Rangiku better than he does.

"Are you lost, little girl?" Rangiku asked when the little innocent faced child wandered into her office.

"I can't find my mommy," the girl wailed.

"Oh, maybe I can help you find her," Rangiku tried to comfort her.

"You can't, you're not a mommy. You'd be a terrible mommy!"

Rangiku was taken aback. "Listen here you little…," she stopped, probably not wanting to yell at a little girl who was probably just scared.

"Aren't you too old to have children anymore, anyways?" the child said.

I'm sure at that point lasers came dangerously close from shooting out of Rangiku's eyes and incinerating the child on the spot.

Rangiku decided it was best to let her captain know what was going on. He could deal with this hell's spawn.

"Captain," she said sweetly, coming into his office. "There's a lost little girl here. I was wondering what I should do."

He came out into the office, where the girl was now sitting on the edge of Rangiku's desk, swinging her legs.

"Where?" he asked.

"Wha…where?" Rangiku repeated. "What do you mean where? She's right there," Rangiku pointed.

Toshiro sighed. "Rangiku, first frogs, now this? I don't have time to give you a vacation to rest, but you really should be taking better care of yourself and cut down on the drinking."

He left, leaving her with the annoying brat o' doom, who had started to pop her gum.

* * *

**Thursday**

"Oh, what a pretty kitty you are," Rangiku cooed to the ginger colored cat with a pink ribbon around its neck. The cat purred happily, slight ramming its head into her cheek. "Aw," Rangiku picked the cat up and nuzzled it.

"What's your name?" Rangiku asked, seeing a little tag hanging from the ribbon on the cat's neck. "Haineko," she read out loud. "Haineko," she repeated to herself. She stared the cat for awhile. The cat kept purring, making bread on her legs before settling down in a little ball.

When Toshiro walked out of his office on his way to lunch she called out.

"Um, Captain?" she asked.

"What is it, Rangiku?" Toshiro asked with annoyance already in his voice.

"I don't suppose you see Haineko, do you?" she asked with a light laugh.

"Why, have you achieved bankai?" Toshiro laughed sarcastically.

"Well, just any cat, really…" Rangiku said, hoping that it still came off as a joke.

"Whatever Rangiku, I have to go," Toshiro said, leaving.

Rangiku sighed.

"I'm not going crazy," she said to the cat.

"Meow!"

"See, she agrees with me," Rangiku said, then realized that she was talking to no one about how a cat told her she wasn't crazy.

* * *

**Thursday (evening)**

"Party supplies?" Nemu asked.

"I know it seems like Squad 12 would be an odd place to come for them, but you see I want very _special_ party supplies. Something that maybe no one has ever seen before," Kira suggested hopefully.

"Actually, we do have several prototypes that might interest you," Nemu said. "I can let you have them for free as long as you promise to record and relay any data you receive from them."

"What kind of data would you get from a party decoration?" Kira was confused.

"Actually, don't worry. They're all bugged and recording anyways, or we can just watch on the cameras that we have in everyone's office," Nemu continued.

"Cameras that you have…" Kira was beginning to feel paranoid, although that is a very healthy feeling to have when visiting Squad 12.

* * *

**Friday**

Once again, a vent was Kira's friend. There are two, one directly over Rangiku's desk, which he used before, and another closer to Toshiro's office door, which is the one he was using now.

Kira took a deep breath, and then began hurling all of the packages that Nemu had given him down the hatch.

Rangiku's eyes flew up when the first palm tree grew (not really, it was a hologram), having been in the middle of her mid-Friday desk nap. Her eyes grew wider as a mini forest seemingly sprung up around her. There were explosions of confetti and streamers. Silly string rained down like a spring storm, and for some reason half the room was full of bubbles.

"Rangiku, is anything wrong?" Toshiro said, sticking his head out of the office.

"NOPE nothing wrong here. It's fine! Perfect!" she said with a frozen smile plastered on her face. "HAHAHHAAHA!" she added.

Toshiro sighed. Great, Kira had broken her. He looked up at Kira. Kira got the point and swung down. If Rangiku had noticed him falling from the ceiling, she didn't react.

"Rangiku," Kira said. She still didn't look at him.

"He's here," Toshiro said, impatiently stopping his foot.

"Oh," she replied.

The explanation of what had been going on really didn't take that long, especially since Kira spent half of it making a bolt for the door.

"Where are you going?" Toshiro asked Rangiku as she tried to follow Kira.

"Where do you think!" she responded angrily.

"You have a mess to clean up first."

"WHAT!"

* * *

_Ulquiorra: It's a wonder how anything ever gets done in the Soul Society._

_Orihime: Do you really think it's that better here?_

_Ulquiorra: Now that Gin is here maybe, but before that…_

_Orihime: Really? You don't think that the prank war that Nnoitra and Grimmjow have going on now isn't just as disruptive?_

_Gin: The WHAT? I want details!_

_Orihime: How do you even get in here? That door is locked._


	25. Don't Bet with Mayuri

**Don't Bet with Mayuri**

_A/N: Warning, boobies._

* * *

Mayuri made his move. I sighed, staring the shoji board. I had been psychically yelling at him to _not_ make that move, but of course he didn't listen, or maybe he's secretly telepathic and did hear me and I should have just kept my stupid mind shut and not broadcast the bad strategic decision I had made.

"Fine, I concede defeat," I told him.

"Excellent," he replied. He held up five tubes that seemed to have appeared in his hand through magic. How many secret pockets does that man have? I even remember him pulling out a live mouse from one of them during a captains' meeting. "Pick one," he demanded.

"Um, so none of those are fatal, right?" I asked the head of the research and development department.

"Of course not," he answered.

"None are super painful?"

"….of course not…" he answered, with the slightest hesitation.

Well, it was my idea to make the bet in the first place. I picked the pink one, because it seemed the most friendly (the bubbling black one look positively horrifying).

"So, I just drink it?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Here it goes!"

It actually tasted pleasant, like peppermint. I waited for awhile but nothing happened. Captain Kurotsuchi frowned.

"Hm," he quickly began to write things down on an electronic pad he kept with him. He jabbed me with a needle.

"Hey, ow. Warning next time?" I asked.

"Oh shut up," he said, studying…whatever in the world it was that he was studying (what, like I know anything about genetics or chemistry or whatever in the world he was doing).

"It only worked a little. It was supposed to make you a woman," he said after awhile.

"Only…a little?" I looked down. Oh my goodness. I seemed to have sprouted a rather voluptuous pair of breasts.

"Is that the only change? How is the rest of your body?" Mayuri asked, approaching me with outstretched hands.

I quickly backed away. "Oh no, I'm quite fine. I assure you everything is where it should be."

"Very odd," he shook his head.

"How long with this last?" I asked.

"Around 24 hours."

"Um, so…should I get a bra or something?"

"I have a couple in the closet," he replied.

"…you just…have them around?" I asked.

"This isn't an uncommon occurrence."

* * *

"Captain Ichimaru," Akron greeted me, before stopping in his tracks. "Uh…"

I was rather proud of my newfound cleavage, and since it was only going to last a day I had decided that I should flaunt it while I had it, pulling my kimono open almost wide enough to rival Rangiku for audacity. Having breasts was actually pretty fun, although I was finding them heavy and it seemed like I had to walk at a backward tilt. The stupid bra straps felt like they were digging into my shoulders too.

"Damn it," Akron finally said. "How come mine were so small? Why do you get giant balloon breasts while I got pancakes?"

That wasn't really the reaction I had been expecting, but considering his boss, I suppose I should have.

"You were a test subject for this serum?" I asked.

"Kind of. I lost a game of poker," Akron said, eyeing my generous bosom with envy.

"Well, I'm off. Also, Akron?" I said.

"Yes?"

"Get a girlfriend."

"Yes sir," he laughed.

* * *

It was with the greatest joy that I felt the presence of Captain Kuchiki wandering around. He likes to present himself as unflappable, and I was dearly wondering how he was going to remain uptight and noblesques when confronted with me and my new friends.

"Good afternoon, Captain Kuchiki," I said in a friendly tone.

Byakuya has a good eye, so I'm sure he had to notice the…changes…in my body before I had gotten to him.

"…Captain Ichimaru…," he acknowledged.

Was that awkwardness I heard in his voice? It made me want to laugh. So I decided to not let him go, engaging him in various small talk while he tried to make excuses to leave. He answered my questions with stilted phrases, keeping his eyes firmly on my face.

"Captain Kuchiki!" Renji called, running up. He looked at me. "Holy shit, why do you have boobs?" he asked.

I had never really had the chance to see Byakuya look grateful, but it was with a face full of gratitude that he greeted his lieutenant with now. Obviously Byakuya himself didn't feel it was within his position to degrade himself by asking such a question, although it was evidentially on his mind. His lieutenant was crude and brash though, it was completely within his nature to ask such a bold question and his captain was happy that he had.

"What these?" I said looking down. "Do you like them?"

"Hm," Renji said, looking at me with a critical eye. "Actually, although they'd be too large in general on most people, I think its ok because of your height. You're a little too underweight for it though. I bet if you put on some pounds to soften out your figure and maybe get some hips it would balance your body out better."

I laughed long and hard at his serious, and fairly spot on, critique. "You're my new third favorite lieutenant!" I decreed, leaving with a wave (Kira and Rangiku heading the list of course).

* * *

"Rangiku, I wanted to…" I was cut off.

"GIN!" she wailed.

"Um…Rangiku, why are you…"

"GIN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WANTED TO BE A WOMAN!" she wept, grabbing onto to me and crying into my shoulder.

Well, that definitely wasn't what I had wanted.

"Hey, it's ok, it'll be gone by tomorrow," I assured her. I'm not sure she heard over her crying because the tears didn't stop.

"What in the world…" Captain Hitsugaya began, coming out of his office. He glanced over the two of us huddled together. I could clearly see his eyes go from Rangiku's wet and red eyes, to mine, then down to my breasts. He hesitated, and then looked at Rangiku's, then back at mine. I supposed to assure himself that yes, there were two sets of breasts there, he hadn't someone transcribed hers onto me.

He turned around, walked back into his office, and closed the door.

* * *

There was one person who I very much wanted to shock; my lieutenant of course. I hadn't done anything to him all day. I was going through various reactions he might have when I walked right by Squad 11. I stopped walking when I heard a cat call.

"Nice," Kenpachi grinned at me. Fantastic, probably the only captain I didn't particularly want to run into right now.

"Kenny, is Gin a mommy now?" Yachiru asked, obviously quite confused and I can't blame her.

"That is definitely a nice rack," Ikkaku said, ogling me.

"He needs to gain some weight for it to work," Yumichika offered.

After that it was kind of down hill. I really can't believe some of the things that Kenpachi lets people say (or says himself) in front of Yachiru.

* * *

"Kira, you wouldn't believe some of the things those Squad 11 goons were saying to me," I said, walking in through the door. "Kenpachi was the worst too. I swear I thought that he…Kira? Are you listening?"

"Uh huh," he said, not looking up from the paperwork he was working on.

"Kira, look at me," I said impatiently.

He looked up and then looked down, no discernable expression on his face. "I'm sorry you're having a rough day, Captain," he said, working again.

I was perplexed. I approached his desk, leaning over it. "Kira!" I said firmly, so that he looked up at me.

"Yes?" he asked innocently.

I gave up and walked to my office. Just before entering I had an idea.

"You lost too!" I said turning quickly.

He just stared at me.

"Admit it! You lost a bet with Mayuri!"

"How in the world was I supposed to know that he was good at basketball?" Kira said sadly.

"How big were your boobs?" I asked, curious.

"Isn't this sexual harassment?" he replied.

* * *

_Orihime: Ohmygodyoudlookgreatwithboobs!_

_Ulquiorra: I would ask you to repeat that slower to make sure that I understood what you said, but I'm afraid that might be detrimental to your health._


	26. What's in the Box?

**What's in the Box?**

* * *

"Oh no, you can't just _have_ it," Szayel said, withdrawing his hand which held a vial of greenish liquid.

I sighed. "What do you want?"

"Grimmjow has a safe in his room. I want to know what's in it," Szayel said. "Simple as that."

As much as I hated bargaining with anyone, especially Szayel, I was now curious about this safe box of Grimmjow's myself and I might as well kill two birds with one stone.

"Deal," I said.

I waited until Grimmjow was training to casually break into his quarters and take a look at the safe. Unfortunately, it seemed fairly indestructible, or at least I couldn't figure out a way to blow it up without possible damage to whatever was inside. I played around with the combination keypad for awhile before temporarily giving up. I remembered about a rumor I had heard and I went to Starrk.

"Starrk?" I asked. I usually call him Coyote, which slightly annoys him. I think. It's kind of hard to tell for sure. However I felt I shouldn't go antagonizing him instantly when I was asking him for a favor.

"Mmm?" He grunted. I assume he was awake, although he didn't open his eyes.

"I heard that you gave Grimmjow a…" I was interrupted but a sudden scream.

"Ahhhhhh yaaaa!" Lilynette cried, landing firmly onto Starrk's belly.

"Oooaf!" he moaned, turning sideways into a fetal position.

"HEY! Wake up!" She yelled, hitting him in the back of the head.

"One second, Lilynette," I urged her.

She stopped, looking up at me.

"Starrk, I just wanted to know if it's true that you gave Grimmjow a safe, and if you have the combination to it," I asked quickly.

He paused a moment and I almost thought he was going to ask me why. "Yes," he said instead.

"I don't suppose you could tell me what it is?" I asked as sweetly as I could.

"Only if you watch Lilynette for a day," he said.

Oh no. That wasn't good at all. I looked over at her and she smiled serenely. Yeah, I'm not buying it. I was in a difficult position though. "Alright," I conceded.

"Good, now get out," he waved, not bothering to actually turn from his position on the floor.

"When should I bring her back?" I asked.

"I said a day didn't I? What time is it?"

"It's 2 in the afternoon."

"Then bring her back tomorrow at 2."

I paled. 24 hours? Certainly that was technically a day but I was hoping to watch the brat…er, child…for a couple of hours and then be on my way.

"YAY!" Lilynette said, sending a knee to my stomach. I keeled over.

Noticing that I had fallen out of the doorway, Starrk got up and closed the door, locking it.

"Um, so, what do you want to do?" I asked meekly.

"Everything!" she said.

Of course.

"Um, perhaps we should visit Kaname," I said. He usually had Wonderweiss around, maybe the two of them could go and chase each other off a cliff…I mean play tag.

Kaname wasn't in his quarters however. I had the brilliant idea of forcing the door and just letting Lilynette have fun. When I opened the door however…

"What in the world happened?" I asked, looking at the destruction, seemingly only capable by a category 4 hurricane.

"I came by earlier," Lilynette said with a shrug.

Not good.

"Um, food?" I offered.

"I'm full," she said, staring at me. I could just tell that she was thinking about doing something not good for… "Pony ride!" she yelled, jumping onto my back. Oh well, better than a gut shot I guess. At least I had a firm grasp on her too, so she couldn't get into that much trouble.

* * *

It was around 3 am and I was seriously beginning to understand why Starrk was always asleep. In fact, sleep seemed like a really good idea... "GIN GIN GIN GIN GIN GIN GIN GIN…"

I bolted awake.

"GIN!" she yelled again.

I reigned myself in and _didn't _reach for my zanpakuto. "Yes?" I asked in a voice not unlike death. It had no affect on her.

"NOW I'm hungry."

I sighed.

It wasn't until the morning that I realized that it was quite possible that she knew the combination of the safe herself.

"Of course I do!" she answered.

We waited until the coast was clear and entered Grimmjow's room again.

"It's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6," she said.

I choked. "It's what?"

"Can't you count?" Lilynette scoffed.

I opened the safe. The only thing in it was a flyer. I hope it's what Szayel wanted because I really need that potion now.

* * *

"Damn it! I knew it!" Szayel raged.

"It's just a concert flyer," I shrugged.

"I know! I made him promise to take me next time he went and he swore that he would, but this is tomorrow and he hasn't said anything! That jerk!"

"Well, take it up with him I guess. I did my part now…"

"Hiiiiyyyaaa!" a fist went into my eye. I fell to the ground in a heap, with Lilynette on my chest. "GIN GIN GIN GIN!"

"Give it to me now!" I urged Szayel. He gave me a look and handed me the vial. I swiftly grabbed Lilynette and poured it down her throat.

"…Gin…gin…," she said sleepily, before finally curling up into a ball and sleeping.

"How long will that last?" I asked.

"Twelve hours."

"Good." Not only would it keep her off my hands but Starrk would have the bonus of a couple of extra pain free hours himself. "How long to make some more?"

"Oh no, you need to do something else for another one," Szayel smiled.

Damn it, I just want to sleep. Insomnia makes me cranky.

* * *

_Orihime: I have a really good recipe for tea that helps you sleep. It's lavender, mint, St. John's Wart, and rose hip._

_Ulquiorra: That has to be the most normal recipe I've ever heard from you._

_Orihime: Then you add the chili and banana infused honey and just a squirt of pickle juice._

_Ulquiorra: It's like your mind takes a right turn when it should take a left._

_Orihime: What?_


	27. Captains' Retreat

**Captains' Retreat**

* * *

So every year we do this silly captains' retreat. Well, I call it silly but I actually do enjoy myself. I don't really see how it makes us a better team though, since every one ends with everyone wishing for something dire to happen to me. I really can't help myself though, they're all locked up and can't go anywhere, it's like they're practically begging for me to abuse them in different ways.

At this particular retreat I happened to be sharing a room with Captain Zaraki. For some reason I've had a hard time getting Kenpachi to react to most of my antics. His response to everything is a fight, and considering that having a battle with Kenpachi ranks 1,097 on my list of 2,000 things to do, I've given him a fairly wide berth in the past. However, some things just can't be passed up.

So that's how I found myself dressed in what is described as "Lolita" gear. It was pink and frilly, involved ungodly amounts of lace and a petticoat. I kind of felt like I should have a shepherd's crook and be searching for my lost sheep while singing nursery rhymes.

Kenpachi came in, gave me a look, shrugged and said, "Whatever". He then went into his room and closed the door. You can imagine my extreme disappointment. If I was going to have to deal with the unpleasantness that occurs when one wears thick wool stockings in the summer, then I was at least going to get a, "Where's the eye bleach!" reaction.

Later, when Kenpachi emerged from his room (and I had changed back into my uniform), I asked him about it.

"What you do in your own time is none of my damn business," he grunted.

Good lord. If you had told me that Mr. Pirate of doom and destruction was actually an open minded individual at heart, I would have slapped you. Well, mostly I would have slapped you just because I'd find it amusing, but still it would have come as a shocker. Then again, considering the way some of the men in his squad look and behave, I suppose it shouldn't have been that out of left field.

I sighed deeply. "I really don't usually dress up like that you know; I was just trying to get a rise out of you. Now I'm going to be bored all weekend."

"I feel you. I was hoping to get that damned Kuchiki involved in something this morning and all he did was level a cool gaze at me and walk away," Kenpachi said in commiseration.

"Hm," I considered. "I might be able to help you with that."

"Really?"

I reached up my sleeve and produced a bottle of what looked like lavender colored perfume. Kenpachi was now giving me the stink eye so I continued on to my explanation quickly. "It's a love potion," I said.

"You deaf? I said fight not f…"

"I understand," I cut him off. "It doesn't really make someone love you anyways, it's just an aphrodisiac."

"What, like raw oysters or something?" Kenpachi asked. "Why the hell would I want a horny Byakuya running after me?"

Honestly, the image that came scampering through my brain with that sentence almost caused me to lose my lunch, but I bucked up and explained my plan.

* * *

"Hey," Kenpachi said as we were approaching our target. "What is this doesn't work on him? He's a noble, he's probably been trained to be immune to most poisons."

It was a good point. However, "This is a brand new potion, he wouldn't have been exposed to it yet," I mentioned.

Poisoning him was surprisingly easy. I imagine it always is when you're like Kenpachi. He just reached over, put it into Byakuya's tea (while he was watching) and then poured it down his throat. Captain Kuchiki jumped up, stuttering his rage. He drew his zanpakuto, but before he could say those deadly words that would turn us into Swiss cheese, he got a confused look on his face and then slowly put away his weapon.

"I'm out," I said over my shoulder. I would watch from the doorway, but I really didn't want Byakuya's affections to be transposed onto me by accident.

"Sorry, Kuchiki," Kenpachi said. "I think stuff like this is cowardly, but since this will go away in a couple of minutes I figured it didn't really matter, kind of like putting salt into someone's sake."

"I didn't know that you liked playing pranks on people," Byakuya said, approaching Kenpachi.

"Not really, but I get roped into things by Yachiru all the time," Kenpachi admitted.

"I've always respected how you watched over Yachiru."

"Yeah I…" Kenpachi stopped because Byakuya was touching him at this point. He knew that this part had to happen before the fighting part, but it didn't make it less creepy.

"It shows that you have a deep and wider heart than you care to show people," Byakuya continued.

"Um…" Kenpachi still did have his pride, he wasn't going to slice a high man in half, but I could see that he was definitely having impulses in that direction when Byakuya wrapped his arms around his waist. Luckily, for our game to work, Kenpachi didn't actually need to allow anything further to happen so he did the second best thing in his mind (right behind punching Byakuya in the face) and sprinted out of the room.

"Kenpachi!" Byakuya called after him. "Come back! I have something I want to show you!"

My imagination must be tamed. It always does things that I don't want it to. At this junction a very unnerving series of images popped up, making me wish that I had stocked up on sake for this trip.

* * *

It wasn't until that evening that our plans came into fruition. All the captains were sitting around having dinner.

"What the hell, Kuchiki!" Kenpachi yelled. "Why were you all over me like that?"

"Excuse me?" Byakuya responded. The potion was a very brief one and he had been over its effects for hours now. The memories remained however.

"Seriously, what the hell made you think that I was even interested in you? Throwing yourself on me like that seems…"

"Stop," Byakuya said, jumping up, surely sensing everyone's eyes on him. He was well aware that he had been poisoned, but it seemed like convoluted excuse to bring up to everyone, aside from the fact that his personal life was none of their business.

"I mean, I know you were married, so you must swing both ways but you really should…" Kenpachi was continuing.

"STOP!" Byakuya yelled.

"Maybe you just haven't gotten any since Hisana died but…"

That was the straw that broke the camels back, or in this case, the insult that broke Byakuya's noble-like calmness.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he roared.

I've heard a couple of stories from Jushiro and Shunsui about the young hot head that Byakuya used to be, but it was nice to finally get to see it for myself.

The battle itself was remarkably brief. We really should have started it in someplace that had less captains around, because before you knew it everyone was stepping in trying to calm down the two combatants. That only made Kenpachi happier since he now had multiple opponents, but he had such an expression of disappointment on his face when Captain Unohana and Captain Tosen bound him in a pair of powerful kido spells that I felt bad for him.

* * *

"Well, at least I got a couple of minutes in," Kenpachi said. "Plus, pissing off Mr. High and Mighty was a blast too."

"I do have another potion on me as well," I mentioned. "We do have all weekend. Is there anyone else you've always wanted to fight?"

Kenpachi laughed deeply. "Yeah…"

* * *

_Ulquiorra: He does the same type of things at our retreats._

_Orihime: Where do you go?_

_Ulquiorra: To Disneyland._

_Orihime: Oh my god, are you kidding? That sounds like so much fun!_

_Ulquiorra: I am obviously kidding._

_Orihime: Oh._

_Ulquiorra: Yammy doesn't like rollercoasters._


	28. Fun with Hollow Holes

**Fun with Hollow Holes**

**

* * *

**

Now you may have thought that by now I would have forgotten about my plan to throw a paper airplane (or pen) through Grimmjow's hollow hole, but you'd be wrong. I'm nothing if not tenacious, a snake slowly biding its time. I had even spent time practicing making an airplane quickly and throwing it through different targets (what? It's pretty boring around here usually). So when I saw Grimmjow standing on a balcony, looking out into the (fake) sky, I knew that I had finally gotten my chance. I pulled out a piece of paper that I had saved for the occasion. Originally I had thought that I would try with a pencil, but I don't think it would get the desired effect. Once I folded the paper I creeped behind Grimmjow, and threw. I dashed to the side of him so that I could get a very clear picture of his face as it happened. He looked down as he felt it go through him (I've asked about this before, evidentially those holes are pretty sensitive, next time a hollow attacks you try to throw a cat or something through his opening to give yourself a chance of escaping). The looked of shock and surprise that came across his face was glorious. He watched it briefly as it fluttered in the breeze before making its way down to the ground.

Of course, my presence wasn't unnoticed.

"You!" Grimmjow turned and yelled at me. Without saying anything else he darted after me. Being prepared for that eventuality, I ran. He seemed really angry though, angrier than I would have thought for a fairly innocent prank.

"Something bothering you?" I asked over my shoulder as he continued to chase me.

"WHY ARE YOU WORKING WITH NNOITRA?" He growled.

"What?"

"He shot a cero right through me this afternoon!"

Impressive. It was the type of thing that could definitely go horribly wrong, but I doubt that would have bothered Nnoitra at all.

I have my own secret tunnels around Las Noches, so it wasn't long until I had lost my raging and cursing pursuer.

* * *

"Nnoitra, did you really shoot a cero through Grimmjow's hollow hole this afternoon?" I asked, finding the espada casually punching Tesla. I imagine it was supposed to be training of some kind, but it mostly just looked like he was wailing on his fraccion.

"Yeah."

"I threw a paper airplane through him just now and he got very angry at me, thinking I was working with you," I explained.

"Mine was better," Nnoitra pointed out.

He had a point. After all of my planning and patience, not only had he beaten me in time, but also in scale.

"I can beat your prank. I can do something even more impressive to Grimmjow," I swore.

"By when?"

I thought about it. "Two days."

"Alright, and if you fail?"

"This isn't a bet. I'm just telling you that I'm better than you at this."

"Naw, this is a bet. It has to involve Grimmjow's hollow hole, and if I don't agree it's better, than you have to fight me," Nnoitra said with a wide grin, having finally stopped pounding on his almost unconscious fraccion.

"Of course," I lied. I was planning on winning, but even if I didn't, there was no way I'd fight Nnoitra. Maybe I could get Aizen to do me a favor and make Nnoitra think I was fighting against him. It's not really the sort of thing Aizen would normally do, but he's been bored lately and has been bitchy because his tea shipment is late.

* * *

"I win," I told Nnoitra the next day.

"Like hell you do," he said, glaring at me.

"Do you think it counts as winking if you only have one eye to begin with?" I asked, apropos of nothing.

"WHAT?"

"Come and judge my prank for yourself," I said, ignoring the waves of anger I was feeling from him. That's pretty much par for the course as far as Nnoitra is concerned anyways. To catch him on a good day means he's still angry and wants to kill you, but is too lazy to think about it too much.

* * *

"Stop moving, damn it!" Grimmjow complained.

"I have to move if you want me to try…" Ulquiorra started.

"Ow! What the hell are you doing back there?" Grimmjow interrupted.

"If you possessed more than one brain cell you'd know to stop trying to turn."

"You little…OW…"

"Stop…turning…you…idiot," Ulquiorra said deliberately, as if to a child; a slightly developmentally disabled child.

Nnoitra opened the door curiously, and then burst out laughing. Tesla was giggling.

"YOU!" Grimmjow roared at me.

"I'm beginning to think that you don't remember my name," I replied. "I'm a little hurt."

"Release us at once," Ulquiorra ordered.

"How did you do it?" Nnoitra asked. I shrugged.

Ulquiorra had his hand through Grimmjow's hollow hole. His wrist was chained to the wall. Both Grimmjow and Ulquiorra had spiritual pressure cuffs binding their power. Grimmjow's back was towards Ulquiorra, with his face almost pressed up against the wall, Ulquiorra's arm locking him into place. Both could barely move.

Grimmjow tried to turn and glare at me. "OW!"

"Stop it," Ulquiorra said. I could swear that he was clenching his fists a little. I wondered if I could piss him off enough that he'd hit Grimmjow. Ulquiorra always is so deadpan that I love when I can actually rile him.

"Hm…" Nnoitra said. "Yeah, I guess you win."

Szayel entered the room swinging a pair of keys (I had recruited a little help for this prank). Both trapped espada looked at him, silently pleading.

"Oh no, you know that I never do things for free," Szayel said. "You have to earn your way out of those cuffs."

"What do you want?" Ulquiorra asked with resignation.

Szayel laughed unpleasantly.

* * *

_Orihime: Wait, but what did you have to do for him?_

_Ulquiorra: Grimmjow had to take him to some glam rock concert and I had to steal a Blue Angel F/A-18 Hornet._

_Orihime: You…you what?_

_Ulquiorra: I actually fairly enjoyed it._


	29. Gin vs Sumac

**Gin vs. Sumac**

_**A/N: General**__ – for those of you who read some of my other stuff, I mentioned I came back from vacation to find my company closing down. Turns out I most likely already have a job, I just need to fill out some paperwork, work out pay, etc. Nifty, right? My brothers (out of work for 1-2 years each of them) are probably secretly pissed off at me but are feigning happiness. I guess it doesn't hurt that I'm definitely willing to travel across the country to work there (again! I'm going to have lived in every state by the end of my career, I know it!). It is "y'all and not "ya'll", right? Is it possible to be a vegetarian in the south, please? Poor kitties, they hate air travel. Anyways, I'll let you all know when/if the move comes so you know when to expect delays._

_**A/N: Story**__ – this story is based on an event close to my heart. Or rather, my feet /goes and puts on more calamine lotion and tries to not itch._

_

* * *

_

"Why do I have to go?" I wouldn't say I was whining, but that's just because I'm too damn good at it. It's more like advanced pleading. "Lord Aizen, I promise that I won't get into trouble if you let me stay." A lie, which both he and I knew. These sorts of white lies are acceptable in many types of relationships. You wouldn't admit to your wife that she looked fat would you? Well…I might, I suppose. I guess it depends on the wife, and how hard she can hit (or what kind of range she has on her throw).

"You are the only one with a previously prepared untraceable gigai," Aizen pointed out.

Damn, I knew I should have had that thing accidentally explode in a fire. I just find gigai too interesting to throw away though; there are all sorts of pranks one can play with them. You could even just hang out with it. It makes most people's creep meter move right past ten if they "catch" you just having dinner with yourself.

"Well then, can I pick who I can go with?" I asked, switching aims. At least if I got someone fun then…

"Yammy," Aizen specified.

"…oh," Well there really was no way of hiding my disappointment. Hm, maybe if Yammy got sick last minute then I could choose…

"You will be leaving in five minutes, everything is already prepared," Aizen continued.

"Of course," I replied. It's boring playing chess against Aizen; fruitless and abjectly disappointing on all levels. Once, I finally won a game against him. I was actually feeling something akin to joy light my face. I glanced up and saw him watching me with a serene smile. It instantly knocked the happiness right out of me. I sighed. "You…planned that?" I asked. He didn't answer, just smiled like the Mona Lisa and I gave up, then or now trying to beat him. At least at games.

* * *

"So, Yammy, it's probably been a while since you've been in the world of the living, huh?" I asked, trying to make small talk. He grunted something. I hit him upside the head. "Whoops, there was a fly, guess I missed," I said with a smile.

"I don't think the flies can see me," Yammy said, looking at the mini wildlife buzzing around him.

"Oh, I must have forgotten, sorry!" I apologized.

"Are we really here to…_interview_…some little maggot human?" Yammy said, practically spitting the word interview. Honestly, I quite agreed with him in his sentiment.

"Er, yes," I said. "I suppose he must know something important though, or why else would Aizen send us?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm being punished," Yammy admitted.

"Oh," I said, my eyes narrowing. I tried to list off the things I had done recently and mark them as "not that bad" "really bad" and "bad enough to send me to the world of the living with Yammy for" but the list got too long and confusing so I gave up.

"Here's the runt now, maybe this will all be done quickly," I said, seeing the little blonde moppet come up the path.

"Hello!" I called out cheerfully.

He looked at me with intense suspicion. He had every reason to, but it still hurt.

"Hi, my name is…" I stopped talking to pay attention to Yammy. "Leave that snake alone," I told him.

"Who are you talking to?" the kid across from me asked.

"My friend," I answered, grossly exaggerating our relationship.

"You have invisible friends that you talk to?" the kid snorted. "Haha! I hope they don't tell you to do violent things or anything."

"Oh well, sometimes," I admitted. "Leave him alone!" I said more firmly to Yammy, who has the attention span of a toddler. The poor snake was very confused as to what was touching it.

"Um…" the kid was backing up now. Great.

"But, isn't he a poisonous snake?" Yammy was staring at the thing in his hand with interest.

"No, he's not. He's just a garter snake. He's not vicious."

"He's trying to bite me!"

"He's trying to get you to let him go," I answered.

The blond kid was practically all eyes when I looked over at him, his eye line locked with that of the floating snake.

"Um, oh hey, it's a flying snake! I've heard of those!" I said, firmly pushing Yammy's hands down so that the snake was on the ground again.

"I really don't think that snakes fly," the kid said. He really wasn't giving me too much to work with.

"Look, I have some questions to ask you. Really, really stupid questions. Questions so lame that I'm not sure why I'm asking them. But I'm also in a really bad mood, so if you don't answer my really stupid, lame questions, something unfortunate might happen to you," I said. I hate jumping straight to the threats, but the less time spent on the ground for this mission the better. I sat down next to a tree. "So are you going to play ball, or are you going to run around little?"

"Your snake friend is floating again," he pointed out.

"Damn it, Yammy!" I said with irritation. I think it was hayfever. It that was humans call it when it's a certain season and all of the flowers makes your nose and eyes itch? What a stupid reaction to the beauty of nature. Regardless, for some reason my gigai had it, and it was causing my patience to plateau very quickly.

I looked over at the kid, who was looked part horrified, part intrigued by the snake. Fine, I thought. "Yammy, go over there and play with the kid a little," I said. I followed that up immediately with. "DON'T TOUCH HIM!" Whew, that could have been bad.

The kid's eyes widened as the snake approached him. Yammy had been sick recently, luckily, because he was never too good at keeping in his spiritual pressure. Even now, with him trying to hold it back, it was bringing the kid to his knees. "What…snake…I don't under…"

"Just answer some questions and I'll get going," I said smugly.

* * *

We had just released the kid. I'm still not sure what Aizen's fascination with him was, there was nothing particularly impressive about him in any way. Although, I suppose just surviving near us was a feat that not all humans could pull off.

"Sir?" the brat called back.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you a ghost?"

"What makes you say that?" I said, laughing.

"I was just wondering if ghosts get poison oak too," the boy asked.

"Erm," I looked down at ground around me. What did he say, poison oak? What was that? It didn't sound pleasant. "Haha, I'm fine," I assured him. As soon as he was gone I called Aizen (doesn't it seem strange to have someone like Aizen on fast dial? It's not like he keeps secretaries or anything though).

"Finished already?" he answered.

"Yes. We can go ahead and go back now, sir," I replied.

"There are a couple more tasks I have for you," Aizen continued.

"Um, oh well then can you tell me what poison oak is and if I can get it in a gigai?"

* * *

"Why do you keep taking pictures?" I complained to Yammy.

"Szayel said that we're supposed to," Yammy said with a shrug. "I don't follow his orders really, but he promised me something if I get enough shots of it."

I blew the hair of my eyes distractedly. Poison oak sounded almost romantic to me, this was not romantic in any way. Red, itchy, swollen, gross…Aizen had ordered me to stay in my gigai, lest my spiritual pressure be noticed and reported by any roving shinigami. I'm fairly sure he did it more to just annoy me than anything else. I mean, Aizen has to at least enjoy how annoying he can be, right? Or else why would he do it at all? No, I know from my own personal experience that it requires a lot of effort, that much pure unconscionable…ITCH! Mmm…I swear that when it comes it feels like burning and brief stabbing pain. Then actually scratching feels fantastic. I could just itch at it all day, which _of course_ you're not supposed to do. Instead I have to pour a vicious pink fluid on it practically ever ten minutes to not peel my own skin off.

"Ew," Yammy said, pointing at my now fully balloon sized feet. "What is that?"

I didn't know, and I didn't care. My gigai could leak all of the disgusting fluid it wanted to because I was about to get this job done and get the hell out of this world.

"Shut up, he's here," I said, my face not quite swollen enough to make me talk oddly (yet).

The tall dark haired male walked up to the park and stopped quickly. "Are you ok?" he asked concerned.

"I'm fine," I lied. I waved him over with a deformed reddened hand.

"You don't look fine."

"You're right, I have the super death plague. It is highly contagious and I control it at whim. My flying snake of doom and I have some questions we are going to ask you. Answer them quickly. Don't worry, you're just going insane anyways," I said, completely giving up on diplomacy.

The man opened his mouth and then closed it, nervously licking his lips. I even opened my bloodshot eyes enough to glare at him.

* * *

I've never actually seen a man so willing to give a stranger any information they wanted. I could have asked him if he'd ever cheated on his spouse and I'm sure he would have answered honestly. He looked like he was looking at death himself. I looked bad, but not that bad.

"You really do look bad," Yammy joined into my thoughts.

"I'm not going to buy you ice cream if you continue to hurt my feelings," I said.

"Mint and chocolate chip this time!"

At least someone was enjoying our visit.

I'm going to go home, and make a very careful list, and then never do whatever in the world it was that I did to deserve this.

However, I did learn that humans don't like flying garter snakes.

* * *

_Orihime: Ouch, that sounds like it was painful!_

_Ulquiorra: I'm surprised Gin didn't know about it. We have it in Hueco Mundo, although we call it "yiedra maligna"._

_Gin (coming in): Evil weed, huh? No kidding. I don't suppose you'll tell me where I could find some. I was just…interested in…looking at it._

_Ulquiorra: Please don't tell me that after all of that you're going to actually inflict it onto someone else._

_Gin: Erm, no. I was just going to burn it. All of it._

_Orihime: You're even vindictive towards grass?_

_Gin: Not grass, "Evil Weed", weren't you listening?_

* * *

_**Sumac **__– poison sumac, various species include poison oak and poison ivy._


	30. Butterflies

**Butterflies**

_A/N: True confession time - I've done this. It worked. (Well, minus Kenpachi's contribution) Anyways, to my friend, I'm sincerely sorry, I didn't really think that all these years later you'd still be scared of them!_

* * *

"I want a phobia!" Yachiru said.

"You want a what? I'm pretty sure that's not something that you catch," I told her.

"Oh no, I read that it's a disease."

"I doubt they meant the kind of things that you get like you get a flu virus," I pointed out.

"I don't know, I think we could probably make someone scared of something," Ikkaku said with a wide grin.

"A phobia isn't just 'scared of', it's a very strong reaction. I knew a friend who almost fell off a cliff to avoid a spider. Phobia's aren't rational," I tried to explain.

"We could do it," Yumichika insisted. "Are you saying that you couldn't?"

"Of course I could."

"Prove it. Make someone scared of something completely harmless," Ikkaku challenged.

"Make it something beautiful, then it would be even harder to make them frightened of it."

"Butterfly!" Yachiru chimed in, seeing one hovering over some flowers.

"Yes, butterflies are ideal for this," Yumichika said.

Great, was I really going to have to do this? This is why I don't drink in the afternoon. Those Squad 11 folks really can get you drunk in no time flat.

"Who?" I asked. I prayed that it wouldn't be Captain Zaraki. There's no way anyone could make him scared of anything, much less a pretty bug.

"The next person that comes by," suggested Yumichika.

The next person that came by was Hanataro Yamada. I was counting my lucky stars.

"No," Ikkaku said.

"Absolutely not," agreed Yumichika.

"I could make him scared of butterflies by just telling him to be scared of butterflies," Captain Zaraki said from behind us. Whoops, when had he gotten there?

I was sad that it wasn't going to be the diminutive Squad 4 member, but hoping that no one would notice that technically Kenpachi was the next person that had come up.

Following closely behind Hanataro was the lieutenant of Squad 4, Isane Kotetsu.

"There's a better choice," Kenpachi said.

"Yes, she seems fairly level headed, it will be hard to make her scared of something, especially going as far as being phobic," Yumichika stated.

Great.

"Yay!" Yachiru cheered. "So what are we going to do?"

"Oh, are you volunteering to help?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes, I wanna see how you do it!" she said.

"Actually, I would be willing to help as well," Yumichika volunteered.

"Yeah, I'm in," Ikkaku agreed.

"Alright then," I said.

* * *

"Hello, Isane," Yumichika said a couple of days later.

"Oh, hello Officer Ayasegawa," she greeted him.

"No reason to be so formal," Yumichika said.

"Can I help you, Yumichika?"

"Oh not really," he said. "I was just thinking about butterflies."

"Uh huh," she said. (In my mind I imagine that she's trying to not roll her eyes).

"Did you know that they really are kind of like little monsters," he said.

"What?" she replied.

"Oh yes. Some are so big that they can be mistaken for bats, they can fly up to 17 miles an hour, have no bones but one thousand muscles, and have ears on their wings."

"I've…never heard that," Isane stated.

"Oh, only the night butterflies have ears on their wings. But they all taste with their feet and have no mouths, only long straw like stabby things that they drink with. Also, did you know some are poisonous?"

"Surely not to someone as big as we are," Isane insisted.

"Oh well, I suppose you can try next time you see one of the furry little bugs and let me know."

"I…ok…," Isane answered awkwardly.

* * *

"I can't believe that you remembered all of those facts," Ikkaku said.

"Unlike _some people_, I have a brain," Yumichika pointed out.

"Hey, now, play nice," I said. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, whatever," Ikkaku swatted at a butterfly.

"Don't! You might hurt it!" Yumichika cried out.

"You just got finished telling Isane how they're terrible little monsters," Ikkaku replied.

"But they're still beautiful!"

"They _are_ pretty!" Yachiru said. "MORE!" she yelled, spraying Ikkaku with nectar again.

"Oaf! Pffff!" Ikkaku gagged as he inhaled some. "My god, warn me next time. That stuff tastes terrible."

"It made from flowers, it should taste good," Yumichika mentioned.

"Yeah well maybe if it didn't go straight into my lungs I'd get a better taste," Ikkaku grumbled.

"Ready?" Yachiru asked.

"Yeah…" Ikkaku got ready.

* * *

"Hey, Isane, I was wondering if you've seen…" Yachiru started, stopping as Ikkaku ran across the field behind her.

"AHHHHHH!" he screamed. "GET THEM OFF ME! THEY'RE GOING FOR MY EYES! HELP! LIUETENANT!"

"Um…," Isane said, watching as Ikkaku sprinted back and forth waving his arms before finally collapsing in a pile.

"It's ok," Yachiru said. "I'll check on him. For some reason butterflies always attack him."

"Attack?"

"Oh yes. They can be pretty mean. They can't really hurt you too much but they can get in your mouth and nose and ears and also some of them are covered in poison!"

"Should I go over there?" Isane asked. "He isn't moving."

"Don't worry, I know what to do!"

* * *

"Shhh!"

"You shhhh! I'm being quiet!"

"You both need to shut up or else she's going to wake up," I pointed out.

"Where's the lieutenant?" Yumichika asked.

"Here," Yachiru said in a loud whisper. "I have the bag."

We gently opened Isane's door and released the bag of butterflies into her room.

* * *

Isane kept having a dream that someone was tickling her. She giggled and asked them to stop but they wouldn't. Finally she yawned and woke up. She froze. She was covered in butterflies. Butterflies on her bed, butterflies on her ceiling, butterflies on her face and touching her lips. She shrieked and jumped out of bed.

(Outside, we stifled our laughter) (Of course we watched, wouldn't you?)

* * *

"Thanks so much for helping us, Kenny!" Yachiru said.

"Yeah, thank you, Kenpachi, this will really make it," I stated.

"I hate you all," he said.

"Oh come on Kenny, you said 'if you shut up and let me sleep then I'll do whatever you want later on'. This is what I want to do," Yachiru said innocently.

"I think we need something else," Yumichika said, looking around the room.

"Yeah, blood," Ikkaku suggested.

"Oh! Good idea!" Yumichika agreed.

"Um, how about I go and grab some red paint?" I murmured, backing out of the range of any immediate attack.

"Why go through the trouble when we have a perfectly good supply of blood right here?" Kenpachi said with a gleam in his eye. Exactly what I didn't want to hear from him.

* * *

"Please, I think Kenny is hurt!" Yachiru said to Isane.

"I'm coming right away!" Isane replied, rushing after the small lieutenant.

"He's in here!" Yachiru pointed.

Isane walked into the room. A room covered with blood, blood and butterflies. Blood and butterflies and Kenpachi covered in blood and butterflies. He wasn't wearing a shirt and was smeared with red, giant fake butterfly wings attached to his back.

"Wha….what the holy…oh my god," Isane started backing out. The door closed behind her, locking her in.

"Butterflies," Kenpachi whispered.

Isane passed out.

She woke up in her own bed, I assume wondering if it had all been a dream. Praying and hoping to god that it was all a dream (or rather, a nightmare). It was time for me to issue my final test. I had to wait a little though, I was feeling a little light headed from blood loss.

* * *

We all sat in the shade, drinking sake and telling tall tales (or maybe the stories that Yumichika and Ikkaku were telling me weren't tall tales, but I certainly hope that they were, otherwise they are two very disturbed individuals).

"Here she comes," Ikkaku said quietly.

"Hi, Isane!" Yachiru said.

"Hello, Yachiru," Isane responded.

"Look what I caught!" Yachiru said holding out her hands.

Isane hesitantly peered into Yachiru's hands. A butterfly flew straight out into her eye. She screamed, falling backward.

"I HATE BUTTERFLIES!" she cried, running away.

"Well, that's a success, right?" I asked.

"Yup, too bad you didn't bet anything on it," Ikkaku said with a grin.

"Wait, what?" I replied. Damn it, this is why I never get drunk in the afternoon. Especially with the Squad 11 guys.

* * *

_Orihime:__ I don't think I could ever be scared of something as beautiful and delicate as butterflies._

_Gin:__ Oh, is that a bet?_

_Ulquiorra:__ No it isn't. Don't you have anything better to do than spy on us all the time?_

_Gin__: Well…not really._


	31. Career Test

**Career Test**

_A/N: I actually took an online Jung Typology Test in the personality of most of the captains. It was pretty fun! I decided to try it with my own answers and was horrified to find out that according to the test I am a mix between Gin and Kenpachi (aka – the scariest thing in the world). It did say I should be a writer, work in education, or archeology, all things I have done/wanted to do in the past so…_

_Oh yeah, these are all their real scores and the real careers and famous people that showed up on their results. I found some of the results to be highly amusing, others to be frighteningly on point._

_

* * *

_

"Now why the hell would we do that?" Kenpachi asked. I usually don't find myself in extreme agreement with the captain of Squad 11 on most matters, but in this case he was definitely voicing my own thoughts.

"I don't see how this is a bonding exercise in any way," Captain Kuchiki intoned.

"Er, yes. Can't we all just pretend like we took the test and then grab some early lunch?" I suggested.

"Shut up, all of you!" Captain Kurotsuchi said angrily. Captain Kuchiki balked at the rude words, his eyes narrowing. "Head Captain Yamamoto couldn't be here today and he told me that I could do whatever I wanted. He said "bonding" and this is bonding. Already you all hate having to do this, so you are all in agreement on one thing which is a rarity indeed."

"Fine, we've all agreed that this is a waste of our time," Captain Hitsugaya chimed in. "Mission accomplished. Can we go now? I have paperwork I need to do."

"No. No one can leave until I say they can," Mayuri insisted.

"Great, now he's on a power trip," I moaned.

"It takes all of five or ten minutes to fill out the forms and then we'll talk about the results," Mayuri said.

"But…I mean, I'm not likely to ever go to the world of the living, do I really need to take it?" Komamura asked (a very valid point).

"The point isn't just to find what careers you would have in the world of the living but to figure out your personality types and leadership skills."

"Well, I think we've all worked together long enough to know what each other's personality is," Aizen said with a soft smile. Yeah right; I forced myself to not roll my eyes.

"Fine, let's get it done," Kaname suggested.

"Should we all hold hands and sing after this or what?" Kenpachi said with a low growl.

"I could if I wanted to so stop complaining or I'll keep you here past dinner!" Mayuri replied.

* * *

"Ok, who wants to volunteer their results first?" Mayuri asked as we finished up writing on the papers he had handed out.

"I got ISTJ; introverted, sensing, thinking, judging. Whatever that means," Soifon offered.

"Actually, I did as well," Byakuya said, looking over Soifon's results, "although we got different numbers in the categories."

"What are some of the famous people listed as your personality types?" Mayuri asked.

"I don't even know who these people are," Soifon complained. "They're all humans. J. Edgar Hoover? Clint Eastwood?"

I snickered.

"What?" She asked.

"John Edgar Hoover started the FBI in the United States…" I answered.

She looked at me blankly.

"It's a government investigation and crime fighting agency," I said simply.

"Oh, ok," she replied.

"Also, he probably murdered people and was a cross-dresser," I continued.

She glared at me.

"Clint Eastwood is a movie star," Shunsui offered.

"It does say that I should be in police/security services or military training, but then it also says I should be an accountant so I'm not sure how accurate it is," Soifon said, looking over her results again.

"And you, Captain Kuchiki?" Mayuri asked.

"Warren Buffet, Lance Armstrong, Donald Rumsfield, and Greta Garbo," he said seriously.

"HAHAHAHHAHAAA!" I laughed heartily.

"Are you hiding a nice set of legs underneath those robes?" Shunsui asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

Byakuya ignored us.

"Are you talking about Lance Armstrong or Greta Garbo?" I asked.

"Oh, I guess it could be both, couldn't it?" Shunsui thought about it.

"Careers?" Mayuri pressed on.

"Sport Coaching, military training, security services, law," Byakuya said.

"What about you, Aizen?" I asked. In truth I was very curious as to how honestly he had answered the questions.

"INTJ: Introvert, intuitive, thinking, judging," Aizen read off. "People of your type are: Isaac Newton, C.G. Jung, Michel Nostradamus, and Michel de Montaigne. Although I don't know who that last person is."

"His philosophy was to examine the world and its morality through the only thing he could trust, his own judgment," I said. "So…nothing at all like you," I lied. "He's actually an author I like reading. He said "obsession is the wellspring of genius and madness" and "life in itself is neither good nor evil, it is the place of good and evil, according to what you make it"."

"Oh well you know I'm not really a fellow for all of that relativism stuff," Aizen said.

"Of course not," I agreed while biting my tongue.

"What the hell?" Kenpachi said as he looked at his results. "Look, I actually know the people on my list but there ain't no way I'm like any of them."

"Who?" I asked curiously.

"Elvis Presley, Frederic Chopin and…," Kenpachi paused. "…and Princess Diana."

I giggled at that. I couldn't help it. Go ahead and think "Kenpachi" and "Princess" at the same time and see what image _you_ get in your mind. Kenpachi didn't seem to appreacite it though and leaned on the hilt of his zanpakuto suggestively.

"And seriously, "Child Day Care Management"? There ain't no way I'd not kill half a dozen kids every day if put into a room full o 'em," Kenpachi said. "There's not a single thing on my list of careers that I would do. Religious Education? Can you imagine me as a priest or a monk?"

"Good god," Captain Ukitake shuddered.

"What about you, Ichimaru?" Shunsui asked.

"Yes, do they have court jester on that list?" Kaname questioned.

"Oh yes, very clever Captain Tosen," I replied shaking my head. "I got ENTP: Extraverted, intuitive, thinking, perceiving. Supposedly I'm like Thomas Edison, Leonardo da Vinci, or James Cameron."

"There are too many geniuses on that list to be like you," Kaname said.

"Oh it get's better, it says I should be an information system specialist or a counseler," I added.

"I would never trust you with my data," Mayuri said, eyeballing me with suspcion.

"Er, I don't really think that counseling would be something you'd be good at," Jushiro offered gently.

"Oh I know. I'd give terrible advice on purpose just to hear the great stories they'd come back with the next week. I'd say something like "oh no, tell your boss exactly how much you hate them and don't hold back. Make sure that you do it in front of everyone and are as insulting as possible!" Just to see the sparks fly," I freely admitted. "Actually, I wonder if it would work? I mean, I am a captain. If I offered free counseling services, do you think any poor saps would show up?"

"Please don't," Shunsui said seriously.

"I already offer those services," Captain Unohana said.

"Well that is true," I pondered. "Perhaps I could just offer sexual counseling, I'm sure that…"

"No," Captain Unohana said quietly but forcefully.

"WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT?" Shunsui said, looking like he'd just been hit with an apple in the head. I'm surprized he didn't shout "Eureka!"

"No," Captain Unohana repeated, her voice not getting louder, in fact getting quieter, but somehow managing to instantly convey a feeling of unease.

"Ha ha, just joking!" Shunsui said with a finger in the air.

* * *

_Orihime: Oh, we should take that test too!_

_Ulquiorra: Fine, if it will keep you quiet for a moment or two._

_Orihime: Ok, I got Elizabeth Taylor and Serena Williams. Most of the careers are fashion based or selling stuff but…I like this one the best! __Nutrition! I could make the best food and teach people how to eat…_

_Ulquiorra: No. Look, there's early childhood education right there. Be a kindergarten teacher, you'd be better at that._

_Orihime: You really think?_

_Ulquiorra: Yes. Please don't make people food for a living._

_Orihime: What did you get?_

_Ulquiorra: I didn't take it._

_Orihime: I saw you do it! What, does it say something bad?_

_Ulquiorra:…_

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Did you guys read the most recent manga? Orihime selling cupcakes! She'd sure sell a lot, I just hope she's not helping make them at all…Wait a minute, so does this mean that the test is pretty accurate then?_


	32. Signs

**Signs**

**

* * *

**

"Do you have the most recent edition of the Seireitei Communication?" Rangiku asked me.

"Well, since you should be able to see it clearly in my hands, the answer is yes," I replied.

"What I meant was can I look at it?"

"Fine by me," I handed it over. She immediately turned to the astrology section.

"Please don't tell me that you believe in that," I stated as I watched her check her sign information.

"It's highly scientific!"

"Oh yes it is. For instance, what does yours say right now?"

"A Virgo will ask you for money. Lend it to them and make back in full your reward both monetarily and in friendship," she read.

"Uh huh. And I'm a Virgo. Asking you for money," I said with my hand out.

"What?"

"Oh come on, I had to pay for Tosen's walls to be repainted again, and this time it wasn't even my fault!"

"Gin…" she looked back at the article. "Wait a minute! How can you say it's not true when what it said just happened!"

"Because I wrote it and I knew that I'd be hitting you up for money later on," I told her.

"What?" she looked at the byline. "It says it's written by Madame Bovary."

"Which is a joke because she's a literary character from a depressing French novel," I explained.

"That's…but the articles are so detailed!"

"Of course they are. There might be some truth in it, but ever since I read what I was supposed to be as a Virgo I decided the whole thing was bunk – and then I volunteered to write the weekly column for astrology for the Seireitei Communication just because," I said.

"Virgo?"

"Kind hearted, creative, sensitive, shy, and delicate…any of those sound like me?"

"Well, maybe…"

"Not even slightly," I argued. "Your captain was born under a fire sign. Odd isn't it? He's a Sagittarius, supposedly fun-loving, optimistic, happy…"

"Yes but they're also supposed to lack tact, and he definitely doesn't have that. Plus he's really independent!"

"Ok, here's another test. Just for fun I did romantic connections between all of the captains and lieutenants according to my astrological chart," I continued.

"Wait, maybe your chart is wrong!"

"I bought it for about the price of a glass of sake so it's quite possible. Regardless, do you know who you're best match is with as a Libra?" I asked her.

"Who?" she asked me. If you can believe it, she was actually breathless in anticipation. I almost said "Old Man Yamamoto!" just to make her pass out but decided against it.

"Gemini…which would be Captain Aizen," I said.

"Sosuke?" she asked.

"Or Momo, since they're the same sign. Consider that. Momo and Aizen on the same sign."

"It's not that hard to believe, they're both fairly nice, decent people, and everyone really likes…"

I tuned out the rest of what she was saying and mentally kicked myself for bringing it up. What was I going to say, "oh yes, but he's actually a murdering bastard who I long to kill every moment of every day"?

"Ok, here's another choice. Someone that you'd make a great sexual match with, according to your sign," I said.

Once again, she leaned in, eager to hear.

"Kira," I said.

"Kira?" she pouted.

"Yup. So, do you still believe in it?"

"I don't know, I suppose I could always try Kira and see…"

"NO!" I practically yelled at her. "I mean…er…I was planning on inviting you out for some dinner tonight, since I've been so mean to you with all of these fake horoscopes."

"I thought you wanted to borrow money from me? How are you going to pay?" she asked pointedly.

Well here was the point where I had to admit that I didn't really need money from her I was just testing to see if she'd follow her horoscope, but I'd already really tested her patience.

"Um…I'll borrow some from Kira?" I asked.

"From your own lieutenant?" she asked.

"Oh, I know, there's a really nice place we can go where the man who runs the place owes me a favor," I remembered.

"What did you do?"

"I wrote his wife a really nice horoscope telling her to forgive any Aries in her life for any infidelities."

"You did not!"

"Er…of course I didn't, that would be wrong! I helped his old grandmother carry her groceries down the street and she promised me that her grandson would give me a free meal," I said, making up the lie on the spot.

"Oh, well that's ok then. So, should I dress up?"

"Yes, wear sky blue or rosy pink, those are Libra's lucky colors," I joked.

"I know, that's why I always wear pink!" she said proudly.

I groaned.

* * *

_Orihime: Oh, you're a Sagittarius just like Captain Hitsugaya is. Doesn't that make sense?_

_Ulquiorra: And you're a Virgo just like Ichimaru is which doesn't make any sense. So we're zeroed out._

_Orihime: Oh come on, let's read about your love match!_

_Ulquiorra: I refuse._

_Orihime: Oh hey look, I'm the sign that's best to help you further your career!_

_Ulquiorra: If you mean by keeping you prisoner, then I agree._

_Orihime: Oh, that's just kind of depressing now._


	33. Espada Christmas

**Espada Christmas**

_**A/N:**__ I know lots of people want to know the personality profiles of the rest of captains, and maybe the espada as well, but it's Christmastime! (I'll revisit the personality stuff, I swear!)_

_

* * *

_

"I know it's not really, well, their thing, but I've always loved Christmas," I explained to Aizen. Luckily he agreed. Or at least didn't care enough to let me go ahead and plan a Christmas party. It's not like hollows celebrate any holidays, much less ones like Christmas, so I had some education planned for them.

But first…mistletoe with Hallibel! It's not like I'm really all that in to her, but I know it would piss her off to no end if I managed to trick her into kissing me. As I got the freshly bought decorations out I put up some mistletoe in the doorway of the main hall first.

"What's that?" Grimmjow asked, standing by my ladder, directly under the mistletoe.

"Er…" Well this was a little awkward. Kissing Grimmjow would cause one of us to kill the other, assuming we didn't do ourselves in seppuku style first. Besides, I think he had a thing for brighter colored hair, if you know what I mean. So…I punched him in the face.

"Ow…what the holy fu…" Grimmjow yelled at me. I cut him off. I mean, Lilynette isn't really a child but still, she was standing right there looking all of grade school age.

"When two people stand under the mistletoe, which is that plant there," I pointed at it, "then one gets to hit the other in the face!"

"Nice," Grimmjow said, his nose stopping bleeding. "Oi! Ulquiorra!" he yelled down the hall. "Come and stand over here!"

* * *

"I don't understand," Ulquiorra was saying to me. "Are we celebrating death? Is that why we have a tree corpse here?"

"It's not a…I can't believe you called it that," I said, groaning. "It's like cut flowers, it's not a corpse. We're celebrating winter and…well, I guess you hollows wouldn't be celebrating anything else, so yeah, we're celebrating winter," I tried to explain.

"Tesla and I made ornaments like you asked," Nnoitra said, holding out a box.

"Oh, very nice…er…what exactly are those?" I asked.

"We found some bleached bones and then we painted them red because you said red was a good color for this festival," Nnoitra explained.

"Um, they're sticky," I said, quickly dropping one I was holding.

"Oh, I guess the blood…er…paint…hasn't dried yet. Ya might want to wait awhile on that," he told me with a wide grin.

I think I'll wait a very long while. I thought about it and something struck me. "Where is Tesla, anyways?" I asked.

"Uh…he's still kind of dizzy," Nnoitra said with a laugh. Great, at least now I know where he got the blood.

"Oh, Hallibel!" I said, seeing her under the mistletoe and rushing over. I smiled at her. She punched me in the face.

"I like this tradition," she said with a smile.

"Yes, dear," I said, clutching my nose.

* * *

"So Santa is who? And why is he secret? Is he like, an assassin or something?" Grimmjow was asking.

"Er, no. The game is called "Secret Santa", Santa himself is a fat jolly old man in red velvet and fur…for some reason…I never got that part," I told him.

"Presents!" Lilynette exclaimed.

"Yes, the important part of this is presents," I agreed, sitting everyone down in a circle.

"I got you this," Nnoitra tossed Grimmjow a package.

"Secret!" I said, putting my hands to my temple and rubbing at my newly forming tension headache. "You're not supposed to say who got who what."

Grimmjow was opening the package happily. "What are these?"

"Well, they kind of look like the Christmas stars on the tree, so I thought they were seasonal," Nnoitra grabbed one of the objects and threw it at Aaroniero, who ducked with annoyance. "They're called shiruken, some people call them throwing stars."

"Yes, weapons, the gift of love," I said with a sigh.

Baraggan got Lilynette some clothes because "young women should wear less revealing clothing", Ulquiorra got Zommari a book called "Siddartha", and Szayel gave Starrk pills.

"They're methamphetamines," Szayel said.

"Er…thanks?" Starrk replied with a yawn. "I think these are dangerous to take."

"Noooo, they're fine. Plus I mixed those with some psychotropics so it should set you up for all day," Szayel insisted.

"I…don't think I'm really ok with taking these," Starrk answered, setting them aside.

"I'll try!" Lilynette offered.

"NO!" Both Starrk and Szayel yelled.

I hadn't seen Aizen since I gave him my gift to him, a book called "It's Not My Fault I Know Everything". Tosen got some pink heart sunglasses from Lilynette, which he put on and wore at the party. I sincerely hope that he chooses to wear them frequently, because I can no longer take him seriously.

* * *

"This is the best part of any holiday," Grimmjow said, sipping on some spiked eggnog. Extra spiked after he added some more rum, which he had never had and was taking a liking too.

"Yeah, getting drunk while watching lights blink," Nnoitra agreed, watching the tree, which he had "accidentally" set on fire twice that evening.

"That's not really the point of this holiday," I insisted.

"Well, I like all the face punching too. And the throwing stars," Grimmjow admitted.

"I liked that someone got me lingerie," Nnoitra said, pointing to his lacey red bra that someone had given him as a gag gift (one can only hope). He had put it on (over the outside of his clothes) immediately and had refused to take it off, unless of course Hallibel wanted to model it for him. She punched him when he mentioned it to her. They weren't even under any mistletoe.

* * *

_Orihime: I love Christmastime! I even have special Christmas ear muffs that look like reindeer horns when you wear them. Plus I make special Christmas cookies with real plum pudding and holiday turkey in them!_

_Ulquiorra: I'm not sure how, but your Christmas cookies made me see everything in green for two whole days._

_Orihime: Green? It was supposed to be red. Are you color blind?_

_Ulquiorra: Just sick to my stomach. _


	34. New Year's Resolutions

**New Year's Resolutions**

**

* * *

**

"Before we start, I'd like to know everyone's New Year's resolutions," I said to the table of espada, sipping at their tea.

"Our what?" Nnoitra asked.

"In the world of the living, and sometimes in the Soul Society too, at the new year we pause and reflect on our life, and make a promise to ourselves about the new year. It's something we want, or something we want to change, something to strive for," I explained.

"I want to get more beauty sleep," Starrk said with a yawn.

"Oh, well sleeping beauty over there doesn't need to make a promise to himself to do that," Grimmjow said with a laugh.

"Barragan?" I asked, deciding to go in order of ranks, since Starrk had spoken up first.

"I want to convince my fraccion to look less ridiculous," Barragan said.

Several espada nodded their heads, me included.

"Charlotte Cuuhlhourne has really stepped it up a notch the others need to follow," he continued. My mouth dropped. He WANTS his fraccion to look like Charlotte? Er…well to each his own, right?

Nnoitra was laughing into the back of his hand.

"I need to stop going to the tanning salon. I just learned its bad for your skin," Harribel said. She tans? I mean, she is tan and has such light hair but I always assumed...Wait, who here runs a tanning salon? Does she go to Szayel?

"I need to learn what "emo" is and figure out why people, mostly Nnoitra, keep calling me it," Ulquiorra said.

"Try google my friend," I told him. "Better yet, google image."

"Try what?" Ulquiorra asked me.

"Ask Szayel," I said.

Nnoitra went next. "Kill. Learn how to kill better. Kill again," he said with a wide grin.

"I think I'm gonna make it a point to not lose anymore limbs," Grimmjow said. "Also, I want to meet Ichigo Kurosaki again."

"Oh, didn't get his number last time?" I asked innocently.

"What? NO, TO FIGHT!" Grimmjow yelled at me. I waved him off.

"I want to finish the book "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"," Zommari told me. "I've been expanding my reading selection." I nodded. I have no idea what book he's talking about.

Szayel told us that he wanted to, "Discover at least two new elements, poison at least one dozen people a month, and develop new robot spiders." I shuddered. No thank you, robot spiders are not something we need running around the place. I hate the hollow spider we have already. They make the worst cracking noise when you squish them.

"I want to find a mouthwash that actuals removes the taste of formaldehyde from my mouth…s….," Aaroniero said. Yes, I think that would be good. Maybe it would put him…er…her…them?...in a better mood.

Yammy was last. "I'm gonna learn how to apply blush better. It says "on the ridge of your checkbones" by my coloring never looks right."

"Call it battle makeup at least," Noitra said, burying his face in his hands.

"What, same difference, right?" Yammy said, confused.

"Yeah, same difference. Add lip gloss next time, it's fierce," Grimmjow said with a smile.

Nnoitra choked a little on his laugh.

Kaname decided he wanted to share his goals for the years. "For great justice…"

"Uh huh," I interrupted.

He started again, using a different tactic. "Justice and power must be brought together, so that whatever is just may be powerful, and whatever is powerful may be just."

"Look, you can't just quote…"

"Justice denied anywhere diminished justice everywhere," Kaname continued.

"How many of those…" I said.

"Peace is not the absence of war by the presence of justice."

"I GET THE PICTURE," I said firmly, holding down my hands to not press them over his mouth. Although, that would be funny, right?

Aizen chimed in. "I have everything I want," he said knowingly.

Really? Is he sure about that?

As for me. "I want nothing really," I said. "Unless it's just to be as annoying as possible. And by annoying I mean clever, and by clever I mean witty, and by witty I also mean handsome. Also, to be ruler of the universe. Wait, not that last one, I'm not a copycat," I said, eyeballing Aizen's smug face.

* * *

_Orihime: Oh you aren't really that emo. I mean, I think you honestly don't have emotions, right?_

_Ulquiorra: ..._

_Orihime: See, you're on fire right now and you're not even saying anything._

_Ulquiorra: You could help._

**A/N: **Being sick does funny things to my head, so you get this wacked out Gin's Notebook as my gift. This edition brought to you by Totoromo and Nyquil, together at last.


	35. Lieutenant Appreciation Day

**Lieutenant Appreciation Day**

**

* * *

**

In the beginning of January we always have Lieutenant Appreciation Day at the Seireitei. It seems an odd time to me, like they should have it further away from Christmas, but they never consult me about such things. All of the captains do a little something different. Some buy gifts, others take their lieutenant out for dinner or lunch, others…have different ideas. Now, technically I give Kira gifts, but why makes them something he really wants when instead I can have fun? I like the day to be an experience. He knows this, and dreads the day whenever it approaches.

Today is Lieutenant's Appreciation Day. I've decided to do something a little different this year, and I'm pretty sure it's going to knock his socks off.

When Kira first got into the office, he walked cautiously, checking all corners before making it to his desk and gently sitting into his seat. He opened his drawer to pull out his pen very slowly, probably because one year I stuff an inflatable clown in there. During that year, as soon as he opened the drawer the clown started inflating rapidly, practically knocking him back. Once it was fully inflated he could see the true majestic form I had picked for him. It was truly the creepiest clown I've ever seen, and I find clowns moderately creepy just on their own. It was massive and towered over him all day. At the end of day, surely when he expected to escape it, I casually asked him "you're taking it home, right?" He gulped and nodded, wrapping his arms around the hideous beastly clown and lugging it home, where I'm sure he promptly offed it with his zanpakuto and buried it in the garden, hopefully under a cross so that it didn't resurrect.

Nothing happened with the drawer this year.

I saw him eyeballing the ceiling. I imagine he's remembering the time when he accidentally mentioned to me that he was sad that we hadn't had a white Christmas. For that appreciation day I had wired the ceiling to shoot foam out all day. White foam = snow. Get it? Of course it was a lot of foam, a whole lot of foam. Like maybe 6 feet of foam (the wall of foam was taller than him at least). Also, I made him clean it up. That part was probably mean, but the look on his face when I handed him the mop was worth it.

I didn't do anything to the ceiling this year.

He eyeballed his drink, ill at ease. He sniffed at it and then put it down. That was probably because of the time I accidentally poisoned his tea. I really do mean accidentally, but I've never managed to convince him it wasn't on purpose. I had bought him a collection of exotic teas, had picked one at random, and made it for him to be ready and waiting when he got in, as a nice surprise. Turns out he was allergic to it. That wasn't my fault, the poor dear it allergic to half the things in my cupboard and I don't keep well enough track of it all. After he went to anaphylactic shock and I rushed him to squad four, I just knew he was going to think I did it on purpose. Please, if I was going to poison him…again…it would be something fun. He knows that. I want something that makes him rave like a lunatic, not cause his throat to close up.

I hadn't done anything to his tea this year (or last time either!)

I noticed that he kept watching the door like a hawk. He was jumping at every footstep that went past. He was most likely recalling when I sent him a dancer. You know, the type that looks like a normal shinigami and then they start taking their clothing off and dancing around? I thought it would be amusing, but I wasn't prepared for the expression on Kira's face. I thought he was going anaphylactic again. I did get a lovely picture of him with the dancer lounging on him mostly naked (the dancer, not Kira, although I would have taken a picture either way), his face absolutely mortified. I keep it on my desk, where he has to see it whenever he puts papers on my desk.

But I hadn't ordered anyone to show up on the door this year.

I waited until after lunch, and then I waited until right before he was off of work, before I gave him my present. He was jumpy by the point, nervously looking at every shadow that approached him with suspicion. He looked up and watched my approach like he was watching his doom come for him. I had a large box in my hand and a wide grin on my face. He paled.

"I have something for you, Izuru," I said to him. "Happy Lieutenant's Appreciation Day!"

"You…don't really have to…I'm feeling sick I think I'm going to go home now…we can…wait…" he blurted out various excuses. I ignored them all, like he knew I would.

I put the box on his desk. "Open it," I told him. "But, carefully."

He swallowed and then nodded, steeling himself to open the box. His hands trembled as he flipped open the lid.

He blinked in surprise.

"What…" he said.

"It's a bunny!" I said happily, pulling the little guy out. He was pure white and fluffy, with long floppy ears. "Isn't he adorable?"

"A…bunny?" Kira asked.

"Well, I asked around and found out that you wanted a pet but didn't want to ask me for permission to have it in your quarters. I thought a bunny would be good because sometimes you remind me of a very sad rabbit," I explained.

"Oh," he said. He looked at the bunny, his expression softening. I handed him over to Kira.

"See, he likes you," I said. I had purposely gotten a very laid back seeming bunny. While the others in his pen had been hoping away he had been sleeping in the corner. I figured someone as jumpy as Kira would want a mellow pet. "I have a pen for him too, but he's housetrained."

"I…," Kira actually sounded choked up. "Thank you," he got out.

"You can leave a little early today," I told him, erasing any doubts he might have of me still pulling something on him before he left.

It was fun enough to just watch him freak out all day, and I didn't even need to do anything. Besides, that kid needs something to cuddle now and then.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: That was…surprisingly nice of him._

_Orihime: Can I have a bunny, please?_

_Ulquiorra: I can perhaps get you one of Szayel's lab rats._

_Orihime: Er, no thanks. I already tried that and my mouse got away. I see him at night sometimes because he glows in the dark._

_Ulquiorra: Szayel gave you a mouse? Perhaps we should take you to the healers and have you inspected. You don't glow in the dark now too, do you?_

_Orihime: Only sometimes._

_

* * *

_

_A/N: They've really made glow in the dark rats and mice in a lab experiment. Who knows why? Maybe Szayel was behind the wheel._


	36. Valentine's Day Cards

**Valentine's Day Cards**

_A/N: It's possible I'll do another Valentine's Day Gin's notebook based off another time. Gin likes to vary his pranks from year to year to keep everyone on their toes._

_

* * *

_

It was such a small thing, really, but it's all about the details. I mean, anyone can just hand out cards. It's forging the handwriting and writing style that makes it more believable. The real trick was making sure that either me or my cameras would be able to get the reaction of everyone, otherwise what's the point? Valentine's Day hadn't even been around in the Soul Society until very recently, but once it got here, everyone got into it. I personally dislike the holiday (I find it depressing), however I can always distract myself!

My first choice was no sweat. Rukia is of course an easy target for me. The poor girl jumps out of her skin if I get near to her but she has all of that Kuchiki training that makes her put on a fake polite smile and pretend that I don't creep her out. I went back and forth on whether to hand her the card in person and watch her fight with herself, or just leave it on her desk and watch her react to it when she thought no one was looking. I opted for doing it in person.

"What's this?" she asked me as I handed her the card.

"It's Valentine's Day today," I reminded her.

"...oh," she said, looking at the card blankly.

"You should probably open it."

I had opted for the great combination of cuteness plus absolute creepiness. It was an adorable cartoon bunny asleep in bed with a little heart over it. Inside it said, "I dream about you."

"...that's...uh..." Rukia stuttered. "That's sweet but I'm actually dating someone," she lied. She's not very good at lying.

"Oh, who?" I pressed, just to see who she'd come up with.

"...um...you don't know him...he's a noble."

"I'm sure that your brother is very happy," I said with a grin. Her eyes went wide as she realized I was definitely going to bring it up in my next chat with him.

"Actually we broke up! But I'm heartbroken about it and I'm not ready for anything else!"

"Sorry to hear that," I said, and gave her a comforting hug. She stiffened in my arms like I was going to stab her.

I could still see her staring at the card and shuddering as I walked away.

* * *

Now you might think these are random...because they more or less are. Well, not completely random. I matched them according to what I thought would create maximum impact.

* * *

"Captain!"

I was amazed. Was my little Izuru actually yelling at me?

"Captain you...you!"

"I what?"

"You gave Captain Kurotsuchi a card saying that I liked him!" he finally got out.

"Why would I do that?" I asked innocently.

"Because you want him to turn me into a bug!"

"I doubt he can do that." I considered. "Well, I suppose he might actually..."

"Oh, there you are," Mayuri said, coming through the door. "I just need a couple more samples."

"Bug!" Kira yelled at me as he put the desk between him and the head of research and development.

"Samples for what?" I asked my fellow captain.

"Well I'm quite sure he's insane and I'd really like to see how it happened," Mayuri stated.

"Yes! I went insane! Whoops!" Kira said with a laugh. "All better now, you should go!" Mayuri didn't budge. Kira looked at me with those cute eyes and I sighed.

"I probably just accidentally dosed him with something this morning. You know how it is, you slip the wrong thing into someone's coffee," I offered by way of explanation.

"It does happen," Mayuri said. "Hm...well I'll study the samples I already have and let you know what I think."

"Thank you, Captain," Kira said with relief after the Captain of the 12th had left.

"Oh well you see, I dislike bugs," I told him. I decided to go off and monitor my other daily pet projects from my office.

* * *

"Rangiku, I'm going to...not be here for awhile," Captain Hitsugaya said to his lieutenant.

"You're taking a day off? Ooooh, it's Valentine's Day. Do you have a little girlfriend?" Rangiku squealed.

"No," Toshiro said firmly, clutching at the card I had sent him. I wondered what had freaked him out the most, the slight drops of blood on the card, or the "Love, Kenpachi Zaraki" that I had signed at the bottom. "Just...tell everyone I'm sick. With something contagious...that makes you weak and not able to fight...and that anyone who gets too close will die a very slow lingering death laying in bed."

"What?" Rangiku asked.

* * *

"You bastard!"

"I'm going to die!" Hanataro yelled. He was making a dash towards Squad 4. Maybe he was hoping that his captain would shield him. I already knew that he wasn't going to make it. Soifon was way too fast for him.

* * *

"Yay!" Yachiru cheered, jumping in Renji's arms.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kenpachi asked her.

"Renji loves me!" she said. "We're gonna get married and have babies and eat candy every day!"

Renji's eyes went wide.

"What's that?" Kenpachi said, his voice getting low and even, his eyes getting that dangerous glossy sheen.

I wondered what Renji would choose, having to face off against a very protective Kenpachi or a scorned Yachiru. He opted to throw her at Kenpachi and make a bolt for it.

"Wee! A chase!" Yachiru said happily, following Kenpachi as he ran after him.

* * *

"Why are you touching me?" Byakuya asked, annoyed.

"Oh, you just had a hair out of place," Yumichika lied.

"Why are you sitting on my desk?"

"Why do you keep asking silly questions?" Yumichika asked, lightly pulling on Byakuya's scarf.

"Are you...flirting with me?" Byakuya scowled. I was faintly surprised that Yumichika wasn't full of cherry blossoms yet.

"I really liked your card," Yumichika said with a smile.

"My..."

I really would have liked to see what would have happened next between them, but Renji jumped in through the window, followed closely by Kenpachi. The camera went out. I sighed with annoyance. Although, at least I could still feel what was happening...it was kind of hard to miss. I think Squad 6 will need a new office building.

* * *

I was shocked when I ran into them. I hadn't been watching closely because of all of the explosions and bankais, etc. emanating from the general location of Squad 6.

Shuuhei blushed, but Nemu refused to let go of his hand.

I raised an eyebrow. "You know, it seems little dangerous to date someone like her," I suggested.

"Master Kurotsuchi said it was ok to do my own outside experiments," Nemu answered.

"See, she just called you an experiment. What are you going to do when she ties you up and starts injecting you with stuff?" I asked.

"Um...she already did that," Shuuhei said, his face getting redder.

"Oh...well I guess...each to his own," I shrugged. I mean, everyone has their own kinks I suppose.

* * *

_Orihime: Let's make Valentine's Day cards for all of the espada!_

_Ulquiorra: If want to occupy yourself I will get you materials._

_Orihime: Thanks so much!_

_Ulquiorra: Did you just draw Grimmjow as a kitten and write "You're purrfect?"_

_Orihime: Is there something wrong with that?_

_Ulquiorra: No, I will deliver it immediately._

_Orihime: You smiled! I'm so happy you finally smiled!_

_Ulquiorra: I smirked. It's different._


	37. Valentine's Day in Las Noches

**Valentine's Day in Las Noches**

_A/N: Some people asked why Gin doesn't like Valentine's Day. I actually made up a valid reason in my head for why he doesn't, but the honest truth is that I personally don't celebrate it (unless forced to). Every single member of my family was born in February, so there's a lot of birthdays going on anyways, so I never got sentimental about it. Oh, and I HATE red and pink together. And I'm not a fan of roses, if I give flowers it's slightly more exotic things like tiger lilies or orchids or tulips or something (someone gave me a cactus for Christmas once, that's going too far). And I dislike conversation hearts. I guess I'm saying I'm whatever the Valentine's Day version of a Grinch is. That being said, I have done more than one of the things below to someone on Valentine's Day._

* * *

I knew for a fact that the Espada had no idea what Valentine's Day was, or how it was celebrated, so I decided to enlighten them. During our most recent meeting I had mentioned it was coming up and have briefly described the day to them. On Valentine's Day itself I made my rounds.

* * *

"Good morning, Starrk," I greeted the man, pushing his shoulder gently to wake him up. He was actually sleeping standing up at the time, which is fairly impressive, but I've fairly sure the man could sleep upside down.

"What?" Starrk opened an eye. I guess I hadn't been annoying enough to warrant a full two eyes yet.

"I have a present for you," I said cheerfully, holding out vial of something with a ribbon tied around it.

"What is it?" Starrk asked.

"Perfume!" I told him.

Both eyes were now open. "Isn't perfume for women and cologne for men?" he asked.

Lilynette had been nearby, she opened the top of the vial and smelled it. "Oh, it smells yummy!" she said. She promptly jumped onto Starrk's shoulder and dumped the entire thing onto his head.

I've always admired his reactions. He merely blinked several times and tipped his head back so that it wouldn't drip into his eyes.

"Wow, that's really strong," I remarked.

"What is this smell again?" Starrk asked.

"Cherry Vanilla."

He closed his eyes. "I suppose it could be worse."

"Then smelling like a prepubescent girl's chapstick? I suppose," I replied.

* * *

"What the hell are you giving me flowers for?" Nnoitra asked me.

"Red roses are traditional for Valentine's Day. They're very romantic," I told him.

"Why would I want something romantic? Especially from you?"

"Oh just take them," I shoved them at him.

"Ow, what the...you booby trapped them!" Nnoitra yelled at me, dropping the bouquet to the ground. He looked at his pricked finger.

"Master Nnoitra, are you alright?" Tesla ran in.

"Don't worry, he just got hurt by some flowers," I said.

"Did not!" Nnoitra replied.

"Maybe you should take the flowers and leave Tesla, before they attack him again," I smiled.

"Damn it, I was just surprised, those stupid little things didn't hurt me! You think something like those things could hurt me!" Nnoitra argued.

* * *

Hallibel opened the box. "And exactly what is this?" she asked, her voice low.

"Pajamas," I told her.

"Don't play innocent. This is lingerie!" she said.

"Well if you don't want to wear it for me maybe you could get one of your fraccion to wear it for you or..." she punched me in the stomach and pushed me out the door. Although, the lingerie was still inside so I'm just going to assume that she totally loved my gift and was trying it on.

* * *

"They have sayings on them?" Ulquiorra said.

"Yes. See, this one says 'will u b mine'," I pointed at one.

"Do the manufacturers of this candy not know how to correctly spell?" Ulquiorra asked.

"It's supposed to be cute."

Ulquiorra hesitantly ate one. "You do know that these taste like chalk, correct?"

"How would I know that? I've never eaten chalk before," I grinned.

* * *

"These are undergarments?" Barragan asked me.

"They're boxers, with hearts!" I explained.

"My heart is not in my pants," Barragan said.

I choked a little, barely managing to not laugh.

"Why are you giving me this again?" he asked.

"Valentine's Day is when you give your lovers and secret crushes gifts!"

"I...see...," Barragan said slowly. "I think I'm off to go touch things and make them rot and die. I don't suppose you're interested?"

It sounded vaguely like a threat. "Er, no thanks."

* * *

"Hi Zommari!" I greeted the man.

He eyed me suspiciously.

"I know you're into a lot of meditation and zen and stuff like that so I got you a religious book from the world of the living," I said.

"Oh really?" he actually looked a little interested.

"Yes, it's called the Kama Sutra. It even has lots of drawings in it," I explained.

"Thank you," Zommari said, taking the book. I decided to leave before he actually sees what the drawing are of. Who knows though, maybe he'll see something he likes. I'm a modern day cupid, spreading love and acts of love wherever I go.

* * *

"It opens," I explained, popping up the locket with a finger nail.

"You gave me a heart shaped golden locket?" Szayel asked me.

"See, I already put a picture of Ilfort inside," I pointed out.

"You gave me a heart shaped golden locket with a picture of my brother..." Szayel said with a frown. "Any reason for that?"

"No reason, why?"

"How did you even get a picture of him sleeping?" Szayel wondered.

* * *

Aaroniero opened the card and instantly dropped it as it started singing. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..."

"It is possessed," Aaroniero said.

"No it just..."

Aaroniero used a cero to destroy it. I sighed.

* * *

"Isn't it cute?" I asked.

"I'm not sure what 'it' is," Yammy admitted.

"It's a teddy bear. He's holding a heart."

"What am I supposed to do with it?"

"You cuddle with it when you sleep," I told him.

He frowned at me. "You got this for me why?"

"Because you're such a cute cuddly bear yourself!" I offered.

I was laughing as he chased me down the hall. He might be powerful sometimes, but mostly he really sucks aiming his ceros.

* * *

"A heart shaped box...uh...yeah, I really needed that," Grimmjow rolled his eyes.

"It has chocolate inside," I said, pulling off the top.

"I've never had chocolate."

"Oh you really should! You know, it's an aphrodisiac," I mentioned.

"A what?"

"It...awakes the senses...in a er...romantic way."

"There's food that can make you horny?" Grimmjow asked.

"Or I suppose you could put it that way."

"Hm...I wonder who I should give it. It's be pretty funny to watch...wait a minute, you gave me food that's supposed to turn me on?"

"Well...yes?"

"Are you trying to get into my pants?" Grimmjow asked bluntly.

"It's just candy."

"Candy that makes you want some! You're after me!"

I sighed. I was doing a lot of running today.

* * *

"I have to admit, I feel a little left out," Aizen said to me at the Espada meeting.

"What?"

"You didn't get me a Valentine's Day present," he went on.

Oh great. "Um...you know, I forgot Kaname's too! Here you go Kaname," I tossed something at the man and he caught it (which always amuses me, I used to throw things at the blind man all the time just to see him catch them). "It's love potion!"

He shook it. "It's pills, not a potion."

"It'll still work," I told him. "Just go to a doctor if...things...last long than 5 hours."

"What are you talking about?" Kaname asked me.

"Viagra is not love potion," Szayel said. "And why do you have that any...hey, you stole things from my lab when you were visiting, didn't you?"

"Only what fit in my pockets," I answered.

"I want a serenade," Aizen said.

I looked at him in shock.

"Um...I don't really do public singing," I responded.

"Sing 'Wind Beneath My Wings'," Aizen told me.

"I...don't know that words to that song," I lied. There is no way I'm singing a love song to Aizen, especially with all of the Espada watching.

"Candle on the Water," Aizen suggested.

"Er, no sorry."

"The Rose?" Aizen asked.

"I'm really not up to date with a lot of songs," I said.

"I know a song that Ichimaru knows," Ulquiorra chimed in.

"What song is that?" Aizen asked.

"I heard him singing it in the hallway. Something about 'my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard'," Ulquiorra replied.

My jaw dropped. No, this wasn't happening.

"Go ahead and sing that song, Gin," Aizen told me.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: I'm not sure why he was so upset about having to sing that song. _

_Orihime: I can't believe you don't like candy hearts, they're great!_

_Ulquiorra: Oh, Grimmjow gave me a card to give to you._

_Orihime: It says, "Blood is red/Bruises are blue/I have a zanpakuto/and I will kill you." I'm pretty sure that's not how it goes._


	38. Advice Column

**Advice Column**

_A/N: You can donate $10 to relief efforts in Japan by texting REDCROSS to 90999 (it will be added to your bill at the end of the month)._

_

* * *

_

So this is the story of the one and only time that I was allowed to write my own column for the Seireitei Communication. When I approached Kaname about it he was initially wary, as he was wont to be with anything I suggested, but I convinced him it would be good print. When I told him it was an advice column, he wondered out loud who would be crazy enough to ask advice from me. I told him that people confide in me all the time, although he didn't seem to believe me. Honestly, by "confide" I mean, "I overheard", and by "I overheard" I meant "I spied". Still, I keep a lot of people's secrets, which was the general gist of what I was convincing our dear blind captain of. So he ran an ad in the paper asking people to send in their questions to my office.

I wasn't really surprised that there was hardly any response. I actually didn't need any, I had already made the questions myself, and I fully intended to be present when the implicated people read my column.

I had a lot of ideas but I narrowed it down to four made up questions.

_I have a problem. My captain loves to party and is almost always drunk, and it's my responsibility to make him behave (especially in how he treats the woman of our squad). Honestly though, I find it really boring. In truth, I go out partying every weekend. I don't even remember what I do most times, and most of the time I'm scolding him about his hangover I'm nursing my own. - Tired of Being Uptight_

_There is a problem in my office. Although I am a noble and must act in a certain manner, especially to my immediate subordinates, I've found myself increasingly attracted to one of them. As a captain I know that I should leave him alone, but his wildness and coarse nature excite me in ways I'm not accustomed to. Even his bright hair and tattoos speak of his low class nature, but I can barely control myself around him. Should I ignore regulations and indulge my fantasies? - Wishing for Relief_

_I lead a group of very tough guys. Hell, the girls that are with us practically are guys. We're the strongest and best squad in the Seireitei. Blood, gore, death and destruction, nothing phases them. But I have a secret that I think would blow their socks off. I like to wear women's clothing. Not just anything clothing, but the frilliest and laciest things I can find, high heals, makeup, I go all out. It's hard to find stuff in my size since I'm so tall, but I actually go out of my way to have stuff special made. Should I keep my secret or finally let everyone know that I might be a bloodthirsty bastard during the day, but I'm wearing lipstick and pantyhose at night? - Crossdresser_

_Most people very me as having a very icy personality, cold and distant. I'm pretty sure that my lieutenant thinks that I'm sexless since I never respond to her ridiculous come-ons and large breasts. The truth is that I'm really into cats. Not like the animals, but people dressed as cats. Male or female, I like nekos. I'm not really sure if I should just admit to myself that I can only be attracted to people dressed up or if I should try to be more normal. - Cat Lover _

I handed the questions (and my answers) to Kaname with a straight face (not that he could tell if I was smirking...but...you really can never tell with him). It was printed and published the next week.

* * *

Usually I would have gone to Squad 6 first, but I knew that Byakuya had a clan meeting and wouldn't be there until the afternoon. That gave me plenty of time to stop by Squad 8 before Shunsui managed to pull himself from his booze induced slumber and meander into his office. I made some small talk with Nanao while we waited for her captain.

"Hello, my little Nanao," Shunsui greeted, automatically holding up a hand to block the book that came flying at his face. He yawned. "I don't suppose you've read the paper yet today, have you?" he smirked.

"No, I was here, busy working, like you should have been," Nanao said coldly.

"And where were you last night, I wonder?" Shunsui asked.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Nanao replied.

"Dusting your bookcases maybe? Or something else?" Shunsui pressed.

"Something else," Nanao admitted, looking a little confused at her captain's line of questioning.

"I knew it!" Shunsui said. "You naughty girl you!"

"What?" Nanao practically shouted.

"Bad girls always secretly want bad boys," Shunsui said, leaning in close to her.

I left while he was still on the ground clutching at his stomach. At least she didn't hit lower.

* * *

"Lieutenant Abarai," I greeted Renji.

He jumped up in his seat a little and then turned to look at me. "Why the hell are you sneaking up behind me?" he asked. The reason was simply that I had to place a small white sticker on his back, but I wasn't going to tell him that. Honestly, I like the kid. At least he doesn't try to be polite to me. Or rather, he does try to be polite, but his polite isn't as...refined...as his captain's version of polite.

I took a seat across from Renji and waited.

"Um...are you here to see Captain Kuchiki?" Renji asked.

"I actually wanted to give you the Seiretei Communication. I don't know that you regularly read it, and I wanted to make sure that you saw my column."

"Why the hell would I..." Renji took a breath. "Of course, Captain." He reached for the offered paper and read through my addition to it.

I took note of his face, enjoying the various states of emotion flickering across his face. I had taken a bet with myself on his final reaction. I won as his features set into a decided state of panic.

"Did...my captain..." Renji began to ask me, but at precisely the perfect moment, Byakuya walked in. I had tried to time it with him getting out of his clan meeting of course, but the timing was delicious.

Renji stared at his captain, his normally tan skin looking slightly pale. "C-c-captain!" he said.

"Stop stuttering," Byakuya chided him. Now, I don't know that a lot of people know this, but Byakuya has a bit of OCD, so I absolutely knew what he'd do next. His perceptive eyes focused on that sticker that I had placed on Renji's back. Byakuya walked over, close to Renji. Renji stiffened. Byakuya reached out, brushing against Renji's shoulder, towards his back, where he took off the sticker. "You need to pay more attention to how you present yourself," Byakuya said, his mouth close to Renji's ear as he was still leaned over. He straightened and looked over at me. "Did you want anything?"

"Oh no, not if you'd rather _be alone,_" I stressed the last words. Renji's paleness was now gone and he was instead becoming the color of his hair.

* * *

Squad 11 mostly hung out in two locations, either out on their main training grounds, or lounged around in front of their Captain's office nursing sake and napping in the sun. I found them in front of Kenpachi's office.

"Hey Gin, here for a fight?" Kenpachi greeted me with.

"No," I said, my hands up.

"Damn, this day is boring," Kenpachi grumbled. "And what the hell is wrong with all you guys?" he said, looking at his men, who were very much not looking at him.

Yumichika hit Ikkaku in the back. Ikkaku glared at him. Finally he spoke up, "Er, Captain, we all...respect you...so you know...um..." Ikkaku faltered.

"There's nothing really wrong with it," Yumichika jumped in. "I mean...it's not really what I'd expect from someone like you but..."

Ikkaku looked a little miserable and took a large swig of sake.

"What the hell are you guys going on about?" Kenpachi asked.

"Kenny!" Yachiru bounded up. "Kenny, I got you something!" It was a large pink satin bow. "I figured you could wear it in your hair!" she offered.

"I..." Kenpachi stared at the strand of satin as if he wished it were something he could kill.

Yachiru watched on with big eyes.

"Er...thanks?" Kenpachi managed.

Ikkaku sighed deeply. Yumichika elbowed him again.

* * *

I had of course expected to find Squad 10 awash in ears and tails, and I wasn't disappointed. I was however a little upset at what I found in Captain Hitsugaya and Rangiku's shared office.

"Rangiku!" I said.

"What?" she asked.

"Why are you wearing that!" I pointed to white cat ears perched on her head.

"No reason," Rangiku answered.

"You don't really like him, do you?" I asked her seriously. He was...tiny. How could she like someone that tiny? Then I got an idea. "Oh, I get it. You don't like that he possibly the only man completely immune to your charms. It's a challenge."

Rangiku's eyes hardened, and I knew I was right (hoped I was right).

"Has the whole damn squad gone crazy?" Toshiro said, bursting out of his office.

"Maybe it's a cat themed holiday that you weren't aware of," I suggested.

"Don't you like cats, Captain?" Rangiku said coyly, playing with her pen, which "accidentally" fell down her cleavage. "Whoops! Things are always falling down there!" she said, diving in after it.

Toshiro's eyes bulged. "TAKE OFF THE DAMN EARS AND TAIL!" he yelled.

"I checked, it's not outside of the uniform code," Rangiku said.

"IT'S NOW A SQUAD 10 LAW!" Toshiro said, locking himself back in his office.

"He's probably just made because I took all his manga away," Rangiku told me.

"Manga? What manga?" I asked.

"All of his neko stuff," Rangiku said. "I wanted to see how I should look."

"He has...he has neko stuff?"

Rangiku rolled her eyes at me. "Of course he does."

Oh well, bullseye for me I guess. I sincerely hope that I wasn't right about Kenpachi cross dressing though.

* * *

_Orihime: You know, there's nothing wrong with a man wearing a woman's clothing sometimes._

_Ulquiorra: Why are you looking at me when you say that?_


	39. Which Kuchiki?

**Which Kuchiki?**

_A/N: Being attacked by allergies, hopefully this is still funny and not a product of hayfever._

* * *

I often run off to the world of the living for some of my pranks. The fact that I'm not supposed to makes the whole thing more fun. Plus the world of the living has Kinko's and Starbucks. I might admit that I'm developing a bit of caffeine habit. So it was early in the morning back at the Seireitei and I was happily putting up poster board signs in each squad.

I knew that I wouldn't have time to watch every squad make the discovery, so I made sure that as soon as it was work hours I hit Squad 6 first.

I found that the sign had already been removed; most disappointing. I was relieved when I walked into the Squad 6 offices to see it laying across Renji's desk.

The heading said "Which Kuchiki Would You Choose?", and underneath were two large full color pictures, loving doctored by myself and my newly sharpened Photoshop skills.

The picture on the right was what appeared to be Byakuya Kuchiki, sans headgear, sprawled out on a white satin sheet, wearing nothing but the tiniest of black briefs. The only one the left appeared to be Rukia Kuchiki, laying in green grass strewn with cherry blossoms, wearing a pink lace teddy that rode high on her hips and dipped in a wide v down her chest to her belly button.

I had attached little voting tabs on the bottom of the sign, and a small box for people to put their votes.

Renji didn't actually notice me come in until I spoke, since he was rather intently looking at the sign.

"Captain Ichimaru!" he said with a small jump at my greeting.

I looked down at the poster. "Something you've been working on?" I asked Renji.

"W-what?" he stuttered. "Of course not!"

"Did you need something, Captain Ichimaru?" I heard from the doorway.

Renji stiffened at hearing his captain's voice.

"What is that?" Byakuya asked, now seeing what Renji and I were looking at.

"I...it was up in front of the office so I took it down before anyone could see it, sir," Renji said.

Byakuya was looking at the poster with a critical eye. "That is not me. I have a Squad 6 tattoo. And I surely hope that is not Rukia," he said.

A Squad 6 tattoo? Who would have guessed. I wonder where? Renji opened his mouth but didn't say anything, and I have to wonder if he almost asked the same question. Both of us were a little too smart to ask though, not when Byakuya was exuding his trademark "calm rays of destruction". It's not like he's actually showing anger, but somehow you just know that you'd really step very carefully.

I didn't bother saying good-bye, I just retreated quietly while Byakuya frowned at the sign.

* * *

I wasn't planning on visiting Squad 11, but I stopped by when I felt that Kenpachi was up and about. It was a little early for any of Squad 11 to have risen, since they don't train until after lunch and most everyone doesn't both getting up until then unless they have too. Maybe they were about to leave for a mission then? Regardless, I was happy to see the sign still up with a group of shinigami around it.

"I don't know, they both are beautiful," Yumichika was saying. "But obviously..."

"Oh my god, I don't want to hear it," Ikkaku grumbled to him.

"Well, I've heard that Rukia is stronger than her unseated status would show, but obviously I'd have to pick Captain Kuchiki," Kenpachi said.

"What?" Ikkaku paled slightly.

"To fight," Kenpachi added.

"Oh, well I don't think that's what the question is," Yumichika pointed out.

"I know that," Kenpachi rolled his eyes.

"I pick Byakubo!" Yachiru said, tearing off a vote and putting it into the box.

Kenpachi's eyes narrowed. "What?"

They had noticed my presence I'm sure, but no one had acknowledged me. Fairly common in Squad 11. Instead of trying to add fuel to the fire (which already seemed to be going fine on its own), I decided to move on to my real target, Squad 13.

* * *

The sign was (predictably I fear) already down. I found Captain Ukitake in the common offices of Squad 13, talking to his two third seats.

"Captain Ichimaru," Captain Ukitake greeted me. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. I just wanted to stop by and say hi to Rukia," I told him.

"Oh?" Jushiro said archly, gaze narrowing a bit. I swear it's the closet he's ever come to glaring at me.

"I just wanted to know if she knew who put all of these terrible posters up everywhere," I claimed.

"Oh," Jushiro said, more calm. "Wait, they are more of them?"

"Captain, you wanted to see me?" Rukia said, coming in.

"Why hello, Rukia," Sentaro said with with a wide smile.

"Idiot!" Kiyone smacked him upside the head.

He probably would have retaliated if his captain hadn't shot him a glance like the one he had given me. Sentaro just gulped and stayed quiet.

"Do you have any idea what this is?" Captain Ukitake said, pulling up the poster from behind a desk.

Rukia gave a small gasp. "Um...no. That's not me!" she said. "And that's not my brother. He has a Squad 6 tattoo."

How very interesting. "And did he tell you that, or did you see it yourself?" I asked.

"What?" she asked me.

"Haha, never mind!" I said.

* * *

My two main targets having already been met, I decided to stop by Squad 10 and say hi to Rangiku. I'm sure she would have already heard whatever gossip had sprung up because of my little prank.

"I haven't shown it to him yet," Rangiku confessed to me.

"To who?"

"My captain," Rangiku said. "Oh...here he comes..."

I swear that despite everything, Rangiku has ears like a hawk. I hadn't heard his tiny feet padding towards us.

His office door opened. He saw me and instantly tensed a little. What, I'm not ALWAYS bad news, am I?

"So Captain," Rangiku said with a wide smile. "Who do you choose?" She quickly held up the sign.

Captain Hitsugaya's eyes bulged slightly. "What in the world..."

"Oh come on, Captain," Rangiku said, "You can tell me!"

"Rangiku..." Toshiro said icily.

"It's not Captain Kuchiki, he has a Squad 6 tattoo," I said.

Both Rangiku and Toshiro turned towards me, slightly confused.

"How on earth would you know that?" Toshiro asked me.

I shrugged and left.

* * *

No one really wants to be approached by the captain of Squad 12. He smells like poison and paint, and always asks weird questions like whether he can "borrow" some of my squad members, promising to "mostly give them back".

"I must congratulate you, it was done very well," Captain Kurotsuchi said.

"Why thank you. However, I was unaware that Captain Kuchiki has a Squad 6 tattoo so it's not quite as believable as I would have hoped," I replied, not even bothering to cover my tracks. For all I know he has video of me putting the damn things up (yes, I'm fairly sure that he does now that I think about it).

"I would like you to do a favor for me,"Mayuri said.

"I trust that this is in exchange for you not mention to either Kuchiki that it was me behind the poster?" I replied.

"Of course."

"What is it?" I asked.

"I would like a picture of Head Captain Yamamoto and his lieutenant in a compromising position."

"Dear god why?" I almost yelled.

"My budget is coming up for review and I would like a little back up."

"So you are blackmailing me to make blackmail materials to use on the Head Captain?" I asked him.

He nodded.

"Do you even know how many hours it takes to do this right?" I complain. I really did not want to be looking at even a _fake_ naked Yamamoto and co for that long. "I don't see why you don't just hack into the budget approvals and give yourself approval," I said with a sigh.

"Oh..." Mayuri thought about it. "I suppose it's not like anyone really goes through those anyways."

I agreed. How else would I get all my Starbucks' coffees paid for?

"Just add whatever amount you want to 'Captain's Discretionary Spending', that's what I always do," I suggested.

* * *

_Orihime: All Ulquiorra is doing is blinking more._

_Gin: Yes, I thought that giving him a double espresso might be a little more...impressive..._

_Ulquoirra: Can I have another?_


	40. How to Upset Captains part 1

**Notes on How to Upset Captains (part 1)**

* * *

I can't quite claim that I've done all of these things by myself, I have to give props to my helpers, mentioned when used.

* * *

**Squad 1 – Head Captain Yamamoto**

**Note:** He actually is fairly laid back in the afternoon, but he gets cranky towards the end of the day, and especially at the end of the week. Also, if you can get him right after a Captains' Meeting you're much more likely to get a response.

**Suggestion: **Turn down the thermostat and make the whole place like a freezer. Not all squads have air conditioning, but squad one has for at least fifty years. Having a fire type zanpakuto, it should irritate Yamamoto just like the heat makes Captain Hitsugaya disgruntled.

**In action: **On recommendation of Rangiku, actually used Captain Hitsugaya himself. Made him very angry, tied him up, tickled him, and then threw him into Yamamoto's office while the Head Captain was dozing. Neither were happy.

**Results: **Fog. It didn't get cold OR hot, it got cold AND hot. Steam and fog billowed out of Squad 1's general direction for days.

* * *

**Squad 2 – Captain Soifon**

**Note:** Is pretty irritable most of the time. She's more irritable when forced to be in close company to her lieutenant. She holds a very strong grudge against the former captain of Squad 12.

**Suggestion:** Give her false information about Kisuke Urahara's whereabouts.

**In action:** Sent a hell butterfly from Squad 12 (distracted Rin with candy) to Lieutenant Omaeda. He reported it to Soifon.

**Results:** After several days of investigating a completely harmless and empty patch of forest, Omaeda was thrown in a cell for a solid week and Soifon yelled at a confused Captain Kurotsuchi. I sent her a card with a kitten hanging from a branch that said "Hang in there, sweetie." I randomly signed it as Lieutenant Iba.

* * *

**Squad 3 – me**

**Note: **I'm not about to give people any ideas.

* * *

**Squad 4 – Captain Unohana**

**Note:** Calm ALL the damn time. She does have weak spots though.

**Suggestion: **Mess with her underlings, or her healing faculties, or BOTH. (also: DO NOT GET CAUGHT) (I value ALL my parts)

**In action: **Poisoned Lieutenant Kotetsu's tea on a day that Captain Unohana was doing rounds at her off site free clinic in the Rukon district. Made sure that it was slow acting so that I could reclaim the cup and destroy it, so that my spiritual signature won't be anywhere. Threw several small bombs into the main medicinal supply closet (fought off urge to take some supplies for myself, she'd find out somehow). Got several Squad 11 members drunk and tossed their unconscious bodies into the devastated closet. Convinced one, before he fell down drunk, to move Lieutenant Kotetsu for me and drape her in front of the closet (even I'm not mean enough to lock her _in_ with them).

**Results: **I can't believe that Captain Zaraki was actually away today! Ikkaku and Yumichika wound up in kido binds on hospital beds until Kenpachi got back. Unohana went through Squad 11 and decimated any sake she could find. Those squad members who attempted to interfere learned that they really shouldn't have.

* * *

**Squad 5 – Captain Aizen**

**Note:** He seems like he's always calm, but because he thinks things out so much, when things some times go awry, he's slower to react than you'd think.

**Suggestion: **Insinuate that Lieutenant Hinamori is no longer happy with him as a captain and has been looking to transfer, or even leave service. I will need actual proof since he won't believe it otherwise.

**In action:** Does he really have to use Kyōka Suigetsu all the time? How did he even know I was going to plant evidence? Is he damn psychic or something? Is my room bugged and I was murmuring in my sleep or something?

**Results:** Nothing. He smiled and sent me home. I am now searching my home for booby traps.

* * *

**Squad 6 – Captain Kuchiki**

**Note:** He is actually easy to irritate, but it takes some doing to make him actually show it.

**Suggestion: **Proof of a inappropriate relationship between his new Lieutenant (Abarai) and his adopted sister.

**In action:** Waited until one of Rangiku's parties, stole Zabimaru and Renji's waraji (*sandals) off of a fairly wasted Renji. Waited until Rukia was wandering around the garden and planted them in her bedroom. Good lord that woman likes bunnies. The room was almost nightmarish in it's bunnyness. Snuck into Squad 6 and sent urgent hell butterfly to Rukia Kuchiki. I know that Byakuya has all messages come to him when Rukia is out.

**Results: **Byakuya knocking on Rukia's door got no response, so he checked inside, finding Renji's belongings. However, Rukia looked confused and cried when Byakuya asked her about it, and he quickly gave up the case. I saw that Renji got a temporary assignment to Squad 12 for two weeks afterward.

* * *

**Squad 7 – Captain Komamura**

**Note:** What is under that helmet of his? He has kind of freaky looking eyes and is massive. Probably messing with Captain Yamamoto or Captain Tosen would most upset him – but I have other plans for Tosen and have already pranked Yamamoto. Hm...

**Suggestion: **First attempt failed, I don't know if he even noticed. Second idea: Make him think that Captain Tosen loves him.

**In action:** Kaname doesn't actually write for himself, but he does use an audio to text program to write for him. So I sent a long letter (maybe five pages?) from Kaname detailing his love for his friend. I tried to through in random things about justice to make it more realistic.

**Results: **I don't really know. He's just standing in front of an unmarked grave staring into the distance. I don't know what that means.

* * *

**Squad 8 – Captain Kyoraku**

**Note:** Shunsui loves: sake, women, sleeping. He's fond of Captain Ukitake and Lieutenant Ise. Has kind of a father-son-mentor thing going on with the head captain.

**Suggestion: **Hard call, but I went with sake this time.

**In action:** Gave Nanao Ise a message from Head Captain Yamamoto forbidding sake to be on any squad grounds aside from private residences, making drinking sake and public drunkenness (including on any squad property) a jail worthy offense, and requiring random breath analyzation and other intoxication tests. Nanao knew it wasn't from the head captain, but she liked my idea enough to go along with it.

**Results: **Nanao threw away all of Captain Kyoraku's sake and harassed him about his drinking for an entire week before Shunsui learned that the memo was a fake. In relief he got hammered and passed out drunk at his squad's gate.

* * *

**Squad 9 – Captain Tosen**

**Note:** Loves justice, truth, and self-righteousness. Has a good relationship with his lieutenant. Writes the Seireitei Communication.

**Suggestion: **Decided to go with his publication this time. For some reason it's really important to him.

**In action:** Released a memo from the head captain's office (I grabbed a bunch of stationary under the cover and mist and fog when he and Captain Hitsugaya had that little incident). "Because of budget issues we are cutting funding to certain unnecessary projects." I made a long list of now defunct projects, including the Seireitei Communication.

**Results: **He had a rally! Seriously! And had petitions and people sitting out in front of the head captain's office chanting! I think there was even singing! I'm just ecstatic about the whole thing, especially when Yamamoto gave Kaname the stink eye and called him into his office. I really wish I could have heard that conversation.

* * *

**Squad 10 – Captain Hitsugaya**

**Note:** Highly irritable. Fond of Lieutenant Hinamori and Rangiku. Hates being called kid, short, or by his first name.

**Suggestion: **This one wound up being very easy. The Shinigami Women's Association made it simple for me.

**In action:** Took pictures of the SWA shrine they have for him. I'm sure they call it something else, but with all of the pictures of him and stuff, it's pretty creepy. I sent him the pictures along with some of the letters that were submitted for the SWA gazette (yeah, I didn't know they had one either). People write in to the "captains" (who is just one of the women pretending) of their undying affection, asking questions, etc.

**Results: **Turns out that Rangiku was the one answering for Captain Hitsugaya. I didn't really spot it, but I guess not that many people know Toshiro's favorite tea, what types of movies he likes, his favorite book, etc. (aside from Momo, but I guess the captain ruled her out). Captain Hitsugaya wasn't pleased He tore down the shrine and made Rangiku wear a turtle neck for two weeks.

* * *

**Squad 11 – Captain Zaraki**

**Note:** Tread cautiously. He would love to find me doing something to him because then he'd have an excuse to fight me. I have no qualms about running away, very quickly. He calls me a coward, saying I'm scared of death. Well yes, I think that was the main point of me running, to stay alive.

**Suggestion: **I actually found something very easy to do, with little reason to believe it will be traced back to me.

**In action:** Told Yachiru about babies. Gave a convoluted birds and bees speech. Mentioned mothers' bellies and other things, but wasn't very clear.

**Results: **She of course asked Kenpachi about the whole issue. My expectations of Kenpachi, he would: a) ignore her b) complete melt down c) explain exactly how to make babies (he's kind of blunt. He did none of those things. He sat for a long time and then eventually dumped her off in Captain Unohana's office. I'm highly surprised to find him so practical. Oh, and I guess Yachiru mentioned my name. Oops. I spent some time hiding under Kira's desk. But that was ok too, because he's ticklish.

* * *

**Squad 12 – Captain Kurotsuchi**

**Note:** Hates for the former captain of Squad 12, dislikes having his secrets known, doesn't like not knowing things or having his research messed with.

**Suggestion: **This was a little random, but I thought I'd draw the SWA into play again. Having such a large group to hide behind makes things easier.

**In action:** Gave information to the SWA that Mayuri was doing experiments on kittens to make them combat capable. Included as many pictures of sad kittens as possible.

**Results: **My goodness, I didn't know that Soifon was that pro-cat, but she was definitely leading the charge on this one. Don't get on Squad 2's bad side, it involves lots of explosions and poisoned darts. Soifon actually found some kittens too (as well as other animals), which is kind of horrifying. Side note: Now have to deal with the fact that Rangiku has two kittens and a puppy. I don't mind them, I like pets, but they seem to like me more. I am covered in dog drool and tiny scratches. Captain Komamura adopted what seems like a dozen dogs who escaped from Squad 12, I wonder why?

* * *

**Squad 13 – Captain Ukitake**

**Note:** Fond of his two third seats, and really most of his men...well probably everyone in the Seireitei most likely. Obviously has an illness, but even I'm not uncouth enough to play with that. Good friends with Captain Kyoraku, still depressed about his lieutenant's death, and has Rukia Kuchiki in his squad. If I mess with Rukia again is it double dipping?

**Suggestion: **I really have no idea, he's kind of easy going, it's be hard too really upset him without halfway (or fully) killing someone.

**In action:** I decided to tell him that Captain Hitsugaya has an extraordinary fondness for sweets (to Captain Hitsugaya sweets = childish, I found this out a long time ago when offering him a lollypop for being a good little boy).

**Results: **I guess even Captain Hitsugaya can't be mean to Captain Ukitake. He just bites his lip and looks annoyed, but accepts the candy that Jushiro is constantly giving to him. At least we have full dental insurance as shinigami.

* * *

_Orihime: I always wondered why Captain Ukitake gave Captain Hitsugaya so much candy._

_Ulquiorra: I played a prank on Grimmjow recently._

_Orihime: You did? Seriously?_

_Ulquiorra: I was still a little...discombobulated from those espressos that you and Gin made me drink._

_Orihime: I don't remember forcing you to drink them. What did you do to Grimmjow?_

_Ulquiorra: I signed him up for a subscription to "Cat Fancy". Also, I'm fairly sure I put his name as "Glamjaw Jaguarcat" on the sign up form._


	41. How to Upset Captains part 2

**Notes on How to Upset Captains (part 2)**

_A/N: I have been very sick and my medication makes my vision very blurry, sorry for any misspellings, etc. I'll go over it again when I'm more on the up and up. (Note to self: Have less fun next Memorial Day weekend)_

* * *

The quest continues! After regaling myself with these past efforts, I think I'm going to try out the Espada next. For now, here are a couple more things I've done to entertain myself and torment my fellow captains.

* * *

**Squad 1 – Head Captain Yamamoto**

**Note:** It's near his yearly tea ceremony time, and he always get's a little more uptight this time of the year (although he does enjoy the tea ceremony). I think he just wants to make sure that things go smoothly and gets worried that oh say, Kenpachi or I will disrupt the proceedings.

**Suggestion:** MAKE him relax. It can't be good to be so stressed when you're a billion years old (or however old he happens to be).

**In action: **I found a list of relaxing herbs and just dumped them all into his special herbal tea pot that his lieutenant draws from to make his tea fresh daily.

**Results: **I think...I made him high. I went back over the list and nothing should have done this, but he's just sitting in his garden singing to himself. Maybe he's just really happy and we've never seen him not in uber pissed off two seconds from melting everyone's face off mode?

* * *

**Squad 2 – Captain Soifon**

**Note:** Not a calm person by any means. Is easy riled up by her lieutenant, insubordination, and people being mean to cats (as I learned last time).

**Suggestion:** I'm going with her lieutenant this time. He bothers me.

**In action:** I planted very frilly female undergarments of various sorts all around his quarters, then had a message sent to Soifon regarding an away mission of high level. She tried to contact him, and failed (I made sure he was out of the way), and then she checked his quarters. She was appropriately horrified.

**Results:** She (pale faced) quietly mentioned to her lieutenant that he shouldn't be bringing back strange women to his Squad 2 quarters. He was confused and said, "What women?", which only drew out more blood from Soifon's face. I admit, the idea that Omaeda has women's underwear just _around_ is pretty frightening. The main questions that surface are: Is he wearing them? Just being a pervert? Has a fetish? Steals from female squad members? I like to imagine that Soifon went home and went through her underwear drawer just to make sure everything was where is should be.

* * *

**Squad 3 – Captain Ichimaru**

One day maybe I will play a prank on myself. I mean, usually I just go for Kira, but I'm giving him a bit of break since I noticed the bags under his eyes, poor dear.

* * *

**Squad 4 – Captain Unohana**

**Note:** Very imperturbable in general.

**Suggestion: **Squad 4 and Squad 11 have always been a bit at loggerheads.

**In action: **I strongly hinted to multiple Squad 4 personnel that Captain Zaraki was a bit enamored of Captain Unohana since she didn't seem to afraid of everything and was reportedly very strong, even scaring Captain Ukitake and Captain Kyoraku. I waited to do this until I knew that Yachiru was catching a cold, when Captain Unohana is most likely to be kind and understanding towards the big captain of the 11th.

**Results: **Perfect. Kenpachi is moping because of Yachiru, Unohana is trying to cheer him up, and whenever the two converse the rest of the squad looks on in horror. They've taken to making up random emergencies anytime the two are together in an effort to keep them apart. I have to wonder if Unohana has at least an inkling of what is going on, I'm sure Kenpachi doesn't and wouldn't care if he did.

* * *

**Squad 5 – Captain Aizen**

**Note:** Calm in general. It's the small things that annoy him.

**Suggestion: **Something completely small but also completely obvious. He hates being made a fool of. Oh, and it has to be insignificant enough for him to not torment me with illusions of Tosen belly dancing (yes, it's happened).

**In action:** Ok, so this is an age old trick. I put tape around the nose of his glasses. He walked around half the day with white tape there, not knowing it.

**Results:** Momo eventually asked him about it. He laughed it off and took off the tape, and joked that it was most likely me that did it. I'm now petrified.

* * *

**Squad 6 – Captain Kuchiki**

**Note:** Full of Kuchiki honor and noble desires (one imagines).

**Suggestion: **Why attack that Kuchiki honor, of course.

**In action:** I sent a package addressed to Ginrei Kuchiki to Squad 6. This happens sometimes, even though he's been a captain for awhile now. I made sure something...special...was in the package.

**Results: **From my spying place I could see Byakuya open the package and then delicately set it on his desk, staring at it for a long time. If you don't think it was hard to keep my giggles to myself while watching the stoic captain eyeball a lewd sex toy, then you don't know me very well. Finally he sighed and put it back in the box, sealed it up with tape. I wish Ginrei was still around, because I'd love to see his grandson deliver this to him.

* * *

**Squad 7 – Captain Komamura**

**Note:** I must know what's under that helmet of his!

**Suggestion: **Make him remove it by whatever means I can.

**In action:** Smoke, stink bombs, noxious gas, I tried it all today and didn't succeed in making him take off his head piece. What's he hiding under there?

**Results: **Oh my! After what had to be an aggravating day he spent the evening at Kaname's quarters, where he took off his helmet and some of his armor to make himself more at home. Who would have guessed that's he's a wolf? Truly interesting. Also interesting, Tosen gave his friend a couple of ear scratches, after which Komamura settled by the fire for a couple of hours.

* * *

**Squad 8 – Captain Kyoraku**

**Note:** Womanizing, loves his sake and his free time. Prefers to not do anything. Protective of his lieutenant.

**Suggestion: **Going for the lieutenant.

**In action:** Sent Kyoraku a message congratulating his lieutenant on being a new mom.

**Results: **Aw, it was beautiful. Shunsui stormed out to the front office (where I just happened to be) and yelled at Nanao saying she couldn't possibly be pregnant. Nanao said "Why not?" I suppose just to piss him off. She's always more fun that most people give her credit for, at least in the area of provoking her captain. The two argued, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out if he was mad because she was possibly pregnant from someone else, or if the two had an affair and he somehow thought he was now a father. It's always hard to tell when people are just yelling. Regardless, Nanao looked pleased when she finally admitted she wasn't pregnant and Shunsui locked himself in his office and got drunk.

* * *

**Squad 9 – Captain Tosen**

**Note:** Love, truth, justice, and the shinigami way – or whatever. He has a mantra, I just don't pay attention to it.

**Suggestion: **He's fond of his lieutenant, so I'm going with that for today's activities, or at least making Kaname's rigid morality come out and play.

**In action:** I continued with my actions from Shunsui's office, telling Captain Tosen that Captain Kyoraku and Lieutenant Ise were fighting because Nanao was pregnant. I added "with Lieutenant Hisagi's child" to make things more fun.

**Results: **Kaname didn't disappoint, drawing Shuuhei aside and asking him if he planned on marrying Nanao. Shuuhei, confused, said, "Um...no?" which led to an epic argument on single parenthood and manly pride and social responsibilities, etc., before Shuuhei finally got his captain to spill what was making him go on and on. Shuuhei gladly disavowed his participation in Nanao's supposed pregnancy, calming his captain down.

* * *

**Squad 10 – Captain Hitsugaya**

**Note:** Momo and Rangiku are his two weakest points, but considering Rangiku is also one of my weakest points, I'll go for the other.

**Suggestion: **Momo it is! Not only that, but this will be very easy.

**In action:** Talked loudly to Rangiku about how I had finally acted on my crush on Momo to ask her out and about my plans for her and I that weekend (made sure that Captain Hitsugaya's office door was open).

**Results: **I could tell he was pissed before he even came out, because my toes felt like they might have frostbite. He needs to learn to control that frosty temper of his (get it?). Somehow it devolved into an argument between Rangiku and Toshiro though, Rangiku holding up the idea that Momo could make her own decisions and wasn't a child, and Toshiro firmly holding out that I was the anti-Christ and that if I touched Momo the world would end in a giant apocalypse. I snuck out while they were still "discussing" things.

* * *

**Squad 11 – Captain Zaraki**

**Note: **It's always good to tread carefully with this one. It's not that hard to irritate him, but he always goes with the "kill things that irritate me" option. I'd like to avoid that.

**Suggestion: **I already dabbled with Yachiru last time, time to change things up. This time, his bells.

**In action:** Well, I still got Yachiru to help. I switched out Kenpachi's bells for ones that have a very pleasing wind chime like sound, all different notes, so that when he walks there are pleasing harmonic chords – light and airy.

**Results: **I guess Kenpachi didn't want to remove them after the hassle of getting them in, and Yachiru loved them and I suppose he didn't want to hurt her feelings. It has to be the only time that hearing Kenpachi approach didn't only cause you to fear for your life, but also caused you to snicker a little. (btw: a lot more people than usual wound up in Squad 4 that day, seems Kenpachi isn't fond of snickering).

* * *

**Squad 12 – Captain Kurotsuchi**

**Note:** Short of killing off his lieutenant, it's interfering with his research that bothers him the most.

**Suggestion: **Computer viruses. I've heard about them from the land of the living. Of course, it'll be harder to pull of here since technology is...different.

**In action:** I did it! I got most of all of his bizarre little creatures sick with a type of flu!

**Results: **Not only can he not do his research, but he and his whole squad are playing nurse to weird multi-legged giant eyeballed beasts, trying to ease their pain while he and Nemu work on a cure for them.

* * *

**Squad 13 – Captain Ukitake**

**Note:** Noted for his gentle demeanor and white hair, and his friendship with Captain Kyoraku. Well, and being sick, but that's a little low to think of hitting on (not to mention too easy).

**Suggestion: **Going for the hair. That can't be too bad can it? Captain Kyoraku has threatened me with death if I'm too mean to Jushiro, so I have to be a little more gentle in my pranking around him, lest the laziest captain actually get awake and pissed enough to tan my hide a bit.

**In action: **Simple really, he has light hair so it's easy to die. A little pink dye in his shampoo and we're set!

**Results: **It's a subtle color, you only notice it from the side of your eye and then are a bit confused. Yachiru loves it of course, but got a little far when she started calling him a fairy princess. When Ukitake corrected her, she amended that too "second daddy," which is worse if you ask me, not that Kenpachi cared at all. Yachiru cried the next day when Ukitake washed out the dye, but was ok again when he offered her sweets to make up for it. Maybe he is a good second daddy after all.

* * *

_Orihime: Aw, that's so sweet. I don't see why Captain Ukitake couldn't be Yachiru's other dad._

_Ulquiorra: Because the inference is that he and Kenpachi are...partners._

_Orihime: What's wrong with that? Unless he's already with Captain Unohana, or Captain Kyoraku, or maybe Rukia, or still missing his lieutenant, or..._

_Ulquiorra: Good lord, what in the world is going on in the Seireitei?_

_Orihime: Oh don't worry, it's just that I'm a bit of a fangirl._


	42. How to Upset Espada

**Notes on How to Upset Espada**

_A/N: Here it is finally!_

* * *

Having a lot of fun with the captains, I decided to try my luck with the Espada.

* * *

**Primera Espada – Coyote Starrk**

**Note: **Of course I'm going to do something to him while he's asleep. Unfortunately he actually is a light sleeper.

**Suggestion: **Use a sedative in his tea to make sure he stays asleep and then change things a bit.

**In Action: **I waited until he was passed out on his couch (I have no idea why the bed was too far for him) and then removed every single piece of his furniture and replaced it with things from Nnoitra's room. I even included a fake Santa Teresa and the dirty clothes that Nnoitra leaves lying around until Tesla cleans it up.

**Results: **Oddly enough, he woke up with a start and started to leave once he noticed his surroundings, but then paused and then turned around and fell asleep in Nnoitra's bed. I thought that he had figured out that he was still in his own quarters but later I found out that he had no idea. It turns out that temporarily escaping Lilynette is worth having to deal with a pissed off Nnoitra.

* * *

**Segunda Espada – Baraggan Lousienbairn**

**Note: **Honestly this man is a little terrifying, but knowing who he picked for his fraccion just confuses me. Does the man have a secret prankster side or does he really just not care?

**Suggestion: **I think I'll go with minor annoyances in this case.

**In Action: **I super glued every single thing in his palace that could be super glued. Drawers stuck closed, doors that didn't open, furniture stuck to the floor.

**Results: **Remarkably it only took two failed tries at the door for the old man to simply break it out of frustration. I think he was already having a bad day. The best part was when he tried to open a drawer, failed, and then attempted to throw the entire desk, but then also failed. Two hours later I walked down the hall to see his fraccion hiding in the doorway, and the whole place smelled of smoke, dust and decay. I think he began ceroing everything and then got really upset and started rotting everything. I decided to hint to his fraccion that one of Szayel's men had done it, to cover my bases. Those guys are all clones and made in a vat anyways, aren't they?

* * *

**Espada Tres – Tia Hallibel**

**Note: **She's the only female espada (unless you somehow count Aaroniero as part female…I don't), that has to wear on one.

**Suggestion: **Despite being pretty girl powery, she also displays half her breasts regularly (not that I'm complaining). I decided to push her a little, but in the opposite direction I'm sure most males do.

**In Action: **Sent her a box full of clothes, with a note from Aizen suggesting that she use them to more properly cover herself up in a less disgraceful way.

**Results: **She stared at the note for a long time and then looked at the extremely Amish level modest clothing that I had filled it with. She showed up to the next espada meeting wearing everything, I mean multiple outfits' worth of clothes. I don't know if she was being cheeky and making a point or if she really thought that was the best way to address the "problem". Side bonus: Nnoitra complained about lack of boob and got hit in the head.

* * *

**Espada Quatro – Ulquiorra Cifer**

**Note: **Humorless but somehow still gets the best of me on occasion, jerk.

**Suggestion: **Something very old school and very corny. I decided on bubble wrap.

**In Action: **I don't know how he managed to get his sandals on without noticing that I had taped a thick layer of bubble wrap (the kind with the really big bubbles) onto the bottom of them.

**Results:** He jumped in the air like a startled cat when he stepped down on them and heard that popping noise. I thought that was the end of it and stopped watching, but passed him in the hallway with some of the stuff in his hands, absently popping it. At least now I know what to get him for Christmas.

* * *

**Quinto Espada – Nnoitra Gilga**

**Note: **Doesn't really hang out with anyone other than Tesla (and sometimes Szayel).

**Suggestion: **Definitely needs to involve Nnoitra embarrassing himself in front of Tesla.

**In Action: **I went around for week recording things Nnoitra had said, found the best parts, did lots of word splicing, and stuck it into a playback device that I attached to his silly spoon hat thing. The sentences sounded slightly odd, but luckily Nnoitra always sounds pissed off so the word splicing was easier and sounded more natural than I thought.

**Results: **I got Nnoitra and Szayel in a room together, waiting for me. I had Tesla in the hall, briefly chatting with him. "Why don't you ever see me anymore?" Nnoitra's voice asked. Watching the video feed later, I love watching the shock on Nnoitra and Szayel's faces as Nnoitra's disembodied voice talked. "I miss having you around." By this time of course Tesla was intensely interested, and I pretended to be vaguely surprised at what I was hearing. "We were good together." "WHAT THE FUCK!" the real Nnoitra yelled. In the video I can see Szayel spotting the device on Nnoitra's headpiece and reaching to remove it. Of course, that's when Tesla and I came in. Tesla's face went crimson, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…intrude," he said and quickly left. Nnoitra's jaw went slack and he smacked Szayel's hand away. Bonus: Nnoitra completely believes Szayel did it AND that he was hitting on him.

* * *

**Sexta Espada – Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

**Note: **He's just so much fun to have fun with. I think his anger issues make him a nice target.

**Suggestion: **How can I _not _go with a cat angle? Sure it's an easy, cheap shot, but it's too tempting to not take.

**In Action: **Alright, this is actually taken from a movie I watched, but it was too perfect to not use. I had a conversation with Grimmjow, randomly placing the word "meow" into my sentences. "Grimmjow, how you doing meow?" I asked. "Lord Aizen meow wants to change the normal meeting time to noon meow."

**Results: **"Excuse me?" Grimmjow asked. "Lord Aizen wants to change the normal meeting time to noon," I repeated. "Er, ok." "Thank you meow," I replied. He eyes narrowed. Now here's the thing, I'm a practical joker, everyone knows that, so they can blow off what I'm saying some time. God only knows why he decided this one time to unbend that stick of justice up his ass, but Kaname actually helped me out. He walked down the hall right then and said. "Grimmjow, it's nice to see you meow." Grimmjow looked a little crazed and semi-bolted away from us. "And now you have to not play any prank on me for a month," Kaname intoned. "I swear," I lied. When they don't expect you is always the best time to strike. Maybe I can get Grimmjow to help me (meow).

* * *

**Septima Espada – Zommari Rureaux**

**Note: **He always seems a little vague to me. He's just as gung-ho on the "Lord Aizen" thing as Ulquiorra, but still hates me and Kaname. Odd man.

**Suggestion: **Simple physical humor style practical joke.

**In Action: **"Zommari, did you know that I can use this hair pin to make this tea cup stick to the wall?"

**Results: **He definitely thought that I could get the pin through the cup he just didn't think I'd make it actually stay. While pretending to pin the cup I dropped the pin, and asked him to pick it up. While he was bending over I dumped the tea on his head. Luckily I'm a fast sprinter. What? I already told you he hates me, a little annoyance on his end isn't going to faze me.

* * *

**Octava Espada – Szayel Aporro Granz**

**Note: **Honestly, I'm a little fond of him; he comes up with the most interesting concoctions and inventions for me to "borrow".

**Suggestion: **I had something else in mind, but since Nnoitra already has it in for him…

**In Action: **I made a Nnoitra shrine. It was remarkably easy; I just took Tesla's and put it in Szayel's private lab.

**Results: **"You have a serious problem," Nnoitra pointed out to Szayel during the espada meeting. "Besides, I'm not into guys. I like girls with giant boobs. Hey, Tia, why aren't you showing your boobs?" This was of course when Tia was wearing one billion articles of clothing. She decked him. Szayel attempted to administer first aid, but Nnoitra was convinced he was "trying to pull something". Szayel has no idea why half of his lab is covered in what used to be various parts of his former fraccion.

* * *

**Noveno Espada – Aaronerio Arruruerie**

**Note: **Easily the creepiest espada, to me at least. I once wondered why he wore a mask. I regret my curiosity. But he makes up for his spooky floating heads with a terrible and sadistic personality. Wait…

**Suggestion: **I'm planning on playing on his voracious appetites for power (or rather, powers).

**In Action: **I told him that I had seen Yammy's dog flying. Now of course most high powered spiritual beings can fly, of a sort, by balancing on spirit ribbons and various levels of naturally occurring spiritual pressure, but I happen to know for a fact that Aaronerio doesn't have an actual flying form (the type with wings). Is there a difference? To Aaronerio there is.

**Results: **Aaroniero tried to kill ("absorb") Yammy's dog. That made Yammy mad. Aizen says that I have to pay for the east wing of the palace to be replaced. I don't know if he bothered to figure out if it was my fault or if he just (correctly) assumed it was.

* * *

**Diez Espada/Cero Espada – Yammy Llargo**

**Note: **He's a little slow in the brain, but it's not good to get him too angry. He's fond of Ulquiorra.

**Suggestion: **I think I'll use the dog again…AND Ulquiorra.

**In Action: **I kept hiding women's bra and underwear of various types (even a pair of pantyhose and a garter belt) all around his room. I did this for about two weeks before I dipped a thong in meat and then handed it to Yammy's dog, who gladly chewed on it and carried it around.

**Results: **Yammy finally thinks he's figured out how his room keeps filling up with women's undergarments, his dog. I waited until an opportune time and gave the dog a lacy bra to gnaw on. Of course, I was in Ulquiorra's room at the time, so Yammy saw his dog come out of Ulquiorra's room with the bra proudly in his little bony mouth. "Why are you grinning at me, Yammy?" Ulquiorra asked at the next espada meeting. "Looks like you've been having some luck with the ladies recently," Yammy said with a laugh. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Yammy," Ulquiorra replied boredly. Yammy's face froze. "Uh, so you haven't been having women over lately?" he asked. "Of course not," Ulquiorra replied. "Er…ok." Bonus: Yammy bought Ulquiorra a matching bra and underwear set as a gift.

* * *

_Ulquiorra: I really did wonder why Yammy gave me something so ridiculous._

_Orihime: What did you do?_

_Ulquiorra: I accepted it of course, I wondered if it was some sort of friendship token that I wasn't aware of._

_Orihime: You realize that means that now he thinks you…_

_Ulquiorra: What?_

_Orihime: Um…you know…like to wear…_

_Ulquiorra: …?_

_Orihime: Ha ha, nevermind!_


	43. Presents

**Presents**

_A/N: Are you ready for one billion pop culture references? All books, games, and movies in this chapter are real._

* * *

During Christmas, the Seireitei has a large Christmas tree put up in Squad One's main courtyard. It's not like we really celebrate holidays here, but one year Yamamoto decided that he liked the idea of Christmas trees, and people starting putting presents under it for their captains (anonymously), and somehow a Seireitei tradition was born.

Regardless, sometimes the cold weather gets me a bit down, so I was looking to have fun this year. Anonymous presents? Count me in. I'm always for pranks that no one can trace back to me.

We all open them in front of each other, which makes it that much more fun.

* * *

**Squad One**

I honestly thought of doing some sort of twelve days of Christmas thing, but we have thirteen squads, and plus it seemed like it might get complicated. So I settled for vaguely insulting (or directly insulting) gifts.

For Head Captain Yamamoto I wrapped a two month supply of Rogaine.

**Reaction:** He looked it over and casually tossed it aside as he opened another present. Later on I saw him reading the box. I'm now worried. Everyone knows that people with long hair are more powerful (everyone I know that has grown longer hair over a short amount of time has powered up by at least 10x). Also, do you know that there are things called fire whirl tornadoes? Does the world really need more of those? I don't want to see all life die because Shunsui did something to piss of Yamamoto one morning.

* * *

**Squad Two**

I went to Sephora and got Soifon a Pretty Princess make up set. It included glitter eye shadow, lip plumping lip gloss, and an array of mind numbingly pink nail polishes.

**Reaction:** "Eh," she said, throwing it over her shoulder. "I'll give it to Omeada."

Uh…as a joke? As a punishment? I mean, he doesn't really wear stuff like that right, because if so I have some important suiciding I need to do.

* * *

**Squad Three**

Oh come on, I have myself a gift too, but it was an awesome gift.

(Fine, I'll tell you, it was a lightsaber – a real one. I stole it from this guy that claims to be the last Quincy. Also, he said it wasn't a lightsaber, but that's just bullshit).

**Reaction:** Of course I started cutting things in half. What else would I do? I wonder if you use it to cut cheese if the cheese gets a smoky flavor? I loved smoked gouda and smoked gouda made via lightsaber would be high on my list of awesome snacks.

* * *

**Squad Four**

I got Unohana bugs. That might sound weird (it is), but there were all medically bugs, like leeches and maggots and kangal fish.

**Reaction:** "If you don't want those, I'd like them," Mayuri piped up as Unohana looked perplexed by the gift.

"Actually, I hear that kangal fish give good pedicures," she said, looking over the boxes full of creepy crawlies and setting a box aside.

Really? The fish…how do they…

"You put your feet in a bucket, throw the fish in, and they eat away the dead skin," Unohana explained (in response to Mayuri's question, not my brain melting).

Seems like it would tickle. And horrify.

I wonder if I can get Kira to do it?

* * *

**Squad Five**

I got Aizen a book called "Joshua Jay's Amazing Book of Cards: Tricks, Shuffles, Stunts & Hustles Plus Bets You Can't Lose". I was going to get him a hypnosis book, but then he'd definitely know it was me.

**Reaction:** Aizen sucks at card tricks. Or at least is pretending to suck. No, I really think he is terrible at them. Evidentially, it's much easier to just mind hack someone into not seeing the cards than it is to hide them in your hands or sleeves.

* * *

**Squad Six**

I got Byakuya a shampoo and conditioner set, as well as a pair of scissors and a brush. (What? His hair is way too pretty and I am in no way jealous).

**Reaction:** "I only use non Sodium Lauryl Sulfate shampoos, my hair is razor cut, and I refuse to use something that not 100% boar bristle as a brush," Byakuya said as he gazed at the small gift basket.

I'm…not taking notes, I swear.

* * *

**Squad Seven**

Komamura kind of freaks me out. He is massive and wears a bucket over his head, what's not scary about that? Plus he has those golden eyes. Honestly, I spend a lot of time considering what he really looks like. So, I gave him a bunch of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comic books, because I'm fairly certain he's Toka or Razar.

**Reaction:** He actually started reading. Turns out he likes Master Splinter.

Note to self: Is Yamamoto secretly a rat?

* * *

**Squad Eight**

I gave Shunsui a variety of non-alcoholic beer.

**Reaction:** He was very briefly excited about the near-beer, then realized that they were all fake. He actually got tears in his eyes and wondered out loud why they would even make such a thing.

Truthfully, I wonder that myself.

* * *

**Squad Nine **

For Kaname I had wrapped several paint-by-numbers sets.

**Reaction:** He didn't really have any, but I came by a few weeks later to find him trying it. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting, but I didn't have the heart to tell him so.

I lie. Of course I told him. He was actually proud of it, which made me realize I should have picked a less famous artist to compare him too. Wait a minute, how does he even know what a Pollock painting looks like? Then, was he just messing with me?

* * *

**Squad Ten**

I considered giving little boy winter some ice trays, but that would be too easy, don't you think?

So I got him a book called "From Friend To Girlfriend - How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone, Start Dating Your Best Friend And Make Her Think It Was All Her Idea".

**Reaction:** He actually blushed. It was kind of adorable. Or maybe it was a reddening of rage? I can't really tell with that kid.

* * *

**Squad Eleven**

Yachiru is always a good bar to aim for when dealing with Kenpachi, so I gave him "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic". I can only hope that Yachiru will force him to watch it over and over every day until he goes crazy. Crazier. Uh…craziest? Really it's kind of a tie between him and Mayuri on the insanity front (in different ways of course).

**Reaction:** "Already have it," he said, tossing it aside.

Has it? Like, Yachiru has it or…I mean, Kenpachi isn't a _bronie _is he? Dear god, it's too horrible to think about. I'm just going to assume that Yachiru likes ponies (please…)

* * *

**Squad Twelve**

For Mayuri, I took a different approach than I usually do. I gave him a plushie of GLaDos and a cake. I haven't the faintest idea whether he knows what Portal is, or even what a game system is, but the idea amuses me at least, and that's all that matters.

**Reaction:** "I love Portal," Mayuri said as he looked at the stuffed figured.

"You…play games?" I asked.

"Of course I do. Do you? My gamertag is "DontWorryI'mHuman". I also play World of Warcraft as "HotChickISwear" and Knights of the Old Republic as…"

He went on for twenty minutes. He plays _a lot_ of games. Finally, I interrupted him. "Er, why exactly do you spend so much time online playing video games?"

"Experimentation of course," Mayuri explained.

Oh my goodness; Mayuri is a troll. I will never going online again without shielding my brain with tin foil.

* * *

**Squad Thirteen**

This probably sounds mean, but I gave Ukitake a copy of "The Secret". If you don't know what that is, it's basically the book that says you can make stuff happen if you want it enough. In which case, Ukitake just doesn't want to not constantly spit up blood enough (over thousands of years).

**Reaction:** "Oh, I've already got this," Ukitake said, his face placid.

"That seems…odd," I pointed out.

"People keep giving it to me. I've found that it works great as mulch for my garden," he said serenely.

Ok, Ukitake has got passive aggressiveness down to an art form.

* * *

_Orihime: What's a bronie?_

_Ulquiorra: I have no idea. But I do like that Portal song._

_Orihime: You like video games?_

_Ulquiorra: I'm sorry I forgot to feed you yesterday, I was playing Skyrim._

_Orihime: It's ok, I made my own food._

_Ulquiorra: I suppose that's why you're sick today._

_Orihime: Oh no, it's just a cold._

_Ulquiorra: Sure._


	44. More Questions and Ideas about Espada

**More Questions and Ideas about Espada**

_A/N: Hey, look, I'm not dead! I definitely had planned on doing a Valentine's Day one, but certainly missed that boat. I've been having lots of health problems and have a (another) surgery coming up, but hopefully I'll get back into the habit of regularly (or at least semi-regularly) updating. For those of you who left comments and reviews and haven't heard from me, thanks so much. I do read them all, and after I upload this chapter I'll go over the ones I haven't responded to yet and send a personal thank you._

* * *

Bored out of my mind and out of poisons, I decided to track down the Espada and ask a couple of questions that I've been wondering about.

* * *

**Yammy Llargo - Espada Diez**

**(Or Cero Espada, I guess depending on how well he slept the night before)**

"Can you answer me a question about your hair?" I asked.

"My…hair?" he responded.

"Well, or lack of it. You are bald, but have sideburns. You have red eyebrows but your side burns are black," I explained.

He shrugged.

"Also, what with the baldness and the red eye makeup and obsession with luck (yelling "suerte" all the time), you remind me of a shinigami named Ikkaku Madarame. But you're like a not as honorable, more dickish version of him," I said.

"Did you just call me a dick?" Yammy asked, standing up from his massive dinner.

"Er, I was just saying that your puppy is really cute and I hope that you don't eat him," I said, hurrying out of the room.

* * *

**Aaroniero Arruruerie – Noveno Espada**

"You know, if someone was playing hangman with your name, the letter 'r' would give you away instantly," I mentioned to Aaroniero.

"What is hangman?" Aaroniero asked. Or one of him asked. Maybe the female? Is the higher pitched voice female? I'm not quite sure.

"A game," I explained. I decided to continue onwards. "Why do you wear such fancy ruffles on your uniform, are you in a contest for ridiculous head gear with Nnoitra?"

"Of course not," Aaroniero replied. I imagined he (it?) was rolling his eyes…heads?

"Also, only one glove? Are you Michael Jackson, or is that just because your other hand gets really really gross when you are released?" I asked.

"Define 'gross'," Aaroniero stated.

"And I assume you have parts of your hollow mask on your…heads…but I'm not sure because I can't actually look at you for more than a nanosecond. How did they tattoo your number? I mean…they had to pull one of your heads out of your…whatever the hell that fluid is, right? (Formaldehyde maybe? You really stink of it). Are you two people or one?"

"I consume many people."

"Well, yes, but are you…I mean, you yourself, not whatever you've absorbed…never mind, let's focus on Glutoneria. You do know your resurrección sounds like a bad STD or what happens when you've eaten too many Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell," I continued.

"What is a taco?" He asked.

"Tell you what, I'm starting to get freaked out by hanging out with you, so I'll go get a taco…just for you. I'll…uh…stick it someplace you can find it," I said. But just as I was leaving the room I called back. "By the way, I was the one who asked Lord Aizen to make sunlight in Los Noches."

Just to annoy him too. Seriously, that was the only reason.

That's a lie, I really like ice cream and it seems really wrong to eat it when it's not sunny, so I bet Tosen that Aizen couldn't make it sunny in Los Noches without using the Hogyoku and now I get sunlight all year round. And ice cream.

* * *

**Szayel Aporro Granz – Octava Espada**

"So your middle name isn't Apollo?" I asked.

"No," Szayel Aporro answered for the fifth time.

"I mean, one the one hand, it would mean chicken in Spanish, and on the other it would allude to the god Apollo, the Greek god of medicine and knowledge. That would make sense, right?"

"I'm actually in the middle of something so if you could please stop spinning in my office chair, I need it," Szayel Aporro said testily.

"What's up the glasses? How did you get your bone mask to look exactly like glasses? They don't really have glass in them, do they? Because I doubt hollow bone can become glass. Or are you really messing with us and your hollow bone is someplace else?"

"Please leave," Szayel Aporro seemed to be grabbing several syringes (never a good sign).

"I recently watched the tape of your cheap ambush of Nelliel…"

I had his attention now.

"After you helped take out Nelliel, you asked Nnoitra is you could help him with anything else. You were hitting on him, right?" I asked.

Szayel Aporro sighed, whether in annoyance or relief, I'm not sure. "No," he stated.

"Yeah, but your zanpakuto…. Fornicarás? I'm not sure whether it means "You Will Fornicate" or "Lewd Concubine, but my reaction to both is "ew". And both you and Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi draw your zanpakuto in...Semi provocative ways, what gives?" I queried.

He didn't answer.

"And you're a… I guess you're a butterfly? A really cruel and…lewd…butterfly that can impregnate other beings with yourself," I continued.

"Leave," he pointed at the door. "AND for your information, I am a very beautiful butterfly, and butterfly cocoon themselves before they transform."

"Cocoon themselves in other people though? I don't think so," I replied.

I did however begin to leave.

"By the way, I changed one of your fracción to taste really bad. I'm eagerly awaiting when you eventually eat him or her…or it…I mean, Lumina and Verona aren't really of different sexes are they? You told me that they were but I don't believe you."

* * *

**Zommari Rureaux – Septima Espada**

"Ok, straight up," I started my conversation with Zommari. "How…how do you say your last name? Is it supposed to be French, because you really don't look French-ish."

"It's Rureaux."

"Er…yeah. Can I ask about your hollow hole?" I continued.

"No."

"It's at your right nipple. I find that disturbing for reasons I'm not quite sure about," I told him.

"I find you disturbing for reason I am completely sure about," Zommari replied.

Touché. However… "You know, you really shouldn't be THAT impressed with your "I go so fast I make clones" technique, because Ichigo Kurosaki has that as well, and he's been a shinigami for less time than it takes for milk to go bad," I said.

"He is not as fast as me," Zommari boasted.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh no, you're clearly the best," I stated sarcastically.

He was glaring at me now.

"Also, the whole creepy head turning waaaay past where it should turn to release Brujeria is not ok. And I'm not sure what animal you are supposed to have been. I guess an anemone or something? But then, why all the eyes?" I questioned him.

"Lord Aizen…"

"Let me stop you there," I said with a hand up. "You are kind of way into Aizen in a creepy way. In fact, you are all around creepy. Seriously, you are using the power of "Amor" (love) to fight and control people's bodies? Maybe the type of "love" that requires a restraining order and court mandated counseling."

"What's a restraining order?"

"Something Lord Aizen doesn't need because he can liquefy you," I mentioned. "Just to remind you."

* * *

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez – Sexta Espada**

"So, Grimmjow," I started.

"Shut up," he retorted, and continued he work out, which seemed to consist of mostly destroying innocent walls that had done no wrong.

"Sexta Espada… More like sexiest espada, right?" I joked.

He turned his attention from the walls to me.

"Ouch, don't hit me!" I exclaimed, leaping back so only part of hit touched me.

I waited until he cooled down before I proceeded. "You know that we can fix that scar. It's not like you need it to remind you of when you got your ass kicked by Ichi… I said don't hit me!"

This was getting annoying, but I am nothing is not persistent (and ethically grey). I continued, "I get it, it's probably more like keeping a love letter that…damn it stop!" I really think something in my ribs cracked that time.

"Let's move on to happier things," I suggested.

He ignored me and destroyed part of the ceiling with a well-placed kick.

"Can I mention that I love that you call Lord Aizen just Aizen in private? Ballsy," I told him.

He grinned.

"Also, I really really wish you would have at least attempted to kick that sanctimonious Kaname Tosen's ass when he incinerated your arm," I continued.

Grimmjow growled slight. Silly of me to touch on a sensitive subject. I hurried on. "And jabbing your bare hand through Luppi? I mean, we talked a lot, so I do miss him, but I have to give you a slow clap for style."

That got a laugh. A really long one. You really notice his teeth when he laughs, which almost gave me pause for my next question but I decided to continue. "By the way, I always wanted to know if you purr when you're happ…"

He really does hit hard.

* * *

**Nnoitra Gilga – Quinto Espada**

I decided to jump right into things when I ran into Nnoitra in the hall. "So, are you and Tesla…what the hell, I didn't even ask anything yet!" I jumped back from the large blade slicing the air.

He was glaring at me…you know, with one eye.

"Er," I defaulted to something safer. "Exactly how does your spoon hood thing stand up? I mean, do you have a lot of boning in their or something?"

"Hell, I don't know what it's called," Nnoitra answered, running his hand along the edge of his hood.

"Since your animal is a praying mantis, is that why you hate women so much? I mean, the whole "mate and then the female eats your murdered corpse" thing definitely seems like it would play into that," I asked, starting innocently enough, but leading back too… "Is that why you hang out with Tesla so much inste…stop hitting me!"

I mean really, like I wasn't already sore enough from Grimmjow. I decided to say one last thing just before I rushed away. "I could say that you are over compensating for something with your huge zanpakuto and the released form of your weapon is even larger. But, I won't say that. What I WILL say is that mine is bigger."

Seriously. It is. Well, longer anyways.

* * *

**Ulquiorra Cifer – Espada Cuatro**

I admit I was drunk when talking to Ulquiorra. "Your name is fun to say. Ulquiorra. Ulquiorrrrra. Ulquiorrrrrrrrrrrrrra."

"Stop saying my name," Ulquiorra asked me in a monotone.

"I gotta question, how did you move your hollow hole? I mean, is that a painful surgery or what, because maybe Nnoitra should look into that instead of having a literal hole for a brain," I asked. I'd been wondering it for a while.

"That is a private question."

Is it? Now I'm just confused. Or maybe just too drunk. "Hey, Ulquiorrrrrrrra?"

"Stop saying my name," Ulquiorra repeated.

"I find it odd that you are bat like, but your hollow form before you were an espada is completely white. And why the weird face lines? Are those supposed to be battle paint, because it kind of looks like you are crying, which I doubt has ever happened."

"It has not," Ulquiorra agreed.

I was tipsy, but still, he didn't really answer the question, right?

"Hey, Ulquiorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrra?" I asked.

"Stop. Saying. My. Name."

Oh wow! Was I actually annoying him? I'm so proud of myself. I hope I remember this when I'm sober. "Hey, Ulq…" I stopped early because I forgot what I was going to say. Ulquiorra seemed to be relieved.

"How can you claim to not be emotional when you obviously go out of your way to look as awesome as possible with one hand nonchalantly in a pocket while you swat away attack casually with one hand? You can't tell me that's not planned," I decided to ask instead of whatever it was I wanted to before.

"It is planned," he answered.

"I know it!" I proudly proclaimed to an empty room. What a minute…he had really been there right? Damn it, now I have to make a note to go over the video logs to make sure I wasn't hallucinating from too much sake.

* * *

**Tier Harribel – Espada Tres**

"Seriously, it's Tier?" I asked again.

She nodded.

"And here this whole time I thought you were Tia Hallibel. I mean…Tia makes a lot more sense, right? And Hallibel would mean I could call you Hally," I stated.

"No you wouldn't."

"I suppose I could call you Harry," I pondered.

"No you won't," she uttered simply.

"I should mention that I am both partially turned on and terrified of you," I told her.

She twitched slightly but didn't respond.

"I was thinking, you're pretty covered by your hollow bone, and even in released for your…uh…assets are covered. Does that mean you can never been completely naked, because that's a really bummer…ow." Everyone is hitting me this week. I held up a hand in surrender. "One more thing…wait, two more things…"

She waited.

"Next time Nnoitra tries to piss you off, don't hold back, just go for it. I have a bet with Grimmjow over it," I told her.

"I would win."

"Oh well, of course. It's just a matter of how long it would take," I explained.

"And the second thing?" Tier asked.

"What second thing?"

She glared at me.

"Oh, I remember now. I really think that your fracción should go to group counseling. They seem to really be dysfunctional," I said.

"And you aren't?" she questioned.

"Er…."

* * *

**Baraggan Louisenbairn – Segunda Espada**

"My theory…" I started my conversation with Baraggan, "Is that you've seen everything, right? If even death doesn't scare you, I guess Charlotte Chuhlhourne doesn't faze you."

"What does Charlotte have to do with anything?" he asked.

"Well, I prefer he doesn't have to do with anything, but evidentially that's not my call," I shrugged.

I don't think he got it.

"By the way, how does it feel to no longer be number one?" I asked, followed quickly by, "Holy shit, don't touch me!"

Ps. I will submit the rest of my question by mail. You'd think we'd have hell butterflies around here, but no. Maybe we should make heaven birds or something, just to be cheeky about it. Not owls though, Harry Potter already cornered that market.

Pps. Would Grimmjow let out his cat side and eat heaven birds, or could we train him not to?

* * *

**Coyote Starrk – Primera Espada**

"So, Coyote," I started. "And I can call you Coyote, right?"

I'm only partially sure he was awake. He can sleep with his eyes open…which I really wish I could learn. I decided he was awake…enough…and continued with my question. "Wouldn't it make more sense for your name to be Wolf Starrk? I mean, wolves are known for being loners, coyotes travel in packs. And your wolf/cero shooting gun is obviously extremely cool, but once again, WOLVES, not COYOTES."

He didn't answer. I poked him. His eye lazy moved to meet mine. "Both travel in packs. Both are sometimes alone," he closed his eyes.

"Also, is there any way you can get Lilynette to wear more clothes? I always feel like I'm being filmed by Chris Hansen and am about to be arrested," I asked.

He shrugged. Hey, looks like he was awake after all. I decided to start a friendly chat. "Do you watch Game of Thrones?" I asked.

* * *

_Orihime: Grimmjow doesn't really catch and eat birds, does he?_

_Ulquiorra: What, do you think I go around eating bugs?_

_Orihime: Oh well, I'm sure they're very tasty! There's nothing wrong with you eating them!_

_Ulquiorra:..._


	45. Animals

**Animals**

* * *

It was time for another boring Captains' Meeting and we were killing time waiting for the old man and Captain Zaraki to show up…assuming Zaraki comes at all. Why does he get away with it but I get yelled at? I mean, it's certainly not _easy_ to yell at Kenpachi, but Yamamoto is definitely one of the few who could pull it off.

I mean, Yamamoto is like an…owl, maybe?

"Owl?" I asked out loud. "I mean, I suppose that might make sense. But it would be better for it to be something fire related."

Captain Hitsugaya ignored me, aside from an eye twitch, but I had Shunsui's attention.

"What kind of animal do you think the head captain would be?" I asked him.

"Uh…a dragon?" Shunsui suggested.

"That's not even trying," I protested.

"Salamander?" He tried again.

"Oh, I do like that one. How about a wombat?" I said.

"Wombat?" Toshiro turned towards me. "What does that have to do with the head captain at all?"

"Well, wombats love tea after all, and so does the head captain," I explained.

"Wombats do not like tea," Byakuya intoned.

"Prove it," I replied.

There was silence for a moment. Mayuri spoke up, "They are herbivores; I suppose it wouldn't be out of the question."

"Still, a wombat isn't very…imposing," Shunsui said.

"And Soifon would be a badger," I added.

"What?" she said, eyeballing me.

"They are tenacious, domineering, territorial…" I'm very good at dodging so I didn't really mind the darts. I'll assume that they were only mildly poisonous, but you never know with her, so it's better to just avoid them.

"And you're a fox," she told me. "Devious, cruel…"

"And I eat chicken?" I jumped in. "But seriously, I'm a mole."

"A mole…" Soifon repeated.

"Pale, bad eyesight, and runs at confrontation," I explained.

"You don't really have bad eyesight though, do you? You just squint a lot," said Shunsui.

"Captain Unohana is an eagle," I continued. "Beautiful and serene looking, effortlessly gliding in the air…until prey is spotted and the eagle dives and rips out its guts."

"Ripping out the guts is not an effective form of killing," Unohana told me.

"See…that. That's kind of creepy, right?" I asked Shunsui.

"She's always been…" he paused as she looked over at him. "A…er…fine leader and smart woman."

"Chicken," I said with a wide grin.

"Don't eat me," he joked.

"And what about me?" Aizen asked me.

"Uh…" Hm, this presents a bit of a challenge. "A butterfly," I eventually said.

He arched an eyebrow. "Butterfly?"

"Or moth? Like a butterfly/moth/fairy thing?" I tried to explain.

"I don't get it," he said.

Honestly, I don't really either.

"Byakuya is…what's a noble thing?" I continued through the squads. "A horse? A fine noble steed. Although…people ride horses and I doubt anyone would ride Captain Kuchiki."

I could hear Shunsui stifling his giggles and feel Byakuya's cool gaze staring at my throat (he never looks directly into someone's eye, not that he could in my case anyways).

"Maybe a unicorn?" I decided. "That way you could just stab anyone that tries to ride you."

I looked at Komamura with pursed lips.

"Are you really going to do this?" he asked me, from under his bucket head.

To be completely honest, I have snuck into his room while he was sleeping so that I could see what he really looks like, but I wasn't about to give that away now. I mean, the guy is even bigger than Kenpachi, and I'm pretty sure he could just gnaw at me with those teeth, no zanpakuto required.

So I skipped him (but I whispered wolf to only myself, just to keep things on track).

"And you," I pointed at Shunsui, "You are a dolphin."

"A dolphin," he repeated. "I don't get it."

"Playful, smart, and er…sexually indiscriminate," I elaborated.

"Really?" he smiled. "I didn't know that about them."

"Oh yes," I nodded.

"Don't think they can drink sake though," Shunsui pondered.

"Well, like the wombat and tea, how do you know if you haven't tried?" I asked him. "And Kaname is a bat of course," I threw out.

"Did you really just say that?" Kaname asked in that humorless voice of his.

"Not just because you're blind, but because I also find them annoying," I told him.

"The feeling is mutual, fox," Kaname said.

"Mole," I corrected.

"Snake," Byakuya recommended.

"I change my vote to snake too," Kaname corrected himself.

"And Toshiro…"

"Captain Hitsugaya," Toshiro corrected me.

"Oh come off it, we're all captains here, Toshiro," I paused for a moment in thought. "Something small, surely."

"You are getting on my nerves."

"That must be hard, considering how small they are," I replied.

He was turning red.

"A mouse, maybe? Although, mice in general have good personalities," I pondered. "So, something else then."

The room was getting a little cold.

"Oh, how about a shrew?" I finally came across the right animal.

"Isn't a shrew a woman?" Toshiro said through clenched teeth.

"Well, my goodness, someone's a little sexist," I replied.

"You…"

"And Kenpachi is a rhino of course, that one is easy," I ignored the little tyke. "Cantankerous, big, aggressive, bursts of rage…"

Even now, I could feel that Kenpachi was finally coming to the meeting. I guess he decided to show up after all.

"Well, at least we can agree on that one," Byakuya stated.

"I'm so glad you're playing," I beamed at him. "You're normally such a spoil sport."

"I am not…"

I really am in the habit of interrupting people, but honestly, most have nothing interesting to say and there's only so many times I can be yelled and called names before it becomes old hat. "Mayuri is a spider," I said before Byakuya could say whatever droll thing he was going to say.

"Spider?" Mayuri questioned.

"I hate spiders, and I hate you," I told him.

Shunsui was grinning again.

"Also, don't you turn into goo? Spiders do that," I said.

"No, spider prey becomes goo from the spider's venom," Mayuri corrected me.

"Then you are spider prey goo," I amended. "And Jushiro is…" I looked over at him, considering. "A kitten?"

Shunsui laughed. "Definitely a kitten."

"What?" Captain Ukitake questioned.

"Where's a kitten?" Kenpachi asked as he walked in. "Yachiru's birthday is coming up."

Both Shunsui and I pointed at Jushiro.

"Hm," Kenpachi considered.

Of course the old man had to come and ruin our fun.

"I apologize for running late, my wombat escaped and I had to catch him," Yamamoto said.

"W-what?" I stuttered.

"Let the meeting begin," he intoned.

* * *

_Orihime:_ I wonder what animal you would be?

_Ulquiorra:_ It doesn't make sense to do that with arrancar, since we already are animals.

_Orihime:_ What are you?

_Ulquiorra:_ A bat.

_Orihime:_ Just like Kaname Tosen!

_Ulquiorra:_ No.

_Orihime:_ And Grimmjow is a kitty like Captain Ukitake!

_Ulquiorra:_ Also no.

_Grimmjow:_ You know that cats eat bats, right?

_Ulquiorra:_ Unlikely, but you are welcome to try and see what happens.

_Orihime:_ Grimmjow, why are you here anyways?

_Grimmjow:_ The butterfly wants to talk to the bat.

_Ulquiorra:_ Let's see how Lord Aizen takes you calling him a butterfly.

_Grimmjow:_ Er, I was just on my way out to do a…long range expedition.


	46. Espada Careers

**Espada Careers**

_A/N: I promised I eventually do these guys, so here they are. I did the same Jung test I did on the captains. I'm leaving out the letter stuff, but keeping the recommended careers and celebrities/important people that have the same rating at the espada._

_Also, I'm almost at 1000 reviews for this fic, whoot! Thanks everyone!_

_Ps. We had 30 freaking earthquakes last night, so if you don't hear from me again it's because Los Angeles has fallen into the ocean._

* * *

There was a period of time before Aizen took over Hueco Mundo that we were all still also in the Soul Society, pretending to be a lot nicer than we actually were. We took shifts to watch over the budding espada while trying to not stay away from the Seireitei too long.

It was during one of these times, close to the time we revealed ourselves, that I was left in charge at Las Noches. I'm not going to lie; I had a lot of fun for those two weeks. I suppose those stories will wait for another time, but I am going to highlight a particular espada meeting when I made everyone take a career test.

Although I had used the test before, I immediately questioned its veracity when I collected the sheets and began grading them.

"Er, Yammy, for some reason it says that you'd be good in counseling or working with children. Did you answer the questions honestly?" I asked him. "Or is it just that when you power up to Cero Espada level you suddenly get really great social skills?"

He shrugged.

"Aaroniero, we're skipping you because I hate you," I said, throwing his paper aside. "Besides, you have two heads, which is two personalities right there, and then there's all of the other personalities you fake so who knows which one is your real one at this point?"

"Well…I know," Aaroniero defending himself…herself? Itself?

"Still hate you," I said moving on. "All of you. Also, Zommari, you're really very boring. You look pretty fierce, but one of your head spikes needs to pierce your swollen ego or something. Oh, here's one from your list that seems to fit you, mid ranked manager. Everyone finds those people annoying and naval gazing as well."

I picked up another paper. "Tia, it says that you should be a lingerie model."

"No it doesn't," she replied with a glare.

"Sorry, I meant playboy model," I corrected myself.

She rolled her eyes at me.

"Fine, it suggests sales, various social services, counseling, teaching, healthcare, and community care as things you'd be good at," I fessed up.

"Why are we doing this again?" Nnoitra wondered.

"Because the outfits I was having made for you weren't done in time," I told them. "It doesn't help that most of you have such weird sizes. I was having trouble finding enough lace."

"What?" Nnoitra asked, his normally freakishly wide smile condensed into a frown.

I looked over his sheet and laughed. "It says 'seafaring'," I giggled.

"Why is that funny?" he questioned.

"Er…you look like a pirate," I pointed out. "Also, the test says that your personality is similar to Mike Tyson's, which I also find incredibly amusing."

"Well, what about Starrk? It seems like the only thing that he's good at is sleeping," Nnoitra retorted.

"Uh…academia," I read off. "I suppose that makes sense. Starrk would be that professor who makes the TA do all the work and never fully reads his student's work."

Starrk nodded in agreement. Wait, he was just nodding in his sleep. One day I'm going to poor about five Red Bulls into him and see what happens.

"Baraggan, it most lists different types of management positions, as well as a stock broker," I told him. "Which is great, since those guys dissolve people's money while you dissolve…" he wasn't paying attention to me.

I really should have waited for the outfits. Or the pets. I really want for each espada to have to care for a weird animal for a week, but I think they'd just all wind up dead and that would make me sad.

"Ulquiorra, it says you'd be best at things like engineering and programming…oh, and aviation. Remember when you had to steal that plane?" I reminded him. (_From a previous Gin's Notebook_)

I wonder if he ever blinks. He stared at me for fully five minutes without seemingly being remotely interested in what I was saying or even seeing me for that matter.

Shark tank! I could put one under the floor and I could just hit a button and someone would tumble down…wait, all these espada can just float around and even if they got into the water they certainly wouldn't be hurt. And water would be hard to get since it would have to be imported…wait…

"Tia, how the hell are you a shark?" I asked her.

"What?" she responded.

"I mean, there's no water, so how did you evolve from a much more sharky-thing to a less sharky thing?"

"I can swim in sand," Tia explained.

"But…you use water when you…" I decided to give up. Until I throw her into a shark tank, under the table. I mean, it's not like she's going to lose, but the rest of us can at least watch and have fun. "Also, Grimmjow, your tests suggests you'd be good in acting and performance based careers. It lists you as similar to Elvis Presley, the king of Rock n' Roll."

"King of where?" Grimmjow asked, seemingly happy with his test.

"It's a type of music not a pla…er…actually, no, it's located off the coast of the US, between California and Hawaii," I lied.

I made a quick note to switch Grimmjow's outfit to something more Graceland inspired.

"Alright, if you will now open the packages I've placed under your seats," I continued.

"We already dismantled all the bombs," Szayel Aporro said in an offensively bored tone. "And I believe you didn't list me yet."

Well, that's disappointing.

"It says you should be in higher education," I told the espada. "However, it also compares you to Steve Jobs, but you seem a lot more…evil then he was."

"Why in the world would you think I was evil?" Szayel Aporro asked me.

"Evil? I meant pink. You're a lot more pink than he was," I corrected myself.

Seriously though, Szayel Aporro is slightly worse than Mayuri Kurotsuchi, and that's saying something.

* * *

_Orihime: I have a random question._

_Ulquiorra: Of course you do, your brain jumps around like a rabbit._

_Orihime: Why is Yammy's hair black while his eyebrows are orange?_

_Ulquiorra: I have never considered that._


	47. Thirteen Squad Halloween

**Thirteen Squad Halloween**

_A/N: Yeah, Kaien is in here. Pretend that the Squad 13 part is a flash-back otherwise somehow Renji and Kaien are both lieutenants at the same time frame. _

_Also, I definitely thought that I already did an espada version of this; at least I know that had outlined one, but I guess I never published it. Oh well, it's shinigami this time._

_A/N #2: Thanks for everyone's well wishes about getting better. So far it looks like no more surgeries, although I'm high as a kit on all this silly medicine they keep pumping me with. I suppose that should serve as an apology in advance for any misspelling or nonsensical sentences._

* * *

The idea of Halloween has been around for quite some time, obviously. And we kind of figured in as part of the big bads, being all spooky-like and whatnot. So we've celebrated All Hallows' Eve for a while. Once this whole "dress up" thing caught on, we started doing it as well. At first we dressed in festival attire, but then we just went for it. It might seem odd for shinigami to dress up like spirits and goblins, but fun never has to make sense. Plus, candy! And fire (well, fire inside of pumpkins). I like the fire part the most, myself. I even found a way to make fire candy, which no one really liked except Captain Kurotsuchi, and he's not really the sort one wants to impress.

I realize that many years have passed and things get muddled in my mind, so I'm recording this year's outfits and fun for posterity.

* * *

**Squad 1**

Head Captain Yamamoto didn't dress as anything, but Shunsui suggested that he dressed up "as an old man". Yamamoto merely grunted, so I'll assume that Shunsui is right. Chojiro was pleasantly surprising, showing up as the masked crusader Zorro. I think he really has been growing his mustache out just for this occasion. He even used his zanpakuto to carve a letter "z" into the carrot cake.

By the way, carrot cake? Who knew such a bland (but crunchy) vegetable could become so delicious? I imagine that my enjoyment relies heavily on the cream cheese based frosting (also, cream cheese in a frosting? The world of the living is blowing my mind here).

* * *

**Squad 2**

I wondered if Soifon had lost a bet, but she seemed completely into her outfit. She was a cat, with big fake paws and drawn on whiskers. I threw catnip at her, which I thought was a playful and completely in the spirit of the costume party we were at, but she stabbed me with poison in response. Luckily, living the life I lead means I have quite a lot of anti-venom and de-poisoning supplies on me.

I also put rats in her bed. I wish I could see her reaction to_ that_ but I won't be around. It's her own fault for being so willfully poisony.

Omaeda was dressed "as a king" (according to him). He was covered in gaudy jewels and a long cloak and crown. I shouldn't complain though, I did steal quite a few of his rings. I didn't really know what to do with them, so I threw them into Captain Ukitake's koi pond. I assume that the koi will eat them and become extra shiny, or else Yachiru will find them one day and assume that fairies left them (or that koi produce golden rings).

* * *

**Squad 3**

I think my outfit was sublime, although I had a bit of trouble with the petticoats when I was sneaking into Squad 2 to put rodents in their captain's bed.

"C-captain," Kira stood up straight as I entered, watching me with wary eyes.

"Don't I look pretty?" I asked.

"You…are you really going to make me…" he seemed sad.

He usually seems sad though, so I pressed onward.

"Don't I look pretty?" I asked again.

"Yes," Kira said his eyes downward.

"Yes what?"

"Yes…you look pretty…Captain…" he finally got out.

"Like a pretty pretty…?" I left the question open.

"Like a…like a pretty pretty princess," Kira said morosely.

I had even raided Rangiku's quarters for some sparkly pink lip gloss and mascara. I wasn't really good at applying either, but the "mussed" look added to the effect I think.

"Are you…wearing padding in the…er, front there?" Kira finally showed some curiosity.

"Yes I am!" I declared proudly. "It's your tabi!"

"You…you stole some of my socks and used it to stuff your…bra?" he said, his face paling.

"What's wrong? You can't be that upset, I haven't even shown you _your_ costume yet!" I told him gleefully.

"Please, no," he begged. "I already have one!"

"Oh? What is it?" I wondered.

He was silent.

"You are a very bad liar," I sighed.

Some things just can't be taught.

"You're going to be a pixie! We'll match!" I said, pulling out a pair of glittery butterfly wings and a dainty unitard.

"Actually, I'm going to go home early because I'm not feeling well," Kira claimed.

"Let me take care of you then," I insisted.

"Dressed like that?"

"Why would I go home and change, you need me now!" I replied.

"I'm…feeling better," he said, grabbing the outfit in a fit of despair before slinking off to the bathroom to change.

* * *

**Squad 4**

I had no idea about this, but it turns out that Captain Unohana is actually a science fiction and fantasy fan. She was dressed as Princess Leia all day as she tended to her patients, walking around with the big side buns and a white robe. I must say that she pulls it off.

I also must say that her poison is worse than Soifon's. I was just being friendly, asking if she had the slave girl outfit as well.

I doubt that Isane is really a Star Wars fan, and I very much suspect that her captain had a heavy hand in her dressing as a Jedi padawan. The hair does fit though.

* * *

**Squad 5**

Aizen dressed up as a businessman from the world of the living. I told him that he was dressed as Clark Kent. He, lucky, found it amusing and didn't poison me (there's only so much poison I can take). I suppose that he tends to go for more of the mind tricks really, but I managed to avoid that fate as well.

Momo…poor Momo. Rangiku had about as much fun as I did this Halloween I think.

"How did you get her to wear that?" I asked Rangiku over some spiced pumpkin ale.

Rangiku pointed at her head.

"I don't get it," I confessed.

"Her bun! I told her she should be a bunny because of her bun," Rangiku laughed.

"And then you got her to be a Playboy bunny how exactly?" I really did wonder. Things like this are valuable research.

Rangiku just grinned and refused to fess up, but I imagine the answer is sake related. It's not like there was much harm done, the second that Toshiro saw Momo he yelled at her and made her put on a robe.

I'm curious what Aizen's reaction was though.

* * *

**Squad 6**

"I am dressed up," Byakuya insisted.

Renji and I were perplexed. Captain Kuchiki looked the same as ever. Finally, Byakuya pointed to his head.

"Oh, no kenseiken," Renji said disappointedly.

"I don't think that counts," I told Byakuya.

"And as for you," I looked over at Renji, "I swear I don't see a difference!" I claimed.

"Oh please," Byakuya scoffed.

"Well, at least Renji is trying. I can tell he's trying to kind of sort of look like you," I replied.

"Hey, it's a pretty good attempt," Renji defended himself.

"Not even close," Byakuya said.

"Look! I can even walk like you!" Renji strutted for us to judge.

"Hm, that's actually quite good," I admitted.

"He looks like he's imitating a woman walking," said Byakuya.

"Er, well…like I said, pretty good," I told him.

Byakuya doesn't use poison. He has laser eyes.

I dodged his murder gaze and left Renji at his mercy.

* * *

**Squad 7**

"A cat," Iba told me.

"What?" I asked him.

"That's what my captain is dressed as. Make sure to compliment him on it."

"Nice…cat…outfit," I said, looking up at the massive figure of Komamura.

"Thank you," he said seriously. "And what are you, Tetsuzaemon?"

"Jean Claude Van Damme," Iba replied happily.

"Okay," Komamura replied, clearly lost.

"Can you do the kick?" I wondered, having watched quite a few world of the living movies (what else am I supposed to do when cooped up in that captain's office? Surely not paperwork)

"Er…no," Iba admitted. "I wanted to practice it but Ikkaku said I would just knock his teeth out. I told him that was impossible since he had such a hard head. It's more likely that my foot would get injured from hitting his bald—"

"My what?" Ikkaku said from somewhere behind us.

"He said you looked like Mr. Clean, that you can't even grow chest hair, and that you were born bald," I lied.

"What?" Ikkaku sounded very malicious so I backed out of range.

Komamura is a smart man (man?) too, he joined me and we watched the fun. It was all the better since Ikkaku was a little drunk so all of his insults were slurred and eventually he just degraded into yells and angry pointing.

* * *

**Squad 8**

Shunsui was pretty much only wearing his haori and a hat. He informed us that he had been wearing less until his lieutenant had thrown him out of his office window. I'm not really sure what character he was supposed to be. He told me he was "the spirit of love", and that spirits don't wear clothing. I pointed out the very, very obvious fact that yes, spirits do wear clothes, but he insisted that "love spirits" don't.

Nanao wasn't wearing anything different than usual. She called herself "an angel of mercy" though, which sounds supremely scary. I imagine that was her intent, at least as far as scaring her captain to keep his clothing on.

* * *

**Squad 9**

I can't believe that Kaname Tosen of all people made me laugh. I laughed so hard that I had to sit down.

"I love your costume," I told him.

"What costume?" he asked with a frown.

Someone else had pranked him then. Who? Who had done it? It was so perfect. Just a single giant paper eye taped to his visor to make him a cyclops. I know that his lieutenant wouldn't do it, so who did? I owe them a drink.

Shuuhei actually walked up to his captain, looking like he was going to tell him about it, or at least rip it off, but I lured him away with tales of what Rangiku was wearing (which was definitely a worthy distraction).

Shuuhei was dressed as a punk I suppose, wearing a lot of fake piercings, tight leather, and bright green hair.

* * *

**Squad 10**

Captain Hitsugaya was actually adorable. I don't know how many other people knew who he was, but both Rangiku and I know that her captain has a fondness for anime and manga. Following that, it wasn't hard to figure out that he was dressed as Kakashi from the Naruto series. His cute little white hair was tucked behind one of those little headbands, standing straight up, and the outfit itself was pretty accurate but…but Toshiro's just so tiny. It was like a little chibi Kakashi. I imagine that Rangiku took a lot of pictures (I would have if I had thought I could get away with it).

Rangiku herself was dressed as Barbarella. Now I know that no one here knows who that is, but that didn't matter, her "Jane Fonda as a space vixen in see-through plastic" costume was a big success.

* * *

**Squad 11**

Kenpachi said, and I am not kidding, that he was dressed as a pirate. He looked exactly the same as always, and he didn't crack a grin when he said it. I looked right into his eye patch, opened my mouth to say something, and then closed my mouth and decided to take him at his word.

Yachiru was…colorful. It looks like she had wandered into a costume shop and put on every outfit she liked all at once. She had cowboy boots, devil horns, feathery angel wings, a ballerina totu, military face paint, long white opera gloves, and a cat tail (I guess cats were big this year).

"Candy!" she said as she jumped at me.

I was ready for her attack however and dodged, throwing the candy high into the hair, where she jumped up and got each piece before it fell.

"What are you supposed to be, my dear?" I asked her as she starting inhaling her sweets.

"I'm a candy monster!" she explained.

* * *

**Squad 12**

You have to think to yourself; what could Captain Kurotsuchi be that would be more terrifying than his usual form? And yet, I was still shocked.

He came…normal.

Like, completely normal. He even acted normal and spoke normal and didn't have an ear made out of wires. He wore no makeup or headpieces, he made no threats, and his nails had been trimmed (and de-poisoned?)

It was creepy in a way I hadn't anticipated.

Nemu, however, came as a robot. She came as such a realistic robot that I have to wonder…I mean, what is she, really? Mayuri always says he can just repair her, and acts like she's not really a person so…

I kept getting closer, trying to figure out what was makeup and special effects and what might actually be her, but it turns out that Mayuri trusts me about as much as I trust him.

I got poisoned…again. But not from his creepy nails, so that's good.

* * *

**Squad 13**

Captain Ukitake may have pulled off the most traditionally creepy costume, as a ghost. He had been sick, so he was gaunt looking and pale, and he let his hair loosely hang loosely over his face. He had drawn dark circles around his eyes and was wearing all white. The kicker though was the kido. He actually used kido to hide his feet from sight, effortless gliding across the floor.

I think he should have gone farther and put a chain in his chest, but maybe he thought that would be in poor taste.

Kaien was wearing a long cloak, and was looking fairly dapper. What I asked him about his costume, he opened his mouth to reveal a convincely sharp and elongated pair of canines. "I'm a vampire," he said. "Get it," he pointed to his captain.

I think I laughed harder than I did at Kaname, because at least Captain Ukitake obviously has a sense of humor about things.

* * *

_Ulquiorra:__ I don't get that last part. Why was it funny that he was a vampire?_

_Orihime:__ Because his captain is always spitting up blood._

_Ulquiorra:__ What's a vampire again?_

_Orihime:__ It's a creature that is a man but can change into a bat and…uh…you don't drink blood do you?_


End file.
